The Complete Egg

2008-05-07T19:31:00.000-07:00

Written on 5/7/08

Holy cow I'm tired right now. Gaaaahh. Okay, so life right now is composed of a lot of nursing...a lot. I am really looking forward to week 6 when I can start pumping and Malcolm can give him a bottle. I like breastfeeding, however I think that Liam has been having a growing spurt because he seems to be feeding ALL the time. Still, I am having the time of my life with this cool little babe. He has so much personality even being this small. It's amazing. He's mostly pretty chilled out but he has an impatient side too which he shows when he's hungry. He gives a lovely piercing scream. You wouldn't think it from looking at this angelic picture of him.

The postpartum period has been fairly good. It is certainly a charged time. There is so much to integrate and I've been exhausted. I have felt enormous love, paranoia (didn't want to hurt the baby by accident), and joy and sometimes all in the same moment. It has blown me away how much I LOVE Liam. Not only do I love him but I really like him too. He seems very thoughtful when I look into his eyes. There's already so much intelligence there.

I've been trying to finish this post now for over a week now. Liam is 5 weeks today. Things are starting to feel more settled. We wake up about twice in the night now which is pretty good. Feedings and changes can take up to 40 minutes though so for me, it's like he's waking up every 2 or 2.5 hours. I know it won't go on forever. Tomorrow we will go and purchase a pump so that I can express some milk and Malc can give him a bottle.

Now, to get off talking about my baby, I've been thinking about some women who might be reading this during their molar pregnancy journey. I remember that during that time I read babyfruit's blog (a woman who had experienced 4 miscarriages and then had a baby) and it helped me to feel not alone. I hope that this blog reaches out to others and gives them comfort and hope. You may be like I was and worry about whether or not you will be able to have a child. The chances are extremely high that you will have a baby and you will treasure that baby so much. I think that the miscarriages, the molar, and the chemo, have led me to be a better mother. I am so happy to be with Liam and I haven't once yet taken him for granted. I want other women who have had a molar pregnancy to take heart. What you are going through is incredibly hard and painful. Honor your experience. Grieve. Cry. Look for joy in small pleasures and keep faith that you will realize motherhood.

Welcome to the World Baby Liam

2008-04-22T11:38:00.000-07:00

This is Liam at 1 week old. He is so sweet beyond words. Every time I open my mouth to talk about him or write about him I gush, gush, gush. This is him after a particularly satisfying feeding. Yes, he is breast-feeding like a champ which is a relief. It took some help from the midwives and a lactation consultant but now we are doing so well with it. He's almost back up to his birth weight which was 7 lbs 15 ounces. He lost 10% of his weight before we left the hospital. This is not uncommon apparently. Isn't he beautiful? I can't get over what an amazing baby he is. His needs are easily met and we love him to bits. Malcolm is thrilled and is such an incredible dad. He did all the diaper changes at the hospital, along with feeding and watering me and soothing the baby. I love my husband (and now my boy) so much it is overwhelming.
The C-section birth went as well as I could have hoped for. No matter how Liam arrived, it was a momentous event to see him little face for the first time. I certainly would have loved to birth him vaginally if he had been head down. I would have liked that experience. The c-section team was amazing though. That made all the difference. They were calm and respectful and made sure I was comfortable. Also, it was the midwife of our choice that was present for the birth and she was incredible. I was happy that she was there with her good vibes. Malcolm was able to watch Liam being born from me and I saw Liam's head being delivered. It was awesome and amazing. I watched Malcolm's face as he watched Liam being birthed and it was wild. His eyes were wide with amazement and it was like the energy in the room was charged. As soon as I heard Liam cry, I started crying and I was so relieved. He is healthy and he is thriving. I can't get enough of him. I think the hormones from breast-feeding are making me all blissed out all of the time. Which is pretty necessary considering that I feel like I'm feeding Liam all the time. We had such a great night last night and I feel like I finally had a decent sleep.
Our post-partum midwifery care has been amazing and I love that they do home visits. I'm not going to pursue confronting the issues that I had with one of the midwife's care. Why bother? Everything is put into perspective right now.
I'm healing very well and feeling well. I have to watch that I eat enough because I start feeling really weird when my blood sugar is low. I've been eating tons. We're also trying to take small walks this week so that I start to feel like I can go out on my own. I was such a nervous Nelly when we went out yesterday but maybe that's because Malcolm was holding the baby in our sling and I don't know that I trust the sling. Weird, eh? We may need a different baby carrier. I also have a wrap called a cuddly wrap and it's pretty good. Maybe I'll use that today. We're going to give Liam his first bath today. Malcolm will sit in the tub and I will pass Liam to him. I want to be in the tub but not sure it would be the best idea with my healing wound.
I'm excited to share this news and I look forward to blogging about some of our up-coming adventures together.

2008-04-10T13:40:00.000-07:00

We went in for the midwives' appointment yesterday with L and actually it went really well. I feel okay about her being at the birth if it ends up being her (and I feel like it will be C in the end). So not sure how or why my feelings changed. Maybe I was feeling spooked or something. I don't know.

I feel as ready as I can be I guess. I've walked through the procedure in my imagination. The whole birth happens really quickly from what I understand. It will be quite a trip. Apparently, I can watch the baby being birthed and they will lay him or her on my stomach as they cut the cord. I know that things may not all go as planned but I sure hope everything is straight-forward. Try to stay present focussed. That will help with the anxiety. I'm kind of disgusted with how many lists I've had going and the amount of planning I've been doing. I need to chill out! I'm trying to nap a lot in between the cleaning and organizing. Ah, speaking of napping...

2008-04-08T22:10:00.000-07:00

Something came to a head last night and I decided (and Malcolm agreed) that we did not want one of the midwives (L) that we have to be present at the birth. It was looking as if she was going to be the one attending. Oddly, my c-section was booked at a time that was at the very end of her on-call shift. We kind of hinted that maybe it would be better to have the "fresh" midwife (C) who would be at the beginning of her shift. It was left up in the air last week as to who would be attending. As I've gone over it in my mind, I have this really clear feeling that I don't want L at the birth. She doesn't put me at ease and she has not helped me to feel positive and reassured about the c-section. She seemed disappointed in my choice not to have the baby turned and questioned me at length about it. I felt like I was defending and justifying my choices. Instead of asking me if I wanted to talk out how I came to the decision, she questioned me and challenged me as if I was on trial. What the hell? Her bias was so obvious and it was no longer about me or Malcolm or our baby. It was about what she (and her colleague) thought was best. It would have been wonderful to have a supportive climate in which I could have become really clear about what was driving my decision not to turn the baby. Our doctor (OB) asked us today why we decided not to have the version. The best I could explain it was that we had been through so much that I just didn't want any interventions that carried some risk. We wanted this baby born safely. I know that a c-section carries risk so maybe I'm not making sense or being rational. I think that my decision was also made at the gut level - I had tried so many things to get this baby to turn and he/whe wasn't budging. To try and force the baby to turn seemed intuitively wrong.
So I called the receptionist at the midwives' office and explained how I was feeling and asked her what she recommended that I do. She told me that I needed to talk it out with them. So, in an effort to avoid that (because frankly, I don't want to invest the emotional energy) I asked if she could try and confirm who would be at the birth - L or C. She agreed that she would do that and get back to me. So I heard from her at the end of today and she said that it would be C unless there was another client in labour and then C would have to be with her and L would be with me. The receptionist thought that there was a good chance that it would be C because many of their clients had given birth recently. So, it's still a bit up in the air. I have an appointment tomorrow with L again (don't know how it ended up being L again) and I tried to change it but C was not in for clinic hours (not sure why). And now I'm left with the decision about whether to keep quiet or whether to confront L. I think we've decided that we're going to go with the flow. Malcolm and I both figure that she will be in the periphery of the experience and it will really be all about us and welcoming our new baby. That feels right in this moment at least. We'll see if that changes. I don't want any drama before the baby's birth and really, all of the midwives we've seen have cared a lot and that's pretty important. I think one of the pros of having an elective c-section is that there is time to plan, and one of the cons of an elective is that there is time to over-think things. I'm going to try and meditate and pray in the next few days so that I will feel centered and ready for this incredible life event.

2008-04-05T17:32:00.000-07:00

Sleeping all the time these days it feels like. I am having a hard time getting comfortable at all. I do like swimming, it helps to alleviate the discomfort. I ought to go out for a walk today but I am enjoying being lazy. I did stay up late last night and I just wanted a pj day today. I'm getting more comfortable with the idea of a c-section. I shouldn't romanticize labour because I'm sure that it could be traumatizing too. It's funny though how I feel like I'm missing out on a universal experience but that's a stupid idea, it's not universal for all women. A bunch of women I know are not even having children for a variety of reasons. I guess I ought to be getting used to these surprise circumstances. There I go, going to that place of self-pity. I don't want to take things for granted. I have a lot to be thankful for and I want to focus on that. I am so glad that I don't have to work right up to my due date. I would be a mess. I think that I'll go back and read some of my posts since the beginning of this pregnancy. I have been reading over my journals and it's interesting to look back over the whole time. I've been incredibly happy and worried at times. For the most part, I've really enjoyed this pregnancy. I've enjoyed being pregnant. I am going to enjoy being a mom and caring for a little person. I am so in awe that I will get to meet him or her soon.

2008-03-29T18:39:00.000-07:00

Baby is still breech. I'm now almost in my 37th week so the chances of baby turning is really slim. I haven't lost all hope but I am preparing for the c-section. Went through a few dark days about this. I really wanted to experience the labour part of birthing. I thought I would kick ass. But really, who's to know? Maybe I would have ended up with a cesarean in the end. I feel like I have done some grieving and am now focusing on welcoming baby, no matter how he or she enters the world.

I went to a breastfeeding course which was really good. The teacher was a 65-year old nurse who has been a lactation specialist for years. I learned so much and it made me feel more confident. She also assured me that I would be fine following the surgery and it won't inhibit me from breastfeeding my baby. It was reassuring to hear those words. My midwives have made me feel like I should have chosen to have the baby turned by external version. It was a long, hard process to decide on what Malcolm and I thought was best and in the end we opted against it. The doctor only gave it a 40% chance of success. He said it was pretty tight in there. Then, we had to consider whether to labour breech or have a cesarean. Considering that we couldn't even guarantee that this doctor (who is apparently competent and confident with breech vaginal births) would be available when I was labouring, and it would be a 50/50 chance that I would need a cesarean anyway, it seems like the choice was made for me. What are the odds?? Breech babies occur in 3-4% of pregnancies. Statistics feel meaningless at this point. After a miscarriage, a molar pregnancy with chemo, and now a breech baby...what are the chances of that? Is there any meaning to any of it? Healthy baby - that's my mantra. Healthy baby, healthy baby, healthy baby.

It did bug me that the midwives did not seem to fully support my decisions. Interestingly enough, I spoke with a woman at the breastfeeding course who has the same midwives as I do and when I was relating my impressions, she agreed that she had experienced the same thing with them. They come across as a somewhat coercive, like they have an agenda. I spent considerable amount of time with them justifying my decisions about not attempting to turn the baby or having a vaginal birth. Maybe if there were more doctors trained in vaginal breech births, and maybe if we hadn't had so many unusual pregnancy experiences already, and maybe if Malcolm's family didn't have a history of traumatic births of firstborns, then maybe we'd consider it. I'd have to be very committed to the idea and confident in myself and my body. Quite frankly, I've lost some confidence in the wisdom of my body. I know that it is imperfect and simply does the best that it can. That might not be enough to deliver a baby without birth injuries. Anyways, I felt better after talking to this woman and she told me how she felt the same way after talking to another woman who had had the same experience with these particular midwives. It's weird though, because I had such a good experience of them up until now and I still respect them but the relationship has shifted somewhat. One of them will be there for the c-section and they continue to provide 6 weeks of post-partum care. I have an appointment today so I'm hoping that we can move forward. If they want to get back into it or speak negatively about the c-section birth then I will have to speak up and have a conversation with them.

I'm doing some gardening these days and it feels great. Actually, I have had more energy lately which has been different than the last week. For the past couple of weeks, I've been tired and battling headaches. Thankfully, I've been headache free for 2 days. I ate more meat thinking that maybe I was low in iron or something. Not sure if that was it, but I do feel better.

I've got everything ready for when the baby comes home. I've also filled our freezer with homemade meals. My brother and I spent a day cooking together. It was so sweet of him. I can't believe that the baby will be here in less than 2 weeks. It makes me sad that the baby can't choose his/her own birthday but instead, it's all scheduled. Oh well. I'm trying to let it go. It's a practice in letting go of expectations.

So, join me in my mantra.....healthy baby, healthy mom, healthy baby, healthy mom....

Gratitude

2008-03-16T09:44:00.000-07:00

It' March 16th and where has so much time gone? I finished up work on Friday. What a relief (slow exhale). It has been the craziest term and I'm just so happy to have some time to myself.

My in-laws are visiting now and they're so excited for us. We've had a great time with them. It's only another 6 weeks before we will meet our baby. I'm curious to find out who this little person will be. He or She has been positioned breech for a while now. I've been trying all sorts of crazy things to get him/her to turn. Moxa, acupuncture, tilt board, swimming, handstands while swimming. I've got a chiropractic appointment lined up and a massage. So far no luck. I'm scheduled to see an OB this week. My midwives made the appointment. I think that they want me prepared in case I need a cesarean. I've had a few good cries about that but ultimately, I want this baby born healthy and I'm not willing to take the risks of a breech baby labour with doctors who don't have a lot of experience with breech births. I'm talking to baby, Malcolm's talking to baby. Baby seems to be very comfortable in the same position. I've heard a bit about an external version where the doctor tries to manually turn the baby. I will probably find out more about that at this Tuesday's appointment.

People have tried to reassure me that there's still time and there is still time so I am trying to relax a bit. I don't look forward to a surgery, however, I also know that with "natural" births that there can be problems and the woman can need a c-section. I will get through it if it comes to that.

Head over to the egg, the sperm and the mole to congratulate Anna. She delivered a beautiful baby girl! Also, babymakingblues and Second chances have had their babies too. Incredible. There were times for all of us that we thought it may never happen. Life is certainly mysterious.

Happy birthday to me!

2008-02-08T18:23:00.000-08:00

Woops - this was suppose to have the date February 10th, ....oh well.

I haven't written in a long time. I've been working so hard at school. I ask myself why. Why am I working so hard?? I resolve to work less. The harder I work, the crankier I get and it's not a good way to be.

I can't believe it's February. I had a great birthday weekend. I went shopping for a couple of new maternity tops. Then, Malcolm and I went out for a nice dinner last night and went to "Persepolis". What an incredible film. I'm still thinking about it. Today we had brunch with family. My mom cooked a yummy meal. My mom and I made plans to goi to go next weekend and start buying a few things for baby. I found a good consignment store in North Van and I think I can get a bunch of things there. I'm leaving Malcolm in charge of the crib and car seat. I want to find most things before I'm on maternity leave because the month before the baby comes, I want to relax. I see that as a time for going for walks, gardening, massages, spa days. Having no errands to run.

I have to go to bed soon. I am feeling somewhat claustraphobic about all of the routines in my life. Maybe I'm just sick of commuting. I'm tired of making my lunch and going to bed by 9pm. I'm tired of the students' petty arguments. I'm probably still tired from last week which was a very draining week. Now this week is Valentine's day. Ugh. Mostly, I do enjoy teaching. I think that this time of the year can be hard because it's dark and cold and rainy and there are not any holidays.

I am grateful for all that I have. I especially appreciate my fantastic husband. I love you so much sweetie. I'm glad we met and realized what we had found. Thank you for a great birthday weekend.

2008-01-16T20:29:00.000-08:00

I've been resisting a lot lately. Resisting writing, resisting walking, resisting being at work. I haven't felt very inspired for the past few days. I've had a few moments but mostly I've been resisting daily routines. I've been getting to work later and leaving earlier. That feels great but maybe it's not a good sign. Although, I've also poured my heart and soul into teaching for the last 4 years and maybe I'm now shifting priorities to honor this new life that is emerging. I don't know. Am I checking out? Maybe that's "normal". I know what it is. It's the January doldrums. It's the knowledge that the weather is rainy and dreary for the next 2 months and there are no holidays until Spring break in March. That's what it is. And so I need to plan some nice dates - plays, dinners, social events. And take a day off now and again to nurture myself.

I'm considering finding a doula. Maybe I don't need one but hey, any extra pampering/support is a big plus. I've signed up Malcolm and I for a prenatal class. I guess I'm in week 27. Almost into my 3rd trimester. I can't believe that. I feel like I should be bigger but the midwife assured me last week that my fundus is measuring within the range and the baby is kicking and fine. So I need to relax. Oh, that makes me think of booking a massage. That sounds good. We're trying to pay off debts though so I'm trying to conserve money. And I'm trying to go through our storage cupboard and clear out a bunch of crap. There's so much to do before I start mat leave. Maybe I can get some help from friends and Malc will definetly help. Ahhh, what the hell is wrong with me? I sound stressed out.
The baby kicks quite often now. I like it. I feel like I have some sort of pinched nerve in my back (sciatica?) which is disappointing because we just got a new bed which is so comfortable. It couldn't be related to our new, comfortable bed could it? I thought it would make such a difference. I did sleep better last night. Who knows?
I'm kind of bummed out that my last two entries have been negative. I'm using my sun lamp more now so maybe that will make a difference. SAD and all that. It has been really gloomy around here. I haven't talked to my friend since when I found out her daughter has cancer, but I was forwarded a website that is keeping us updated on her progress. Apparently, her tumor has shrunk quite significantly from the chemo treatments which is good news. I hope my friend is okay. Of course she's not but she's strong and loving and positive. Somehow she will make it through. She was one of my friends who was really genuine and compassionate when I was going through my chemo. I never would have dreamed that this would happen to her. Who would?
I resolve to be more positive next time. Send us some sunshine! Lord knows, I need it.

2008-01-03T22:22:00.000-08:00

I was going to start this post by talking about the new year and blah, blah, blah, but my heart is just not in it. My thoughts go immediately to my lovely friend - the most kind, peaceful person I think I have ever met. Her 5-year old daughter was diagnosed with cancer over Christmas. It takes all the breath out of me and leaves me numb. How can this be true? And not only is my friend reeling from this tragedy, but prior to her child's illness her husband told her that he's not "in love" with her anymore. My wonderful, loving friend who is the most genuine person, someone who have I have admired and aspired to be like. Since she told me yesterday, I don't know what to do with these feelings. "It's not fair!" keeps blasting through my mind. Somehow, T is putting one foot in front of the other and her love still shines through. I hope that I provided some support but I was just so shocked. And I still am. She said so many of the same things that I did after my levels went up and I had to go in for chemo....."Why is this happening to me?" was the most poignant. She feels as if the ground beneath her has suddenly disappeared. This life is so mysterious. How do we not take it personally? How can we not feel that this is being "done" to us? I have no answers.

A Big Ho, Ho, Ho to Everyone

2007-12-25T15:37:00.000-08:00

and for those of you not feeling very Christmassy...forgetaboutit! Sometimes it feels great to take a holiday from Christmas. I know that's what we did last year and it was the right thing to do.

I have a lull between my Dad leaving and going over to my brother's for Christmas dinner so I'm doing a bit of surfing and blogging. Why not? We had a nice 24 hours. I cooked a super yummy meal last night - stuffed pork loin with an apricot glaze, scalloped potatoes (very cheezy), salad, veggies. Mmmmm. I've had to reduce my portions somewhat because I feel so bloated and full after I eat a meal. It feels uncomfortable. And then comes the gas - woah, look out! My Dad and I went to midnight mass which was beautiful. Then today, Malc, my Dad and I opened gifts. Malc got me a diamond bracelet (awww) and his parents spoiled us. I especially liked the album they put together of Malcolm as a baby and small child. I have been asking to see baby pictures of Malcolm for a long time and his mom had said that they are all piled into a big box. That was very thoughtful of her to go through them and make a nice album. We'll see my mom and brother tonight and open gifts.

I'm feeling relaxed now. I had a stressful last week of school and was sleeping really badly. It seemed that I transferred all of my stress and anxiety to my pregnancy. I actually called the midwives to see if they could squeeze me in and check the heartbeat. Thankfully, the lovely receptionist did manage to fit me in. I think that the midwife was quite surprised to see me and was wondering what brought me in. "Random insecurities," I replied. Once I heard the heartbeat all the stress welled up and I started crying. I have to explain that I am not comfortable with crying - at all. I know that there is nothing wrong with it but I have such a hard time with it. I talked with the midwife a bit about the stress I've been going through and the insecurities that will well up. It's like I start to feel panic-y when I feel too confident. It's some kind of protection mechanism. I want to be open and vulnerable and enjoy the confident feelings. I thought that I had past these feelings but I see that it's a bit like a spiral and I will circle back to these feelings once in awhile.

Well, I ought to go get ready for dinner now. Hope everyone is able to try and feel some of the light and love today.

2007-12-16T20:30:00.000-08:00

I've really enjoyed the comments that some people have been posting. Thank you for your well wishes and putting up with my spelling mistakes and overuse of certain words ("great" and "so" and "such"). I reread my posts after the fact and am too lazy to go back and change things. The comments help me to feel connected to a community. I've sort of fell off with the forum that I use to frequent. I'm not sure why. Maybe I'll try that out again. Anna, if you are reading, I'd like to email you so if you don't mind, would you share your email address in a comment?
Last week was a very long week and I was quite tired. It was the week after our Christmas party and I think I was playing catch up with sleep all week. It was a fantastic party though! What a nice energy. Friendly people and a good mix of people. Everyone was very sociable. I was glad it went so well. Sometimes throwing a party can be a bit anxiety producing. I was up quite late and I really wanted to go to bed at 10pm but everyone didn't leave until about 2:00.

This week we have the Christmas concert and then mostly a lot of fun crafts and movie days leading up to Christmas. We don't get off until the 21st this year so it's quite close to Christmas. Everyone is just done. I don't know how we'll pull off this concert but somehow it always comes together.

I'm feeling baby movement all the time now. Malcolm actually felt a kick too! It was amazing. That was in the 21st week. He was so amazed by the experience. It's interesting because it hasn't happened since. I've felt a lot of movement but he hasn't felt it on the outside. It must have been some fluke and the baby was positioned just right or gave a particularly hard kick or punch. I have truly been soaking in these incredible moments. It is such an amazing process growing new life inside of you. I feel very present and grateful.

Malcolm and I had the experience of being given baby "advice" at my staff Christmas party. I tried to hear it as storytelling instead of advice so that I wouldn't get annoyed. It seemed to work for me. I didn't take any of it personally and just listened for the love in their stories about their babies. Why do people feel the need to give advice about your expected baby? Everybody's experience is so personal and unique. I just don't think that you can generalize.

I also had the experience of talking with our secretary too, who had 3 miscarriages before her third child. We talked about the anxiety and insecurities that are present in the healthy pregnancy. It was cathartic to talk to someone who went through a very difficult time with pregnancy also. She's a lovely woman and talked very openly with me about that time in her life.

My students now know that I am pregnant. One little boy came in to class in the morning and flat out asked, "Are you pregnant?". So, I told the whole class and they are so excited. It has prompted many questions and comments. Many are thinking of names for the baby. The same grade one boy came in another morning and said, "My brother says that stress will harm the baby." He followed that by saying, "I don't really know what that means though". They've been coming out with some really funny things. I need to start writing more of what they say down.

So, I better be off to bed. I do reflect on how much love and well wishes are coming my way now that I am pregnant. I could have used this same kind of support with my pregnancy losses but maybe I was not open enough about the pain that I was going through. It felt so personal and I didn't want to share it but maybe I could have been open to receiving love and help. Mostly, I just felt like people wanted to avoid that pain. So, I'm sending out my love now to all the women who are trying to get pregnant or waiting to get pregnant or who have had a loss.

21 weeks on Sunday

2007-12-07T20:05:00.000-08:00

Where does the time go? I am so tired tonight. It's been a long week. Report cards are done and now we're on to the fun hype of Christmas. It's been a good week all around.

Malc and I are throwing a Christmas party tomorrow night. I think I'm looking forward to it. I'm worried I'm going to fall asleep or want to fall asleep. I still have to go out and get a Christmas tree and the food. Then there's the preparing the food, which is fun but can be tiring. I am happy that we're doing this though. I would love to run away to Hawaii this Christmas. God, that would be great! Ooohhhh, the sun! I miss the sun. Actually, we have had a couple of cold, sunny days this week which has been great. Last weekend it was snowing and it was so beautiful. Then it rained. Monsooooooon rain. Unbelievable-crashing-down, Noah's-arc- floating-by, afraid-to-be-swept-away rain. Wacky weather.

I've been attending prenatal yoga. It's been great. I do feel a bit stupid and uncomfortable at times, with all the smooshy talk. Not sure that that makes sense. The teacher likes us to introduce ourselves, share how far along we are and how we're feeling. Sometimes I'm not interested in this. I want to do yoga. I get so much interaction during the day, I want me time and peacefulness. I don't want to have to give others my attention. Isn't that unreal? I sound like a selfish b*tch. I'm one of those people that does not recharge through meeting new people. And just because I'm going through a similar experience doesn't mean I'm going to connect with these other pregnant ladies. I think that shows how tired and cranky I am. If I was well-rested I might be a little more open and willing to meet new people. It is good knowing others with babies and small children.

I'm actually allowing myself to feel more confident lately. I did feel a bit insecure at the beginning of the week after I let the staff at my school know. It was the first time in a few weeks that I started to feel panicky about the baby again. Luckily, we had a midwife appointment on Tuesday and all was well. Wasn't sure how much I connected with this midwife though. There are 3 on the team. There's one on the team that I really like a lot. We did hear baby's heartbeat again.

The movements and kicks are still there and a little stronger. It's quite cool. I'd love to have a doppler and listen to the baby's heartbeat more often.

It was weird telling the staff. I'm glad they know but pregnancy is so commmon at our school that it's really not a big deal. Which is fine. There's no problem I guess. The teachers at my school are exceptional teachers. I think that everyone's a bit stretched thin by the amount of challenging classes and complexity of a big school with multiple programs. Ahhhhh. Time for bed. Time to relax. I am so ready for the holidays. Feeling grateful for everything though. Love, love, love.

Introducing....baby!

2007-11-23T10:03:00.000-08:00

Cute as pie already. This is some kind of cross section picture so that's why it looks like there's a stump instead of a hand. I want more details though. I had a whole list of questions but the technician was tight-lipped. I haven't got a call from the midwives about any abnormalities though so all is well. I tried calling them today but they're closed! I didn't know that they were closed on Fridays. That was a bit annoying. Oh well, when I called on Tuesday the receptionist (who is terrific) said that if I hadn't received a call, that everything was normal. She also said to call back on Thursday if I wanted to talk to a midwife.

So, I'm taking a mental health day. Well, also a sick day because my throat was hurting all week. I actually went to the doctor on Monday after my ultrasound to have her check things out. She took a throat swab, however it appears that there is nothing bacterial. That means it's viral. Fortunately, I woke up after sleeping in this morning and my throat pain is gone! It is such a relief. Having that pain everytime I swallowed really was getting me down. I can understand how people with chronic pain can be so grumpy. You just want relief.

My 18 week ultrasound went well. That is, there were no abnormalities found. But the technician was not the greatest. He didn't make it really inspiring if you know what I mean. It was all very clinical and factual and he wasn't forthcoming with information. Finally, after 20 minutes of him quietly making measurements, I said, "We just want to know if everything's okay. We've had a couple of pregnancy losses." At that point he said, "Everything looks fine." He only gave us a 30 second peek at the baby (who was all curled up with a beautiful looking spine). And we left with 2 not-great ultrasound pics. I was happy that everything looked fine but I thought the experience could have been more special. Oh well, I need to count my blessings.

Malc and I told my mom about the pregnancy last weekend. She was happy for us but she brought up the whole crib thing, "Aren't you glad I ended up storing the crib for you?" Gad. Shut up! We don't care about the fucking crib. I was mad she brought that up. I was so upset about that conversation. Has she forgotten about that? Sometimes I wonder about her memory. I have this feeling that we're going to look at the crib and be like, no thanks! Geez. Anyways, I'm letting that go. It's not important. Not I need to tell my brother and sister and the people at work.

It's beautiful here today - sunny and cold. I think I might take a stroll after I write a few more report cards. Feeling pretty good today.

2007-11-16T22:35:00.000-08:00

It's late. I am going to bed soon but felt the urge to blog. I'm feeling pretty relaxed tonight even though my throat and ear hurt. It's annoying to hear myself complain about my sick symptoms. I think I'm on the mend. My cough is a lot better. I'm going to the doctor this week if my sore throat doesn't improve. I have a feeling that it's a virus but it's probably better to get it checked out. I probably should have got it checked out this week but it's so much work to prep for a sub and then rush back to Vancouver for the appointment. And probably just to be told to get lots of rest and drink lots of fluids. I've been talking to other people and they have had this virus for a long time. Okay, enough of that.

We had an amazing time on Saltspring. The chalet we booked was perfect and it was an amazing getaway. There way a fireplace and a two-person soaker tub and a view of the ocean. My massage was awesome. I need to get massages more often. We made awesome dinners and "holed-up" for one whole day. It was great. The weather was rainy which made it really nice to be cozy inside. I'm so glad we made that happen.

I'm starting to show. Especially after eating because I get very bloated. I'm getting used to this new body. I think I would be feeling better if I got some exercise. I plan to go to prenatal yoga tomorrow. I've also got to write reports. I think I'll take a day off to write them next week. Boring. I'm so boring.

I have an ultrasound this Monday. I'll be just 18 weeks. Sometimes I think I might be feeling movements inside. It feels like tiny bubbles popping, if that makes any sense.

I'm going to have to tell people at work soon. Most of them have guessed I think. I don't really care. I don't really want the attention though. It feels so personal and I don't much want to discuss it. I guess I'm introverted that way. I wonder who will be feeling upset to hear another pregnancy announcement. I know that there is one staff member for sure who is trying to get pregnant right now. She talks about it regularly.

So, off to bed.

2007-11-10T07:45:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I did something stupid. I googled "choriocarcinoma and live birth". Why, you ask? I still have a cough which I'm 99% sure is still me getting over this cold (I've read that pregnant women take longer to recover from a cold/flu virus) but it got me to thinking, what would my symptoms be if the gtd came back while I was pregnant. This is my deepest fear that I rarely acknowledge. From my reading, I found out that the symptoms would be coughing up blood and pleural effusion due to cancer nodes in the lungs. Ugg. The risks are so small. But I started to mentally beat up on myself for being impatient and getting pregnant before the 12 month follow-up. I think my fears have now subsided somewhat. My cough seems to be subsiding. (Incidently, in the article I read, the woman and her baby lived and were currently healthy although she did have to go through many rounds of strong chemo after a caesarian section).

Why do I do these things? It's the control freak in me. I realize I have a lot of anxiety at times. I don't realize how much I am carrying in my body. I went to a prenatal yoga class on Thursday and it was so amazing. But what came up for me is how much stress and anxiety I am carrying. Through moving my body in a variety of ways - we were encouraged to dance, vocalize, laugh....it was quite creative - I was crying at a number of times. Finally, my body was being nutured and could hardly believe it! Why am I so hard on myself? I've been meaning to get a massage and instead I work myself so hard without many breaks. I always seem to be carrying heavy bags to work and little kids can be exhausting.

Woooooo. I'm letting it all out. We have a 3-day weekend and Malc and I are going away to Saltspring and I'm not taking any work with me. I woke up early this morning and I couldn't get back to sleep so I thought I'd get up to blog and maybe work on report cards. I'm all prepared for next week which feels great. Usually I'm working on Sunday and preparing. This is much better. I'll be sure to take some pics of Saltspring to post. Also, I need to upload all of my ultrasounds.

I'm now 17 weeks and have an ultrasound scheduled for two weeks from now. I can't feel any of the baby's movements, at least not that I'm aware of. I read that first time moms often feel movements between 18 and 20 weeks. So a couple more weeks to go. I told my principal that I was pregnant. That was okay. I was very conscious about not expecting a certain kind of response.

I did have one beautiful experience with sharing my pregnancy news. I told a good friend who knows about all of my other pregnancy losses. She was so happy for me and it was genuine. We talked and talked about it. She has 3 girls herself. She's a bit like an adopted big sister for me because she's about 10 years older. I love her for making my announcement so special. I still haven't told my mom, of all people. My dad knows but the rest of my family doesn't. Malc and I plan to tell my mom next weekend when we meet her for brunch. I think that there is a part of me that is still hurting from when she asked me, "So, should I keep this crib? Will Malcolm and you be trying again?" God, that made me mad. It was like all she was concerned about was storage space and she wanted to get rid of that damn crib. Geez. Like, we don't want to store it and since someone gave it to you for us, it's your decision to make. It was so insensitive. To her credit, she did apologize and said she felt bad for hurting my feelings.

So, I'm going to keep going to this prenatal yoga. It was great and the instructor was creative and cool. She seemed so uninhibited. She did a lot of coaching throughout the class and on more than just where to put your feet or hands. She coached on the more psychological/emotional/spiritual side of pregnancy. So many of the women there were close to giving birth. There were only about 4 of us that were 4 months. That was a bit intimidating at first. Weird, I know. I think I need to start visualizing myself with a big, round belly. I don't think I can comprehend that I'm actually going to experience that this time around. I want to have positive visualizations. I'll make an effort with that this weekend. Oh, and I've lined up a massage! It will be heaven.

2007-10-31T18:49:00.000-07:00

Last week's post:
"Yesterday's midwife appointment went really well. We met with another midwife who we had seen way back during my first pregnancy. She's very cool and we both like her a lot. She is very experienced and seems like a person who is able to go with the flow.

I took the afternoon off which was very nice. What a great break. We got to hear the baby's heartbeat and some kicking. That was a relief and it didn't take her long to find the heartbeat either."

I haven't blogged in awhile. Full-time work and this particular job has an overwelming amount of work. I'm pooped. Three grades is just so much work and you can't repeat much from year to year. Malcolm is calling me to come to bed and I ought to go soon. If I'm not in bed before 10:30, I'm toast the next day.

Our mini-vacation is coming up soon and I can't wait. Following that, I will be writing report cards. God, I feel so boring. My writing tonight is just skimming the surface. Sometimes I feel like I don't write frequently enough and if I did, I would write about all the profound insights/moments in my life.

I am proud of myself for joining yoga. I may go to a prenatal class tomorrow. I'm eating fairly well. I still have a stuffy nose and cough but it's much better. I'm really grumpy. And sometimes small children annoy me these days. They're so immature (ha!). Working during pregnancy is ridiculous. It's so wrong to expect women to work full-time during the duration of their pregnancy. As if nothing much is going on within their bodies. It's typical of our society. We're fucking growing a baby inside our wombs! And I'm suppose to slave like a dog at this job with never-ending work. God, I'm sounding bitter tonight. Usually I don't feel this way but there was a staff meeting today and I'm just done. DONE. People can be so annoying. Sorry for the rant. Didn't mean for that to happen. I'm signing off now and not re-reading or spelling checking. The brat in me is coming out.

2007-10-28T09:40:00.000-07:00

Things are starting to look up. I still have a cold but it is getting better every day. It's a nasty virus. Presently, my nose is stuffed up and I have a bad cough. I read somewhere that pregnant women are more susceptible to colds and illnesses. You'd think our immune system would be up and not down.

We went to "earthmomma's" house last night for a Halloween party. It was pretty relaxed. Her baby is just like her - happy, serene, easily-contented. She's such an easy baby to take care of according to her mom. It made me think again about how much is a crap shoot. Are we going to have a cranky baby or a calm baby that sleeps? Absolutely out of my control. I know that I'll love him/her no matter what. I have this feeling that it's going to be a boy (there are tons of boys in Malcolm's family). I never used to have a preference (like in my first pregnancy) but this time, for some reason, I want a girl. I'm dealing with so many boys at school all the time. Girls seem more calm. These are all my deep dark secrets that I have not said aloud. What the hell is with me? The most important thing is that the baby is born healthy. That's why I am so surprised that I am having these other thoughts.

I think that I have some anxiety about becoming a mother. Even the way I announced my pregnancy to my friend. I felt.....proud or something. Proud? Like, what's that all about? It's something I've wanted for so long. But I feel kind of....what? I don't really like telling people. With some people, it's because I feel like they think that all I want to do is get pregnant. That that's been the whole focus of my life. And I think that they think it's desperate. Why do I care what anyone thinks of me? Do I feel desperate? Since I was little, I felt like really good things did not often happen to me. I was so grateful when life sent some good luck my way. It did give me the feeling that I cling on to what's good in my life because I don't feel like it's mine and I feel like it will be taken away. Woa...that's weird. I didn't know I was feeling that way. I think that there is a part of me that feels like this goodness is fragile and fleeting.

This other teacher at work was fishing for information and then flat out asked me if I was pregnant. I was so irritated that she did this, which is strange because normally I really like her. She was taking that power of when I wanted to share out of my hands. It diminished the excitement about sharing. So far my experiences of sharing that I am pregnant have not been fulfilling. I want to change that. I also really don't think it's anyone else's business until I decide to share. In fact, maybe the trick is to not give anyone else a thought. Meaning, who cares if they know, who cares how they react and what they think. This is all mine and Malcolm's experience. I never cared what people thought about Malcolm when I introduced them. I was sure that he was what I wanted and that's all that mattered to me.

Work is really not helping me this year. I am so ready to move on from the school that I am at. There are some really exceptional teachers and students that I have learned from. But, I am done with the challenging students and their families. Every year, I have had 2 or 3 with difficult behaviors and for the past 2 years, I have had 3 grades (a multi-age classroom). It has sucked me dry a lot of the time.

Well, this post is ultra-honest. It's probably time that I get super honest with myself. Get to what is really important. I'm ready for this new phase of life that is coming. I really want a shift. I wish I could shake the insecure feelings away. I would love to have absolute confidence that everything will go right with this pregnancy and baby. I'm working towards that. I actually have felt more confidence about this pregnancy since that nuchal ultrasound. And now I'm at 15 weeks so I am past the first trimester. 15 weeks. It's kind of hard to believe. I don't feel like I have much of a bump but it's more like I feel like I am putting on weight in my belly. I'd like to start a prenatal exercise class this week. I need to get more exercise.

Malc and I have this lovely escape weekend planned for 2 weeks from now. We're going to a resort on Saltspring island. It's going to be awesome. And I have a massage scheduled. It's exactly what we both need. I'm so glad I spontaneously booked it. We need some time to focus on us. Work and chores get in the way at times. And there is so much going on under the surface, as I discovered this morning with writing.

Bad Day

2007-10-22T19:13:00.000-07:00

I'm sick....again. I was so worried that I was feverish but I took my temperature and it never got to 38C or above which is considered fever range. I did start taking Tylenol and that helped a lot. I'm so angry that I'm sick. I've been focussing so carefully on trying to stay in balance and here I am, sick again. It makes me sad and upset.

I'm fighting with Malcolm too. And I was a dragon teacher today. Needless to say, I'm taking the day off work tomorrow. Or maybe 2. Every week there's something though. This week it is parent-teacher interviews. Two late nights. I'm so done.

Not a positive post. I'll try for that next time. Hope baby's okay. Have a midwife appt scheduled for next week.

2007-10-16T19:15:00.000-07:00

Not sure what I want to write about tonight but I felt the urge. I reread my previous two posts and noticed all of the errors. I vow to reread before I hit publish. Sometimes I just don't care.

So, I'm feeling good. Well actually, I'm feeling bloated tonight and exhausted. Had a really intense meeting regarding a student of mine. That left me feeling tired. However, I still feel positive about this pregnancy and growing baby. I can now feel my uterus popping up above the pubic bone. I have to try and get some exercise every day. I hopped on our exercise bicycle tonight and pedalled for 30 minutes. At least that's a start.

I'm in my 13th week. Do I start my second trimester in the 14th week or at the end of the 14th week? Somehow, that's an important milestone for me. I was freaking out last night about some pains I was having. I'm pretty sure that they were gas pains, however I went into some slight panic mode. Is there any such thing as "slight" panic mode? Everything has been okay today. No pains.

I'd love to have more down time. Wouldn't everybody? I know I have it pretty good. I'm lucky to have a job and a loving, supportive husband, friends, family. Life is good. Maybe I have a habit of complaining because it's a bit more interesting than "life is good". I totally refrained there from complaining. It was just on the tip of my fingertips to let loose the vent but I will refrain.

Looks like I don't really have that much to write about. I'll be off to read some other blogs for inspiration. Until next time.

Back from Edmonton

2007-10-15T20:53:00.001-07:00

Life feels far too busy right now. We got back from Edmonton last night. It was Malc's 20th highschool reunion. I tagged along to visit with his parents. It was a good weekend but kind of draining. We told them about our pregnancy and that was a bit weird. Maybe I wasn't quite ready yet to share. My fil was really excited and showed it. My mil had a more measured response, shall we say. Malcolm thinks she may be anxious for us. She had a lot of questions about midwife care. It seems that she thought we should have a doctor but she never came right out and said it. I love them dearly. I guess I didn't realize that I had certain expectations about how they would react. Plus, this wasn't the first time that we had announced a pregnancy. It was weird and I still feel so protective. I don't want to share the news. Has anyone else felt this way?

Will right more soon once things calm down a bit. Full time work - blak.

I can relax now

2007-10-09T12:08:00.000-07:00

Note: I'm sorry. I thought I had published this but apparently I didn't. How distracted is that? I didn't mean to cause any worry. There's enough of that that none of us need any more.
-------------------------------------------------

Phew! The nuchal's done and it went really well. Our baby has fingers and toes. We saw him or her move! So cool. I felt like I was going to vomit before we went in (and it wasn't pregnancy symptoms). It was from sheer anxiety and terror. Fortunately, the (young) doctor was calm and was able to reassure us quite quickly that the fetus was (is) present and does have a heartbeat. Everything checks out and our baby's risk for certain abnormalities is low (like 1 in 10,000). So we don't have to go on to the more invasive tests like CVS or amnio. I feel such relief and amazement. I was again prepared for the worst and I really need to stop that. So I feel great and I'm glad I had taken the whole day off to celebrate with my husband. We had a awesome day together.

2007-10-05T18:48:00.000-07:00

I'm listening to Melissa's Etheridge's newest album "The Awakening". It's really good. It's helping me through this time. I love when an album or book or TV show finds its way to you at the right time. It's good magic.

I've got my nuchal ultrasound on Tuesday. I'm taking a full day off. I am scared. I think I might feel more confident if I had major pregnancy symptoms but they've been so minimal lately and I have no baby bump. The (private) clinic that I have to go to for this ultrasound makes me feel stressed. I'm not sure exactly why. I guess it's because I have no relationships with anyone there. Deep breath. I need to refocus to the present moment. I get going so fast with work that I think it takes me out of the moment. Always planning ahead or feeling behind. Life of a teacher.

I'm going to take this weekend to be nurturing to myself. To be thankful. I'm so thankful for my husband. That came so naturally and we have a great relationship. I am thankful for my parents who are less than perfect but perfectly themselves. I am thankful for the new connections I've made at work with other teachers. I am thankful for music and for magic moments with kids and students. I am thankful for this incredible fall day.

I want to take long walks alone in nature. I want a puppy. I want to paint. I want lots of hugs. I want this baby. I want to worry less. I want to be more present. I want to cry more. I want to read more and enjoy all forms of entertainment. I want to go to the Art Gallery and see plays. I want to see huge spectacles. I want to go to the farmer's market and buy yummy food.

What's your "I want" list?

2007-09-29T09:03:00.000-07:00

Working full-time makes the weeks fly by. I'm glad September is over because it is such a busy, crazy time of year. I had a midwives appointment last week on Tuesday and I was disappointed that the midwife couldn't find the heartbeat with the Doppler. She didn't seem too concerned and said that it can be hard to find at just 10 weeks. Thank God for ultrasounds is all I can say. I have the nuchal booked for 2 weeks from now. I hope everything is still going okay. I have been experiencing some nausea and my breasts are quite heavy. I get up to pee in the night, then I feel nauseous, I have to eat, and then I can't get back to sleep. That happened a few times this week. My sore throat cleared up this week and then after a few nights without a lot of sleep, it appears that it has come back. I need to take some sick days and just rest. Full-time work can really suck. Thankfully, Thanksgiving is coming up and that will be 3 days off. I really, really want to make it through this first trimester. Tomorrow, I will be at 11 weeks.

I worry constantly. Well, maybe not constantly. I was worried about my sore throat (with a slight earache). I'm worried about a child having fifth's disease. I actually sent a student home because he was complaining of a hot cheek. With fifth's disease, I think that you always have two cheeks that looked slapped. I am paranoid. I got a cough one day and I worried that the gest. tropho. neoplasia was back. I'm having a hard time trusting. And I went to a wedding shower for a woman at work and there was a (younger) pregnant staff member there and she exudes this blissed out pregnant woman that has no doubt that things will not progress well. I'm trying to find that place again. That confidence. I feel my loss when I think about that. I was so happy to be pregnant that first time. It was so magical. I know that sounds corny...but I was really ecstatic and felt deep in my heart that everything would be fine. When I lost that first baby, it felt like such a betrayal. I had been abandoned. It was an injustice. And now it has been such a process to trust again. It's so tenuous. It's been over a week since my last ultrasound and I'm starting to feel unsure again. I figure since I'm not bleeding that that's a good sign. However, I know that the body doesn't always realize when a fetus has died. God, listen to me. My baby is healthy and growing. I welcome new life. I release my fears. I am healthy and safe. All is well. I have had two great ultrasounds. Everything points to a healthy fetus.

And to make things more stressful, I have a very difficult student this year. We think that this student may have a mental health issue or autistic spectrum disorder. The child's in the process of being evaluated and until we know, it's coping with the disruptive behaviours. I've been having bad dreams about him. In one dream, the student's dad told me that his child had witnessed a murder during a drug deal that went wrong. It was really weird and I don't know where my mind made that up from.

It's rainy here. I'm going out to breakfast with my mom. Maybe I'll go early and read the paper. I'm going to rest a lot this weekend to get over this virus that I have. I may have to go to the doctor this coming week if it's not clearing up. Sometimes I wish I wasn't working. Although, at least it takes my mind off things. I think I might be healthier if I wasn't working so much though. Worry, worry, worry. Okay, I'm stopping the worry now. Must be peaceful. Peaceful.

Gratitude

2007-09-22T06:33:00.000-07:00

Thanks for all of your support. I did end up calling the midwives, booking an ultrasound and asking for support through this first trimester. Fortunately, the midwives responded immediately and I have received several phone calls since. It is very reassuring and validates to me that I made the right choice in care. I just needed to tell them what I need. I think that they try to take their cues from the woman and I could be more proactive.

So I was able to get a ultrasound booked for last Wednesday. The technician scared the crap out of me when she barked out my name and I thought, oh no, I can't go in there with her. But I did. And she was very clinical. However, the news was really positive so in the end, I didn't care that she was such a cow. The baby had grown and measured at nine weeks and the heart rate was 171. She printed me off some pictures but they were super blurry, not like the last ultrasound pics at 6 weeks which had excellent resolution. The technician was so lovely last time. We were so lucky to get her. Plus, she gave us the names of 3 other great technicians that work there because she was going off on maternity leave. So, I will book the next ultrasound myself (for 18 weeks) and try and get one of them. It does make a difference. This last tech was so robotic...."How many pregnancies have you had?" "Any children?" "Did you have a d&c for the molar?" Ah yes, you have to. "Were their any complications after it?" Ah yup, I went on to have chemotherapy. And how the hell is this relevant?? Find the baby, tell me the heart rate and don't make me more anxious by making me recount my sad history. Really, how was any of that necessary. And these questions were rattled off like they were from a form questionnaire. Anyways, I need to focus on what's important and that's that the baby is doing well. Thank goodness. It's so cool. I wish she would have shown me the screen for longer. Next week, I have an appointment with the midwife and she will try to find the heart rate with the Doppler. Then, I will have another ultrasound in my 12 week. Once I pass the 12th week, I think I will feel a lot more confident. I certainly feel much better after this second positive ultrasound. I am so, so grateful.

Got the Worries

2007-09-16T11:16:00.000-07:00

Uuuugh. I have caught a cold...already. I'm so ticked off. I've been taking really good care of myself and going to bed early. It's not fair.

I've been having some worry attacks in the last couple of days because I've noticed a difference in my body. I was feeling really bloated and heavy feeling, with big, sore boobs. Then, in the last couple of days I feel like I've deflated like a balloon. Although yesterday my boobs did get sore again later in the day. I don't know what the hell's going on. I consulted the internet and sure enough, some women have these fluctuations and for others, it's a sign of an impending miscarriage. I can't handle it!!!! Everytime the answer is, every woman's different and every pregnancy is different. Couldn't there be some way to know? So I'm going to call my midwives and book another ultrasound. That's the only way I can get through this time. The nuchal ultrasound isn't until my 12th week and I'm just now 9 weeks. There's been no bleeding so I shouldn't suspect anything is wrong. What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I believe it will all work out okay? I feel so incredibly in the dark about what's happening in my own body. I hardly feel pregnant.

I wish someone from the midwives office would have called me by now. I've had no contact from any of them since that first visit, not even a follow up call about that first ultrasound. It would have been nice to celebrate that milestone with them. I'm grateful that Malcolm is here every step of the way. He's trying to reassure me that there is every reason to think that all is well. I really need some support through this first trimester. Why can't my healthcare professionals offer that? They must know that it's different for women who have had pregnancy losses in their first trimester. The midwife I met with was so young though. She was my age or younger. Maybe she has no clue what I might need. I guess I could tell them but I sort of feel that I don't want someone to make an effort because I ask them to. Also, I hate feeling like the "high maintenance" woman who needs a lot of hand holding (which is exactly who I am right now).

I've got the what if's. What if the baby has stopped growing? What if there's something genetically wrong with Malc and I? I hate even giving voice to these fears. I don't want to be fearful. I am willing to feel serene and calm. I figure that I have to know. That would ease my anxiety. And if I find out something negative from the ultrasound???? Then what? Not going to go there yet.

All supportive comments are welcome right now. My husband, the midwives and you are the only ones who know I'm pregnant.

2007-09-09T20:44:00.000-07:00

Well somehow I got through the first week back at school. It was a whirlwind as usual and seems to take over my life. I was pretty good about getting lots of sleep and taking the skytrain instead of driving. The 40 minute drive stresses me out.

I'm still off coffee. It's been rough going but I do notice that my moods are more even and I'm not rushing around as frantically during the day. I'm making a big effort to eat well. I feel like I'm heavier. The naseau only comes when I wake up during the night and first thing in the morning but after I snack, it's fine. I don't feel like I'm eating more than usual but I feel bloated.

I'm on and off worrying about the little bean. Is everything proceeding well? I'm going into week 8. I really am itching to have another ultrasound but Malc says that I need to leave the baby grow in peace. What if the baby isn't growing though...what if there is no longer a heartbeat? Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to ignore this pregnancy. Sometimes I feel like everything is going to turn out well. Sometimes I'm happy and sometimes I'm terrified. I think I need to get another ultrasound. I don't know. Can't make up my mind.

Must go to bed now. Goodnight.

2007-09-03T11:42:00.000-07:00

It's my last official day of summer vacation. I feel somewhat emotional. This morning I had to get up early to do a phone interview for life insurance. Malcolm is convinced that we need life insurance which I know is his way of affirming that things are going to go well for this pregnancy. But it freaks me out, in some superstitious way. It feels like it's tempting fate or something. Anyways, I had to go through all of my medical history (something I'm getting very used to at this point). I'm glad the interviewer (woman) didn't comment on anything. I didn't want to have to explain a molar pregnancy. It seemed like she had heard of it. Maybe she's a nurse?

I haven't heard anything from the midwives. I guess their philosophy is that everything is going fine unless something comes up (like bleeding or pain). I want a bit more hand-holding though. She said that they are conservative about offering ultrasounds but that they are open to it when it's about easing anxiety. Oh, it's about easing anxiety alright. I think Malc and I have decided to get the $500 prenatal screen from a private clinic. It scares the hell out of me. A part of me wants to stick my head in the sand and let it all work itself out but...there's that other part that wants the information, wants to be able to choose.

My pregnancy symptoms are very tolerable (thankfully). Sore, heavy breasts, occasional nausea, heightened sense of smell, cravings. I worry about miscarrying. I was 12 weeks in my first pregnancy before I started to bleed. I didn't have an early ultrasound that time. What would it have shown? Would I have seen a heartbeat? Would it have been low? Or was I one of the 3% that miscarries after seeing a heartbeat (or is it hearing a heartbeat?). When is it safe for me to trust that everything's okay? Most of the time I'm thinking of other things and trying not to focus on this pregnancy. Although, I do think about the time that's passing. 7 weeks 1 day. Still so early. Wish I could have certainty.

Still off coffee. It's been about 3 weeks. I'm doing okay with that. Wish I wasn't going back to full-time work but it sure does make time pass quickly. I'll need to make time for relaxing. And exercise.

2007-09-01T16:36:00.000-07:00

Not sure if I have much to talk about today. I've been feeling pretty good in the past few days. I'm glad I can start school knowing that this pregnancy is progressing well so far. There are some niggly fears that come and go. I'm trying not to give them too much attention. At the moment, I'm wondering if we ought to pay for the nuchal translucency test or not. It costs $500. It's only covered for women over 35. We're discussing whether it's even necessary but I think it would make me feel better. It feels early to be thinking about that but I would have to book it soon in order to get an appointment. They test between 11 to 14 weeks. I'm in week 7. What has everyone else done about that test?

I had this experience last week that made me really uncomfortable. I was at work and noticing this women who I thought looked pregnant. I don't know this woman very well because we haven't worked together much (it's a huge school). Anyways, the next day I found out that she had announced her pregnancy the day before to the whole staff. That was when I was at my midwife's appointment. I had the strangest reaction. I felt kind of jealous or something. I think it's because she looks so assured that it will be an uneventful pregnancy. And I hope it is. But I've feel like I've misplaced that confidence and I don't know if I'll ever be able to get it back. I've witnessed so many women at our school get pregnant and have babies without event. And then there's me. I guess that I'm feeling sorry for myself which is stupid because I am grateful to be pregnant. I am grateful that we get pregnant easily. Also, I have no idea which people are having trouble conceiving or who has had a recent loss. They may not tell anyone at work. I felt surprised by my reaction to this young woman's pregnancy. I felt somewhat ashamed of myself. Weird. And it also made me worry about announcing. I don't want to do that and I think I'll just let my belly announce. Sometimes I hate working with so many women. Mostly, I think that working with women is great. But the cluckiness about babies drives me a little batty.

Wow

2007-08-29T22:10:00.001-07:00

Had to quickly post because I'm over the moon! We saw the heartbeat!! I'm still in shock. The midwife was able to get an appointment scheduled for last night at 8pm. It didn't give me a lot of time to panic because I was so occupied all day. But I got pretty scared walking into the ultrasound office (the one where my molar was found). Actually, the midwife appointment was somewhat emotionally painful too because I had to go through all of my history - pregnancy losses and all. We were fortunate to have a really nice ultrasound technician. She was amazing and she found the little pulsing grey speck so quickly. It all felt so unreal. I'm so relieved. No molar. Heartbeat. Measuring about the time we thought it should be. It's such a gift. Now, we just need to get through to the 13 week mark. Oh, and a heartrate of 112 which she said was good for 6 weeks 2 days. I'm allowing myself some hope and happiness today. Damn the worrying. This is a good feeling to soak in.

Bean a long and tiring day

2007-08-27T20:52:00.001-07:00

Just a quick post. Thank you Anna and Alice for the comments and support. I go in for my appointment with the midwives tomorrow morning and then off to pro-d. I was looking at my calendar and realizing that I don't really know when we conceived. I'm only guessing. I've decided that I'm going to get them to book the ultrasound for as soon as possible just to make sure that there is indeed a pregnancy and it's in the right spot. I realize it may be early but I need to know at least that. I feel pregnant and I know that I don't have another molar, but I need to make sure.

I worked so hard today. I'm physically exhausted and I have to get up early tomorrow. So, off to bed. I'm still off coffee and I've found that it's evened out my energy levels (and moods) a lot. I'm trying to drink lots of water. I hope that I can keep it up. I've gone off the bean a few other times but I was never able to sustain it for very long. It's such a social drink and it's everywhere. I love the smell and the taste. As long as it's not around, I'm fine but it's when I'm tired and down that I cave. Okay, really must go to bed now. G'night.

Questions

2007-08-24T18:55:00.000-07:00

Woke up with hot flash last night. It felt like some kind of hormonal thing. Felt vaguely sick in the morning but nothing too serious. I went into work and am trying to get into the swing of things, but frankly, I don't really feel that into it. I couldn't help but have flashbacks to last summer when I was setting up my room knowing that I probably wouldn't be able to teach there. There are endless reminders somehow right now of last September's madness. I guess that shouldn't be a surprise but it makes it all more in my face because I'm pregnant again. But as I've learned, getting pregnant and having a baby are not always an easy connect the dots. Shit. I need to know what's happening in there. 5 weeks, 5 days. No bleeding. Sore breasts. Crampy. Bloated feeling. That weird hot flash thing last night. That's about it. I have to decide when to book the ultrasound. Should it be before school starts or during the first stressful week? If I knew the outcome of the ultrasound then I would easily pick before school. But what if it shows there's nothing there or an underdeveloped embryo? Then I'll be totally distracted and heartbroken for that first week that is so important. What would you do? When would you have the ultrasound?

I love my husband

2007-08-22T17:26:00.000-07:00

2007-08-22T14:43:00.000-07:00

Okay, I think I've calmed down a bit. I have an appointment with the midwives next week. After the second time I called, they said they had a cancellation and they could fit me in first thing in the morning. They can schedule me for an early ultrasound. My friends have been emailing me names of their doctors. So far, the ones I've called are not taking new patients. I broke down and cried for an hour and then went to sleep. I know that I'm getting worked up. I headed over to babyfruit and read through the beginning stages of pregnancy 5. It was comforting. I feel the need to whine and moan. Today when I was crying, I realized that I am crying partly because I don't want to go back to that stressful school. I feel so negative and emotional today. Is it the going off coffee that's making me crazy? At only 5 weeks, I can't imagine the hormones are the cause. I feel traumatized by the medical system. The thought of getting back into that system makes my skin crawl. So, thank the goddess that the midwives can see me sooner than Sept.12th, the original booking the first time I called. I suspect there may be a few more weepy days before the first ultrasound. It's all so out of my hands.

Starting to freak out

2007-08-22T09:39:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I stupidly decided to take another pregnancy test this morning, thinking that the line would darker than last time. Well, it wasn't. It was about the same. It was a sickening moment. Shouldn't my hcg be doubling? Shouldn't that make the line darker? To the internet. It seems like it may not necessarily be a bad sign. It seemed like the general consensus was to only trust beta-hcg blood tests and the early ultrasound. One site said to not even be that concerned with hcgs - that the ultrasound gave the most conclusive results. I'm only a little over 5 weeks. If this pregnancy is not going to take then I would prefer it ends sooner than later. And what's making it all worse is that I don't have a good f'ing doctor. I still don't know what to do. I know I don't want to see my gp. I'm leaning towards the midwives and they are so close. Their office is literally 100 feet away from where we live. I'm also emailing everyone I know to try and see if they can recommend a good doctor. I could go to a clinic but then I have to go back to that doctor for the results. I feel so hopeless today. I hate going into doctor's offices - it makes me feel sick. And now pregnancy is just associated with disappointments and sadness. I think today will be spent in bed underneath the covers.

2007-08-21T08:30:00.000-07:00

5 weeks 1 day. It's so early. I'm trying to have faith. Malc has been helping to remind me about that. I am so lucky to have such a excellent human being in my life. He made me something to help me to remember to have faith and I want to figure out how to post it here.

I didn't sleep well last night. I think I'm filled with some anxiety and I was tossing and turning. I kept noticing any ache or pain and wondering if my breasts were still sore. I know that worrying is not helpful so I will try to find ways to deal with it. Light exercise will help. Laughing. Writing. Visiting with friends. Crying(?).

My current symptoms are sore boobs, slightly stuffed up (not sure if that's a symptom), gas and tearfulness. Okay, I don't think I've ever seen gas and tearfulness in a sentence together (ha!). I'm so aware of how it can all come crashing down like a house of cards.

Thank you Anna from "egg, sperm and mole" for your well wishes. Head over there to congratulate Anna on her pregnancy (yay!). It's nice to have someone to bravely lead the way on this rollercoaster. Also, congrats to Alice at "babymaking blues" and Lori at "Second Chances" on their pregnancies. It's an abundant, happy time!

2007-08-20T08:23:00.000-07:00

I've been putting off blogging....just like I've been putting off other things. I've been putting off thinking about going back to work, and putting off contacting friends, and putting off taking pregnancy tests, and putting off going to the doctor.

I'm pregnant. Of course, I won't truly believe that until I have an ultrasound and see the heart beating. I have very few symptoms but that's been the same with the last two pregnancies. Even when my hcg was sky high with the molar, I wasn't sick or naseous. My breasts are sore, and I have some cramping and indigestion. Of course, it's really early right now and anything can happen. I wasn't going to write about this pregnancy until after the first ultrasound but then I thought how I want to document all my feelings and thoughts. So here it goes.

I felt really happy when I saw the two lines. I tested 6 days after I expected my period (that was this past Saturday). The line was not light but it was not as dark as the test line. I had some cramping yesterday and I know that that can be normal in early pregnancy or it can signal that you're having an early miscarriage. I wish I could know what's going on. I'm trying to send good vibes to the little speck inside. I want it to know it's wanted and loved. I am trying to calm down that part of me that insists on being doubtful.

I don't know what to do about a doctor. I don't want to go back to my doctor because I don't have a much of a connection with her. I got a referral from someone I trust, but her doctor isn't taking new patients. In fact, many doctors here are not taking new patients. The other route I can take is to walk over to the midwives office. They are really close and I went to see them during my first pregnancy. At least they could schedule me an early ultrasound. That's all I really want. I don't want to track my hcg unless they see nothing in my uterus. I also don't know when the best time would be to have an ultrasound but I'm thinking at the end of seven weeks.

I'm eating organic blueberries right now - mmmm. I'm giving up coffee. That's going to be a hard one for me but I'm committed to living healthy. I'm going to buy organic food, even though it's so damn expensive. I'm taking folic acid and have been for the past month. I'm trying to get some sunshine every day (vit D which is hard here because it's been rainy :(
I really want this pregnancy to work. I almost feel like I'm not getting too worked up because I don't want to scare it away. That sounds sad. Why can't I believe that the universe wants happy things for me?

Oh, and our trip! We had a lot of fun in the Maritimes. Malc was sick for the first week so that made it difficult but he made the best of it and I went off on my own. It was beautiful country and the people were really friendly. In some ways I wish it hadn't been so long because now I have to go back to work fairly soon but I'm sure it would have gone quickly if we were here too.

Anyone have any advice for me during this time? It's so early and I know how quickly it can go either way.

My affirmations for today:

My body is healthy and welcomes new life.
My thoughts about this pregnancy are positive and hopeful.
This healthy pregnancy is progressing very well.
I am releasing any fear that I have about being pregnant.
I trust my body and am confident that it knows what to do.

sensitive baby mentioned

2007-07-15T14:36:00.000-07:00

Blood test - hcg 0

Period - commenced day 31

T minus 3 days until we fly to Montreal. I'm feeling pretty mellow right now. I had a rough couple of days though. We went for a bbq at earthmomma's house. I love her, I love her partner, her friends and her gorgeous baby that I got to hold. I felt pretty tender (sensitive and open) the whole evening though. I kind of crashed after when we left. I felt so low and down and angry (yes, I'll admit it). Her baby is 11 weeks and beeeeauiful. And so chilled out. It was so nice to hold her. She was so tiny and perfect. I could have hung out all night with the baby. It was all the talk of pregnancy and babies with the mom and others that really got to me. I chose not to participate. It is so taken for granted how easy it is to have a baby. Can you imagine what a downer it would have been if I started talking about my pregnancies...that resulted in no babies and chemo. Course, maybe I wasn't just relaxed enough during my pregnancies. Earthmomma said how relaxed she was during the whole thing. Well, that's cause nothin went wrong, right? It's easy to be relaxed when you have experienced all that can go wrong.

I found out recently that another friend (single and 38), who so much wants to have a baby, has many fibroids and likely will not be able to get pregnant. Before finding this out, she hadn't made up her mind for sure if she was going to do the insemination. Now, the decision has sort of been made for her. She's grieving. I think she's happy that she's going to Europe soon for a few weeks.

And me, I'm trying not to start projecting too much into the future (if that's at all possible). We've agreed to go to Las Vagas for a friend's 40th birthday (even though in my mind I was trying to calculate how pregnant I might be). I want to be pregnant but I'm also scared. Trying to stay present and right now there is nothing to be afraid of. One step at a time.

So, I don't know if I'll be blogging on my trip. I'll just play it by ear.

'till then...

2007-07-13T10:12:00.000-07:00

We go on holiday soon (the 18th). Expecting my period anytime now and also the results from my latest blood test. I wanted to get the results before I go away and usually it takes about 7 days to process.

Why don't I talk about my trip in order to distract me from thinking about my upcoming cycle. We're flying into Montreal and then heading up to Quebec city. I love Quebec city and haven't been there in about 10 years. I think it will be quite romantic for Malc and I. Then we'll drive and camp around the Gaspesie. Following that we will go to Novia Scotia. We'll take the ferry to Digby, then Annapolis Royal, then Halifax and the cute towns around there. Then we'll head up to the Cabot Trail and following that we'll spend some time in PEI. I've never been to the Maritimes and I'm quite excited.

We've been so social in the past couple of weeks. It's been fun. In the past couple of days I've felt strange though. Maybe a bit depressed or something. I have this attitude of "What's the point?". I don't feel really connected to myself or confident. I feel like I'm mourning. Again. I'm hoping that through connecting to nature on our trip that I'll be able to reconnect with that faith and innocence that I once knew. I feel kind of weighted down today. I know that there's nothing to wait for, that I have everything that I need right now. Love and joy are an inner state. Wow, I sound new agey. I still struggle with looking outside of myself for fulfillment. This quest to have a healthy pregnancy and baby and all the challenges that have come from the journey has posed many lessons in impermanence. Life is change and change and more change and the more I can let go, the easier time I will have. Even after having a child, I will have to let go of how I imagined motherhood would be and how my child would be. Will it get easier? There seem to be pockets of joy here and there. I'd like to sustain that joyful feeling that I can occasionally capture.

Until next time.

2007-07-09T10:58:00.000-07:00

It's been busy again. We've done a lot of visiting. My dad was down visiting, an aunt turned 80 and had a big party, my nephew has graduated and has moved down to the city, and we had a wedding to go to. In between, I've been trying to plan our trip, go to the dentist and get my monthly blood test. I have to go up today to get my blood test. I thought I'd get it today so that I can get the results before we leave. We are thinking of trying in this next cycle. I've now sat here for 5 minutes reading and rereading that last sentence. It brings up a lot of fears. But those fears will always be there. What are my fears about? I guess one of my biggest fears is that I will have another pregnancy loss. Another fear is that the gtn will come back.

I was hoping that I'd be able to start this new pregnancy with a new doctor but the new doctor that we got a referral to is actually not accepting new patients. Crap. I was disappointed to hear that. Maybe that's a sign that I should see the midwives from the beginning. Basically I need an early ultrasound and a lot of hand-holding. Apparently, they work with a doctor to consult after a women's had a molar pregnancy. I want this pregnancy to be as non-medicalized as possible, considering that the last one was so medically managed (I know that it had to be).

Today is the first time I've had a day to myself in awhile. I have nothing to do (except go and get a blood test). I think I may go for a bike ride or maybe just a walk. It's a beautiful day out today. Out appartment is awesome in the summer. We have a beautiful patio that gets lots of light and a great view. Our appartment also stays cool because it is north-facing. I would hate to have a hot appartment.

I visited my dad yesterday at my aunt's. Whenever I see my aunt, she talks about the new babies in the family. We have a huge family. Some of my cousins have a lot of kids. It doesn't bother me too much but always have this fear that washes through me - like, will it not happen to me? We have decided to keep trying until it works. Of course I'm trying to be optimistic and focus on a positive outcome this upcoming time. Positive outcome, positive outcome. Staying relaxed. Breathing. Crying and breathing. The fact that it is just so out of my hands. And that first ultrasound. I hate that first early ultrasound. I get naseous just thinking about it. Other women have gone through what I am going through. I can draw on their strength.

Maybe I ought to start using the new beginnings forum, however I feel like it's only for when you are already pregnant. Maybe not though. I don't know. I could try and see if it helps. I know that no one else understands like these women who have been through it. I'm going to still try and capture the pregnancy ignorance bliss that I had in my first pregnancy. I know I cannot ever completely have it again but maybe I can somehow rediscover it.

I am just rambling. I can't believe it has been a year since I was last pregnant. It's gone fast. Unreal. A part of me feels like if I didn't want this so bad that it would come easily. Why is it that the things that we really want so badly often take a lot of patience to get? Do most people feel that way in some part of their life? I don't think it's the wanting it badly that makes it not happen though, is it? That would be pretty sad to think that the universe doesn't want what we want. Sometimes I think that the universe is ambivalent and impersonal about it all. Things happen and we have a choice about how we react and respond. That's where the faith comes in. If we can respond from a place of love and knowing that we will be okay no matter what, then that is the highest altitude because it can create more love instead of fear. That's what this pregnancy and baby represents to me is creating even more love in our lives.

Here are my affirmations for the day:

My body, mind and spirit is now ready to create a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby.

I release all fears concerning this new phase of trying to conceive and I willingly embrace the unknown.

I am a creative person and my body is eager to create and sustain new life.

2007-06-30T11:09:00.001-07:00

I got my nails done yesterday. It's kind of fun to have pretty hands at the moment. Usually, I never pay much attention to my nails. They are so short.

Yesterday was my last day of school and now I am officially on holidays. I'm happy but I'm also feeling depleted and a little down. I'm not quite sure what's going on. I think I feel a little disappointed with this school year. I guess that it makes sense what with all I went through. It was another challenging class this year, with children and parents with considerable needs. I guess that I am feeling tired. And a kind of under-appreciated. I know that I shouldn't expect appreciation. I think that I gave more energy this year than I got back. Somehow I didn't maintain a balance. I think it was hard for some of the new parents because they didn't get to know me very well. Many of them work and I didn't see them too often. I did call them and had a weekly newsletter but I still didn't feel too connected with them. I think that they had connected with the previous teacher at the beginning of the year. Oh well. Chalk it up to a bad year.

I need to focus on me now for the summer and getting back into balance. I want to find my niche in my work-life, actually, in life in general. I haven't felt recently that I am in the right space, if that makes any sense. Is it just about being happy wherever you are, or is it that sometimes we need to move from where we are into a new situation? Maybe I'll be able to see things in a different light when I'm more rested.

I'm off for breakie now. One of my favourite things to do on the weekend. Need to baby myself for a few days.

2007-06-26T21:55:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in awhile. It's been busy and I'm exhausted. The end of the school year has been....well, eventful. Any children with behavior problems seem to get wiggy at this time of year. I totally understand and I'm sure I'm a little wiggy as well. Only 1.5 more days of school. It can't come soon enough.

I've been fairly even keel about the ttc thing. I still get sad about my losses. Especially when I'm around very pregnant women or newborn babies. It's the pregnant women that still get to me. It's an irrational feeling...really, I think the feelings come from the instinctual part of myself. It is a not very pleasant mixture of anger, jealousy and despair. It leaves me feeling weak. I believe I should be able to overcome those feelings but that's not the way it works.

Must really go to bed. I want to write more but I've got to hit the sack before 11pm unless I want to crash and burn in 1.5 day.

Goodnight and goodluck.

2007-06-18T17:52:00.000-07:00

Well, I've finally finished writing report cards. Now life can begin again. Everything goes on hold for about 2 or so weeks. It is a ton of work. Less than two weeks left at school! I'm so done this year. I can't wait for the end. All of it takes so much energy.

As it gets nearer to the summer, I'm starting to get anxious about ttc. Surprise, surprise. We've decided to start trying at the beginning of August. In some ways that is good because we both will be nice and relaxed but in other ways, if I do get pregnant in August, then I will be in my first trimester during the busiest time of the year - September. Shit. I'll just need to cut some corners and make sure I focus on me. Rest lots. I'm trying to do some affirmations around the fear. "I'm now having a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby." That kind of stuff. "I release all of my fears related to pregnancy." I still feel scared. I need to make an appointment to this new doctor that we got a referral to. Hopefully she will be there for me. I'm going to tell her that I would like to have a lot of support during the next pregnancy because that will help me feel more calm. I hope that she is cool. If not then I am going to find a midwife who will support me through this.

Malc and I have booked our tickets and we're flying to Montreal. We've decided to skip New York for this trip because it was going to be so much more expensive. So, we'll do Montreal, Quebec city, Gaspe peninsula and then the Maritimes. I'm looking forward to it. I think I may feel a bit nostalgic because I went to university in Montreal 10 years ago. I can't believe it's been that long already. I think that I'm going to go there and think about how I thought I'd have kids by now. I wanted to start trying at about 27 but M wasn't ready. Man, that was hard. I have had a hard time letting go of that. I know that I need to but I feel sad and angry about it.

I had very strange dreams last night. I've felt kind of funny all day. Something's burbling in the subconscious. I often get vivid dreams at the end of a school year. I think that there are a lot of feelings around getting pregnant again. I want to try right away (this month) but then my summer vacation would be spent thinking/obsessing about possible problems and it would be like last summer. Last summer was awful and I felt the pregnancy was doomed from the beginning. It was so weird, I got really faint lines 2 or 3 days after my period was due. I am sad to think about how it may take longer to get pregnant. I mean, who knows? The last two times I got pregnant right away on the first try. I have no control over any of it. It's in the Universe's hands. I can do deep breathing though. Schedule some massages and spa days. I'll do that in August. I just have to keep taking one day at a time. I've made it this far.

2007-06-04T20:51:00.000-07:00

Monday. I've finished my report card work for the evening. It was okay. Malc's just sitting on the couch right now staring off into space. I wonder what he's thinking about.

I am craving time alone. It was a busy weekend with lots of socializing. I'm wanting freedom. This full-time work thing is soooo demanding!

I've been keeping up with some of the forums and was sad to see that some of the women who have recently become pregnant are now having some bad news. It's so unfair and sad. I want them all to have uneventful pregnancies. What will happen to me? I found out last week that our secretary had 4 miscarriages (3 in a row). She was pretty open about it and it came up in the context of the conversation (with someone else, not me). Sometimes I wish I was more gutsy to talk about what's happened to me but I just don't want to go there. We just never know what people have gone through though. Especially private things, like miscarriages. It's so hidden and someone who's never had one just has no idea what it's like.

I'm listening to Carolyn Myss' CD set on Archetypes. It's interesting. She certainly believes in what she is talking about.

Well, I'm going to try to get to bed early again this evening. That seemed to work for me last night and today I was in a much better frame of mind. I also managed to get some exercise after work. Hooray for me!

2007-05-27T14:52:00.000-07:00

It's almost June. It's almost summer vacation, it's almost summer vacation, it's almost summer vacation. I teach 3 grades - 1, 2 and 3. Majority boys and 5 kids with special needs. It's a Montessori program so we are always differentiating the curriculum for each learner. On the good days, it's a gong show. It's also very amazing and inspiring to share time with children ages 6 to 9.

Right now my home is filled with flowers - peonies, irises, roses. I'm in heaven. We had a birthday party last night for Malcolm. It was truly the best party I have been to in awhile. We haven't thrown a party in a very long while and it really came together. Everyone enjoyed our patio, the food and the company. It was a lot of fun!

Malc, myself and my friend went to THE POLICE last wednesday. It rocked! Another thing I haven't done in a long time - go to a rock concert. It was totally inspiring. I had no expectations and I had so much fun.

Life seems to feel a little lighter these days. Maybe it's the change in temperature and weather. I've got to start report card writing though so I better sign off.

Today, I feel like the summer will be a good time to ttc. I've decided that I won't get hcg readings though. I will just get the early ultrasound to confirm the health of the pregnancy. I don't want to stress about the hcg readings. It's not an exact science and everyone's pregnancy seems to be different. I wish I felt no trepidation about trying again but I'm terrified. If I have another loss, I know that I will keep trying but with a broken heart. I want to keep love at the centre of all of this. Parenting is such a selfless act. It's asks you to give so much of yourself at all times. I have to treat this whole process as a practice. A practice in impermanence. A practice in being present, in letting go, in love, in hope. My heart has cracked open numerous times now and each time, it's a choice about whether or not to stay open or build the shell. I want my heart to continue to soften, not harden with the experiences life presents to me.

2007-05-20T13:04:00.000-07:00

Four day long weekend here. It's great to have a break from work and catch up on sleep. I wish I was feeling a bit more "up". The weather has been grey and rainy so maybe it's because of that that I am feeling blah. I am going to go for a walk to Granville market and have one of their great lattes. I got a haircut on Friday and I am really happy with it.

Malc and I both have our passports now so we are working on booking tickets to New York for the summer. Then we're going to travel around Eastern Canada. I'm looking forward to that. Would like to ttc in the summer and haven't made up my mind completely about that. We have a recommendation to another doctor (gp) and I may ask her opinion. Maybe she could call my oncologist for a consult. He seemed to think that after 6 months would be fine but that I would need to be followed closely during pregnancy. This is assuming that I would get pregnant right away. It may take 3 or 4 months. Who knows? My last two pregnancies happened right away. I am getting so bored of debating this with myself. I wish I felt strongly one way or the other. I seem to feel equally yes and no for starting to try in July. If you were me, what would you do?

Well, I'm off for my walk. I'm sure some exercise will do me well in clearing my mind.

2007-05-14T18:01:00.000-07:00

Still in a funky mood but feeling slightly better. I had a pretty good day today and it's only a 4 day week. I'm trying to blog more regularly to give a more accurate view of my moods. Although, I think I choose to blog when I need to get things off my chest.

I'm on day 31 waiting for my period. That's nothing to panic about but I still don't like having to be concerned. Must try to relax.

Had a nice dinner (including wine and all) out on our new and improved patio this evening. Every night is Friday night now. It's starting to warm up now and we're getting a lot more sunshine. That always give a mood boost.
I haven't splurged on much self-care recently. I used to be going for massages and it was great. I suppose I ought to try and do that some more because it made a big difference and I found someone that I really like. I find that if I don't do these nice things for myself then I start to slip back towards working too much. That seems to be my default.

All of the sudden, I'm really tired. I think the carbs just hit my system and I'm having an energy slump. Time to go. I think I'll try to keep this up. It's good to write a bit even if it's nothing exciting.

Random thoughts smeared on a page

2007-05-10T19:34:00.000-07:00

Thought I'd post this even though I wrote it on Thursday:

"I really ought to blog more often. I'm feeling somewhat lonely when it comes to this whole waiting process. I feel kind of lost in the shuffle, if that makes any sense.

A teacher/friend brought her new (18 days) baby in for a visit today. It was a truly beautiful baby. Unbelieveably beautiful. Because I like the mom so much, it made it easier to hug her and her baby. I truly felt awed by seeing them both. Alongside that awed feeling was the sorrow and the anger of what's lost. Ah, it sounds melodramatic but I know that others relate to this. It's almost like these feelings bubble up from the animal instinct part of ourselves. This mom made it all look so easy too. She seemed her same ol' self and she was lovin' her babe. She's an earthmomma.

I am so done with waiting. I am f*ckin fed up with it. Can I put this any other way or write about this anymore? All my posts from November to now are "I can't stand this waiting"."

Now it's Sunday..."Mother's Day". Not the fondest of days to me, even without the crap from the past year. I'm reading a totally depressing, but gripping novel called "My Sister's Keeper" which is all about a mom going to great lengths to save her little girl whose dying from leukemia. This is the book my book club picked out. It is so good but so sad. They have another child, a "designer baby" that is able to be a bone marrow donar for her dying sister. Later in life, this teenage girl decides to sue her parents for control over her body. She feels that there will never be an end to her donar role and her sister is just living to die.

How come I just picked this book up yesterday? Coincidence? Had a good cry last night though, probably partly as a result of reading this story and all the other things happening in my life. Work has been....it feels like my school is in constant transitian and everyone is just coping and reacting. (sigh) Feeling down today. Not connecting with my own mother either.

On a positive note, I transformed our patio. Did some gardening and now it is a peaceful oasis of calm and tranquility. Just hope those pesky birds don't come back and crap all over the deck (haha). Also, bought myself some acrilyic paints. Thought this would inspire me to create.

Did I mention that I'm waiting for my period? So hormones are wacky to boot. Man, I gotta get out of this funk I'm in right now.

Poor Me

2007-05-01T20:25:00.000-07:00

My throat is so sore. I got better from my cold and now I am sick again. Poor me. I'm having a poor me day. I really should be staying home again tomorrow but my sick days were all used up before I went on short-term disability (poor me). If I want to get paid, I have to fill out 3 long forms and have my doctor fill out one and then send them off to my union (poor me). I'm tired and more tired (everyone together, "Poor me").

I kind of use this blog as a place to sob and complain, or at least that's the way it feels. I am forgetting that anyone can read it. It's become my diary. I used to write in my diary daily and I haven't done that in awhile. It would probably help me if I did. I've been feeling somewhat disconnected in a way. I need to recharge. Off to bed I go.

2007-04-15T11:35:00.000-07:00

5 more months. Sometimes I feel ridiculous posting these milestones but somehow it seems important. Five does certainly not sound as long as seven. 5 is completely tolerable. 2.5 more months of school. That's a flash. Then it's summer. It would probably be okay to start to try in the summer. From the reading I've done, it's like a 3.5% risk that it (GTN) will come back ever and then after 6 months at zero, it's half that I think. It's very bizarre that the abnormal placental cells can persist after all of that chemo. How could they go dormant and then spring up again? I just don't get it. I seem to go over this and over this in my mind. It's not like all of my Google searches are going to lead to some solid answers. The other night I discovered Google Scholar and I was trying to find articles on cases where women became pregnant before the wait time was up and the outcome. I didn't find too much. Although, I did find one article that concluded that pregnancy does not cause a GTN relapse. It seems like the first 6 months after hitting zero (after chemo) is the most likely time of relapse.

I want to write more about what's going on in my life. I'm trying to hang out with people who make me laugh. I want to enjoy the arts more. I want to paint (even though I don't know the slightest thing about it). I want to leave work earlier. I want to get more exercise. I'm enjoying the sun. I have a cold right now. My family is getting on my nerves. I could go on and on about work but I make it a policy not to. What else? I feel like I need more freedom. Who doesn't though? I'd love to pack up a VW van and just head off up north or something. Somewhere where there are not a lot of people. I'm tired of living around so many other people. I need a coffee. I seem to be tired a lot of the time.

2007-04-08T09:38:00.000-07:00

I'm looking for a new place to live (again). I'm pressing the refresh button on craiglist like it's a slot machine game. M and I went on a field trip to Deep Cove and we love it! It would take us about the same time to get from there to work as from where we are now. It seems like it would be a really peaceful little community near the water and not as congested as where we are right now.

Work is going well. I'm enjoying it. There is also only 3 months left which is hard to believe. We are planning a trip to the Maritimes for this summer - first Montreal, Quebec, Gaspe peninsula, Halifax, Cape Breton Island, PEI. I think it will be amazing. It's something I'm really looking forward to.

A woman at work gave me an email address of a friend of hers that had a molar pregnancy, chemo and miscarriages. She now had 1 child and is very pregnant with her second. I finally emailed her and she shared her story and her feelings on everything now. She said she wouldn't change anything because it would mean that she wouldn't have her first child, her little girl. I can get that. It's a positive way to look at things too.

I'm so glad I have an online community regarding this molar pregnancy experience because I don't talk about it with anyone else (besides my husband). It feels like only the women who have been through it truly understand. And if they are in the wait time, they understand how the grief and the frustration are still present, even though the molar pregnancy was months ago. That's the thing, it keeps going and going. I heard one woman call it the never-ending miscarriage, or was it the longest miscarriage (?). It does end though, thank goodness.

It's funny how everything around this time reminds me of how I was feeling after my miscarriage last year. It was something about Easter and how it's the celebration of new life/renewed life. I was feeling a major disconnect in my life around that. I sure hope that I've become more relaxed about pregnancy but who knows? I wonder if there will be a lot of anxiety around pregnancy? Duh.

A lot of the ladies I am connected with on the forum are being cleared to ttc. I'm glad to have some women go ahead of me so I can live vicariously through their experience. However, I also feel a bit left behind. I guess that makes sense. I am trying to honor my own path though, since I have to walk it. I wish my husband come appear to me from the future and tell me that it will be okay, that we have a child in the future (see "Time Traveller's Wife". )

The Body Remembers

2007-03-27T07:01:00.000-07:00

I just woke up from a horrible nightmare. In my dream, I had another miscarriage. I was so alone in the dream and then after I miscarried, I physically lost the baby. Someone had taken it. It was terrible. I'm feeling so upset right now and I have to go to work soon. My husband tried to comfort me but I still feel unsettled. I wonder if I had that dream because about this time last year I had my first miscarriage. And it was a "natural" miscarriage. I don't think I can every forget it and all the details. I wish I could. Why me? I know that it's nothing personal of course. It's just the way of things. Today I have to go to a training on child abuse and teaching children about safe touching, etc. That is the last thing I feel like doing today. I want to cocoon today and cover up with lots of blankets and watch something mindless. At least I can leave early. Okay, deep breaths. Deep breaths.

Notes from my Husband

2007-03-21T16:15:00.000-07:00

Sweetie,

I wanted to write you a note because I miss you right now. You're the best person I know and I feel like you're too nice for this world. You mean everything to me and I can't wait until we have a child together. You're the greatest.

Love,
M

Sweetie,
Our soul does not keep time, it merely records growth.
Love,
M

I love my husband. I post these two notes today to recognize my lovely Malcolm, my best friend. I am so glad that I get to share my life with you Malc.

Love,
Chantelle

Posting Anyways, Warts and All

2007-03-17T02:07:00.000-07:00

It's 2:07am. My sleep scheduled is officially f-cked up. I've been napping every day when I come home from work. I sleep from 5pm to 8 or 9pm. Uggh. Now I am wide awake.

I have emerged from report card writing and am now on Spring Break! Woohoo!

Only a 6 month more wait time to go. I can't believe the last time I wrote was a month ago. Time does seem to pass quickly and I know that it flies by from now on until the summer holidays.

I have had some weird and sad experiences in the past month. In the span of a week, I had my former principal (who was at the school when I had the first miscarriage and gave me a hug and everything) ask me how my baby was doing and my mom ask me if I "wanted this crib" she had been storing for me that she had got from someone. That was an awful week. I still haven't forgiven either of them completely, although I have moved through a lot of the pain of it. I am floored by how totally unaware people (even people who are close to you) can be. How incredibly thick and yes, I'm going to say it, stupid. I imagine I have done and said stupid things too though. I do acknowledge this.

I have kept up some self-care. I have been having regular massage. I need more exercise though. Tomorrow we are going to go for a hike and check out a neighborhood that we're thinking of moving to. I still want to move. I don't know why it is taking so long to find the right spot. I guess we are picky and have high expectations.

Work has been keeping me so busy, but it has been going well. I am thinking seriously of going to part-time next year - only 4 days a week instead of 5. I feel like I need some more time for myself. Plus, I don't want to be stressed out in this next pregnancy.

I feel sad off and on. Usually I feel balanced and content. There are a lot of big round pregnant bellies around me at school. And new babies and moms (staff) come to visit regularly. I have to be honest, I eat in my classroom on those days. Maybe that's terrible, but the whole staffroom (and there's a huge staff) goes into baby mania and I just can't deal. I'm easy on myself about that. No one notices that I'm not there and if they do, I don't care. I'm sure they get why and if they don't, I don't care. I'm not super close with a lot of the women that come back to visit. I'm genuinely happy for them but I don't feel like I need to be surrounded in talk of babies. It's a hard school to work at during this time.

Someone asked me recently if I thought I was a better, stronger person from what I had been through. I know that she wanted me to say yes and I think that I did manage some kind of positive response. But, when I really think about it, I don't think it's quite like that. I was a strong person before I went through this. I have had to go through some difficult stuff growing up and in my young adult life. I'm not sure that these pregnancy losses have made me a better person. I was pretty damn fine before. Although, maybe it's like Rocky says:

“Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward.”
- Rocky Balboa

Well I feel like I am trying to stay present in my life. Occasionally, there is some sunshine (very little where I live) and rainbows. And I've run out of things to write. This has been very stream of consciousness and I'm not sure that it makes sense but I'm hitting publish before I "save as draft" and it never sees the light of day. Good night (morning actually).

7 more months

2007-02-15T22:47:00.000-08:00

not that I'm counting or anything.

My Report Card

2007-02-14T23:24:00.000-08:00

Blogging C-
Self-care B+
Relationship A
Work-life B
Family C+
Spirituality B
Exercise C+ (walking to and from skytrain each day)
Me-time C
Friends B

I haven't been blogging for awhile (sigh). I miss it. I've been kept very busy by work. Teaching can be all-consuming.

I've been pretty well for the most part. I feel out of balance this week. There is so much happening right now. It's too busy. I feel wound up this week. Hence, I am not sleeping too well. 11:27pm. Damn. I'm going to be tired tomorrow for our Symphony field trip.

M is such a light sleeper and was complaining of my tossing and turning. Finally I got up. Happy Valentine's to me. I shouldn't complain. We had a very nice time celebrating my birthday and an early Valentine's day this past weekend. We went to Whistler and went skiing. Not sure that I'd go running back. Not really my cup of tea. We had fun though, being together.

The trip kind of made me feel depleted this week. I guess it was the drive and all the frigging around with ski equipment etc. Then we come back and the laundry needs doing and grocery shopping has to be done. Oh, woe is me. Life is so hard, I only get to go skiing on the weekend.

I got my period today. 29 days since the last one. Every period now is an event. It tells me that my hcg levels are still zero. I did have a blood test last week and I'm waiting for the results. Don't feel any stress about the waiting, thank goodness.

I find that I'm okay being around pregnant ladies now (there are two at my school). However, I don't go out of my way to ask them about their pregnancy. Not interested. Really not. I feel okay about this too. No guilt.

Have been wondering if it might do me good to go for a therapy session. Just to let any pressure out that may be building. I don't want to be ignoring my feelings. I don't think I am. I have been focussing on self-care quite a bit these days - yoga, massage, honor the goddess days. I'm taking the skytrain everyday now and it makes a huge difference to my stress levels. HUGE. I can't believe what a difference it is making to my life.

Working full-time does not leave enough time for me-time. I'm really feeling that right now. I think that's why I can't fall asleep tonight because I'm just craving alone time and reflection time. I know that I'll be dragging my ass tomorrow though. How ladylike am I? Not very. I must say I have quite the potty mouth.

What else can I say? I'm not in misery. I'm happy most days. I love my class, although there are some challenging kids. I continue to learn and get better. Report cards are coming up soon and then it will be spring break already. After that, time flies until the end of the school year and then it's summer. I'm trying not to get ahead of myself but I will be glad when this wait -time is finished. It's awful to feel like something is imposed on you.

I'm out of things to say. And I'm still not tired. Off to steam some milk and lie down.

Happy Love Day everyone.

2007-01-27T09:00:00.000-08:00

People say stupid things. I wish everyone would talk less and listen more. Especially when they have no idea of what to say.

I was talking to a new staff member at our school and I let her know that I was still getting to know a student because I started back in January. She assumed that I was "filling in" for the previous teacher. I said no I had been on leave and she said, "Oh, maternity leave?" with big smiles. Ah, NO!! I was very polite and with a forced smile said "no, medical leave" and left out the "just shut up" part that I was itching to add. Really, I should have let it rip and opened her eyes to the wacky things that can go wrong with pregnancy but that few people talk about - like getting a precancerous condition from a pregnancy. That would have blown her mind. Poor thing. She would have likely just felt pity and "oh, that poor woman" and I just couldn't go there. People do that because they don't want to feel like it could happen to them too. They want to believe that tragedy only strikes those who are unlucky. But every tragedy effects everyone and eventually everyone has a tragedy. I remember hearing from this one woman who had a molar pregnancy a long time ago and the women that she worked with treated her like she was contaminated.

I had another experience this week though that affirmed to me that women need to talk more about their pregnancy losses. A parent of one of my students shared with me how she had had multiple miscarriages before her son was born and multiple miscarriages after when her and her husband were trying to have more children. I'm not sure if she had heard of my experience somehow through the grapevine. She shared it easily as if we were having a conversation about the weather. It came up as we were talking about how her and her husband met. Her son was present and piped up "Mommy, what's a miscarriage?" and the way she explained it was that the baby "went away" and was no longer in mommy's tummy. That seemed to satisfy him and he didn't have any further questions but I wonder what he really thought about that. This mom is Thai and Buddhist and I wonder how pregnancy losses are viewed in the Thai culture.

That had an impact on me all day, how she felt so at ease (it seemed) talking about her personal tragedy. It can help others when we share our experiences, both positive and tragic. I'm so happy that they have a son who happens to be really bright and inquisitive.

It's beautiful and sunny here today. When I first got up, the fog was slowly lifting and it was so magical. I feel a bit sad today. I know there is no answer for why I had to go through this. It's how I am throughout this experience that counts. I want to be authentic and open to feeling my feelings. Perhaps, slowly, I will begin to talk and be more open about what I've gone and am going through.

A year minus a day

2007-01-23T20:18:00.000-08:00

That's how long ago I had my last massage. That's also when I was first pregnant and didn't yet know it except for that irrational connection I made with a new life inside of me during my massage. I remember lying there as the shiatsu massage therapist manipulated my limbs and I thought, "I'm pregnant" and a few days later I confirmed it. I was so sad tonight to realize it was exactly a year ago. What bad luck I've had. I'm trying to count my blessings but I couldn't believe the coincidence. I don't think I can wait the full year. My body is screaming about wasting time and get on with in already!! Fuck, fuck, fuck! Sorry, I don't usually cuss but that sums up how I'm feeling. I AM SICK OF WAITING! Where is the patience? Gone and out the window.
So mad and upset tonight.

Self care

2007-01-21T11:14:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it's already the end of January. Soon it will only be a 7 month wait left. That's closer to 6 months and that doesn't sound too bad. I may even consider trying after 10 months but likely not. Last time we rushed to get pregnant after the first miscarriage and look how that turned out. Having a baby is a big enough risk without worrying about having GTN coming back while pregnant.

I joined yoga last week. Another teacher organized this and it's really inexpensive and held at school, right after school. It was great! I wasn't going to join at first because I wondered if the pregnant staff might be there and there would always be references to how to modify the pose if you are pregnant. I just don't think I could handle that. But, I decided that I'd try and if it bothered me, I wouldn't go. Well, it turns out that there are not pregnant women there so I was able to relax.

This week I have a shiatsu massage booked at the student clinic. Also, I'm having dinner with friends on Wednesday and I'm going to a play on Saturday. So, I'm trying to build in self-care into my weeks. I'm still not getting enough exercise but I did take transit last week twice and it made a huge difference to my stress levels. M drops me off and picks me up at the skytrain station. It makes it so much easier and I'm happy to have tried it.

Life is good. I feel like I am doing okay. I still "pine" for a baby when I see other babies and moms. I try to affirm that that will be me one day. I will treasure my little baby and if I ever feel like I'm taking him or her for granted, I would look back and read this blog and remember all I went through.

Time seems to move along really quickly so I know that we will be trying to conceive again sooner than it feels like right now. I feel like parts of me are softer (figuratively speaking) now than before. My heart has opened and I'm more committed to nuturing and mothering myself.

Currently, I'm planning my birthday weekend. It will consist of skiing at Whistler, hot tubs, good food and wine. I am all about enjoying life right now. A little hedonism goes a long way for someone like me that usually tends to dwell and suffer. No more!

This is the post I wrote last week

2007-01-16T18:12:00.000-08:00

...but I didn't publish it because I couldn't think of how to end it:

I'm in the land of full-time work and I'm trying hard not to be consumed.

My first week back went well. We had some snowstorms and so I had really small groups of students many of the days. The staff were good and no one brought up anything about my time off (as I requested). I'm comfortable with that even though it means that sometimes I feel like it's forgotten about. In some ways, that's just fine. When I feel like talking about it with certain people I will, but there's not a lot of people with whom I would want to discuss that time.

I've been leaving at a decent hour every day and that is helping my outlook and health. I need to try and get more exercise. Also, I'm reducing the amount of caffeine I'm consuming. That's been hard and I felt pretty grumpy today.

I took time on Sunday to journal about anything that might come up around greiving. The thing that I wrote about the most concerned work and keeping in balance. I'm really making a conscious effort not to get too wrapped up in everything, including politics. I'm noticing when my body feels tense or stressed and I'm trying to stop and figure out why. I've also decided to start taking transit some days instead of driving the 35 to 40 minutes. That has made a big difference actually. I find the driving adds a lot of stress.

I'm still pondering the wait time of 6 months or 12 months. I received a really nice email from a woman who had a twin pregnancy with a healthy baby and a mole. I think this would be a particularly painful loss because you lose the healthy baby and usually, your health is extrememly compromised. Her email was very encouraging though and she now has a 10 month old baby. I hope that her comment has posted in the comment section below because even though I "approved" it to be posted, the last time I noticed it hadn't. Anyways, thank you for your note. It means a lot to me when people delurk and comment.

I am feeling like I have to do something nice for myself soon. I haven't had some nurturing and I can tell that I need it. Also, I'm feeling low energy because I got my period (yay, it's regular!).

Last Saturday I started monthly testing. Thank Goodness for that. Now I go for a blood test on the 15th of every month.

Morning of Mourning

2007-01-07T10:06:00.000-08:00

So Sunday mornings are my set aside time to grieve. I did a bit of journaling this morning and allowed myself to feel all the "poor me" thoughts that I often try to hastily suppress when they come up.

A friend and I have scheduled a "Honour the Goddess" day for each month. It's our intention to make a habit out of nurturing ourselves. Yesterday was our first HtG day. We went to a spa and I got a pedicure while she got a manicure. It was very nice. It was my first time having a pedicure. I didn't know how I'd feel about it but I enjoyed it and my feet do look and feel a lot better. Other ideas that we have are to go for a steam or sauna, facials and reflexology and shiatsu massage. If you have any other ideas for Honour the Goddess days, please leave a comment by clicking on comments at the bottom of this post.

My grief seems to be less intense these days. It sneaks up on me these days. Like at the spa. There was a pregnant employee and the thought that immediately popped into my mind was, "Oh God, not me, not me. Let her work on my friend's hands but don't be so cruel as to send her to me." How ironic really. I'm going to the spa (for the first time I might add) to nuture myself and recover from the 2 pregnancy losses I've had and who do I get as an esthetician? The pregnant one. The universe has a good sense of humour. But actually, thankfully, she was not the one who helped us out. This is my day of mourning so I am not going to apologize for that thought. I know I could have "handled" the whole situation just fine but I didn't want to. Not on the day that I'm being totally selfish.

I tried to do a bit of art therapy this morning. Basically, it consists of writing down your intention (like, "My intention is to discover more about how I'm feeling and what's under the surface) and then closing your eyes and relaxing or meditating. Then, you shift your attention to your body and notice any areas of tension or pain or other physical symptoms. You gently let any images arise. Sometimes they do and other times they don't. Then you put the images down on paper or you select a colour and just start to put down colour or do a scribble drawing and look for images in the scribble drawing. I have very little drawing ability and my drawings often look like they are drawn by a five-year-old. This has provided a chance for me to come to understand my inner critic (who is loud and very mean). After creating the image, you journal about the experience of creating it and what it brought up. Some good books that describe this kind of journaling are: "The Creative Journal" by Lucia Capacchione and "Visual Journaling" by Ganim and Fox.

I've been having a lot of vivid dreams these days. Last night it was like I was viewing a movie and I was one of the characters in the movie. I was being chased by these people who were demons. These people were my highschool classmates (ha!). I was looking for help and found some protection with this one guy but then I realized that he was on their side. Paranoia. All of this took place in Prague and I was running around trying not to encounter these demons. There was more to it but it's so confusing that I don't really think I can explain it. I think that this is perhaps about some anxiety that's coming up because of returning to work after 4 months off. I think it's also related to trying to escape the grief or fear of grief. Check out this post to see some great motherly advice about trying to avoid grief.

Sometimes, I feel so bone dead tired of the grief. When I say "grief", I am labeling those feelings that come up like: "What if I'm never blessed with a child" or "Look at that sweet pregnant belly" or "I'm suppose to have a baby right now!" or "The only reason I can ski right now is because I don't have a baby" or "Maybe this time next year I will be pregnant again" or "When should we try again?". Those sorts of things. The feeling of 'lack' in my life. I know that my grief is a lot deeper than about what's happened to me in the last year. I grieve for my brother who died and my parents divorcing and even for the grief of my parents (they both each lost a parent at a very young age). I guess it is part of the human experience. The Buddhists would say that we need to make friends with impermanence because it's all that we can count on. Everything changes.

2007-01-05T14:49:00.000-08:00

A wonderful woman sent me this link :http://www.yourhealthpress.com/book_gtn.html to a site that has a radio program about molar pregnancies, Gestational Trophoblastic Neoplasia (GTN) and choriocarcinoma (metastasizing cells). There is also a BOOK being published on molar pregnancies and it is advertised at the site above. It is also going to be available through amazon.com soon.

Check it out and let me know what you think.

Double O Seven

2007-01-01T16:55:00.000-08:00

2007. Goodbye 2006 filled with stress and sadness and trauma. Hello new beginnings.

I have a hangover today and I'm ashamed to admit it. I haven't had a hangover in so long that I had forgotten exactly how it felt. And yes, I realize now that the day after my chemo did feel exactly like a hangover. Ugh.

I went to a party. I am mystified that I actually agreed to go to a party. Hence, the consumption of toxic liquids to dull my sensitive nature. I hadn't seen any of these people since Before Chemo (BC). It wasn't mentioned (thankfully) except by two people who I hardly know. That was surreal, especially because the one woman (Japanese) is learning English and I know that she wanted to say something sympathetic and encouraging but she didn't know how to put it and then she seemed really embarrassed and apologetic. It was still nice though.

I was glad not to talk about "it" or think about "it" for a night. It's weird, I've felt a bit like I have an invisible cojoined twin called "my loss" or "my grief" that comes along with me wherever I go. I almost want to introduce it sometimes because it takes up space in the room. I don't want this but there you have it. I am willing to let it go. I am willing to let the grief go.

I'm proud of myself for having gone last night. I was strong and courageous to go when I really didn't want to go. I would have preferred to see my husband's friend and his girlfriend at a smaller gathering and not one seeped in so much significance. A part of me thinks that they don't really want to have to talk about what I've gone through so it's simpler to invite me to a large gathering where they don't have to talk to me too much. Or, maybe they think it's kinder just not to remind me of my pain and what I've gone through. Give me a chance to forget about it for awhile. I think there's some truth to both of those ideas. I think what I've gone through scares them, maybe even repulses them. Perhaps that word is too strong. Well, it scared me too so why should it be any different for them?

My foggy brain needs a rest now. I'm off to start New Year's resolution #1 which is to spell-check my posts. Over and out.

Our Room with a View

2006-12-27T20:37:00.000-08:00

Hawaii was balm for the spirit. What a beautiful place! I couldn't get over how it smells so good there. It is exactly the vacation we needed. Days went something like this: wake up with the sunrise, coffee, snorkelling, sun worship, mid day pina colada, read, lunch, more beach time, snooze, read, walk on the beach, make and have dinner, sip wine, talk, read, watch a movie. It was fabulous!

In general, I felt so good and enjoyed myself so much that I didn't think about all the "stuff" that usually seems to occupy my mind. I talked to my therapist today and she suggested setting aside a designated time each week to process/honor the "stuff". I could journal or talk about it or draw or whatever I need to do to recognize my grief. That way when I start to find myself dwelling on things then I can either stay with it at that time (if appropriate) or remind myself that I have a designated time when I can process it. It's to try to avoid being obessive. I think that's a good idea.

It was a good session. I reflected on how it is a fine line between obessing on the loss and honoring the grief. I think it was great how she added; "And only you can know when you're straying too much to one side or the other". We also talked about anxiety and how it is related to a feeling of loss of control and incertainty. She suggested that I try to uncover what I can be in control of and focus on that while letting go of what I can't control. If it were only that simple! It also came up that ultimately the choice about when to try and conceive again is mine. I have a bunch of information and I may feel more empowered by realizing and 'owning' that it is my decision (along with my husband's of course). At the same time, I can feel angry about all of this. That's part of the grief. I think I have been confused and I have been angry at myself for being conservative and choosing the 12 month wait versus the 6 month wait. What I realized was that the anger is an expression of the grief and whether I wait 6 months or 12 months is not truly the issue. It's not a huge difference in time really. Although it feels like it right now. It feels like it's prolonging the pain.

That's it for now. Will post more soon. I just had a thought. I might use this blog during my time set aside for honoring my grief. That way I won't really use this as a everyday journal. Instead, I will use it weekly as part of a time to really focus on/honor my grief. That seems to feel right at the moment.

Going on Vacation

2006-12-14T14:09:00.000-08:00

I thought I'd write a quick post before we leave tomorrow. I won't be blogging while away and I'd going to notice what it's like to take a break from using the computer, reading forums and blogs and blogging. Perhaps these activities make me dwell more on my loss. I'm not sure.

I'm getting geared up for returning to work in the New Year. I'm actually looking forward to it. It's a chance for me to get creative again and feel purposeful even though I keep telling myself that being purposeful is doing whatever is in front of me. I consider it quite a privilege to work with young children. Even though they can drive me batty some days, they keep me young at heart and always seeing the world from a new perspective.

On a whole different topic, I've been looking a bit into EMDR. I think it's something that I may ask my therapist about to see if she can recommend someone who does it. It sounds really unusual but there seems to be a bunch of research backing up it's effectiveness for treating anxiety.

And as promised, my New Year collage which is still a work in process. Themes that I see are relaxation and nurturing activities, fun, laughter, pregnancy, babies and children, travel, dreaming, outdoor activity, adventure, relationships (new and old) and love.

Can't Sleep Again

2006-12-12T00:14:00.000-08:00

Second night in a row. I think it's from the caffeine in that nice pot of tea I had today at the Art Gallery. What a great cafe they have there. The food is good, you can order beer or wine, the deserts are heavenly and the people are interesting to look at and listen to.

Did I mention how I hate not being able to sleep? Because usually I am such a good sleeper. My brother says he's a "good eater" and usually I'm a "good sleeper". I can sleep for 12 hours no problem. I absolutely hate lying in bed at night and trying to get to sleep. It's just not like that for me. I read from my book then I feel sleepy, turn out the light and go to sleep. That simple.

So as I was lying in bed tonight this thought was bugging me. I came across something that said that when we are fearful of something, it is more likely to manifest that fear. And I wonder: Is that really true? Because we all know that shit happens. All the time to all kinds of people, who are not fearing something shitty is going to happen to them. But if you are fearful of something and it continues to haunt you, does that really make it more likely to happen? I don't think that's true.

The reason I don't think that's true is because I don't think my worry about my second pregnancy caused me to have a molar pregnancy. The genetics were not in the egg. Period. It was bad luck. I think this is bothering me because at one point I think I believed that our thoughts create our reality. You know, the New Age patter. I think that it's a lot more complicated that that. I mean, there's what's happening and then there's our thoughts about what's happening. And I don't think it's that easy either. What do I know?

Not to say that I want to be fearful of things. I don't. I don't want to worry because I know it doesn't do any good. Well, at least most of me knows. There is still this small part that believes that the worry will keep the bad things from ever happening. A hopeless thought. I do want to focus on positive images instead of dwelling on scary "possibilities".

I've come to believe now that everytime I have a worry about the future, it is equivalent to a little meditation bell going off so that I can pull myself back to the present moment. This is one of my "great" lessons from this experience. It is a chance to practice being where I am in the moment. When I realize that I'm just sitting or standing or lying down, whenever I just ground myself in the here in and now, I feel more peaceful. Of course, it's easy for me to say that during these days when I have little to no demands on me. How will it be when life speeds up considerably in the New Year when I go back to work? The way I see it, it doesn't matter. If I'm feeling bad it's because I'm spinning off in my mind or maybe I just need a good cry or a hug or some exercise or more sleep.

I continue to wonder whether I'll keep blogging. I mean, I have my journals. I guess that I have enjoyed reading about other women's trials to have a baby. And there's this (big) part of me that wants this blog at some point to become about my new pregnancy and the birth of my first child. If it could help even one person who has a molar pregnancy and goes through the wait time, then this blog will be worth it.

I had a wise friend recently who said: "Yeah, your eyes have been opened by the things you have experienced and now, no matter where you are or who you are with, you will be those open eyes." And it took me a little while for that to sink in. In other words, I can have a deeper understanding of some things than I did before and bring that awareness to my relationships with others. It might be with a group where I am the only one with that understanding. The understanding that comes from living it. We are so interconnected and the internet really demonstrates it.

Settled

2006-12-09T17:13:00.000-08:00

I'm getting excited about our trip to Hawaii which is coming up very soon. It'll be nice to be in a totally different, sunny location. I think that being in a different environment will help me to have some new perspectives on my life.

I've been feeling pretty good and taking things as they come. Life is quite simple right now without work. I pretty much do what I want which feels selfish but well-deserved. I go back to work in January so I know that things will change. I do however what to remember and take time to pamper myself, get enough exercise, going skiing again.

I've gotten really excited about downhill skiing in the last couple of days. I was given a pair of (used) skis and boots so I'm excited to try them out. We have a couple of local mountains which we could head up to on the weekend. It would do me good to have a fun hobby like that. I seem to do just fine when I don't spin off into the future. When I start thinking about the 9 month wait time, my thoughts become like a broken record. This is a huge exercise in patience.

Time has passed so quickly already. It is amazing how quickly the months pass.

Pregnancy loss in House and Vogue

2006-12-06T18:05:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was the first time back to visit my class. I work at a big school with tons of staff. It was overwhelming to see staff, students and parents after everything I've been through in the past few months. It was emotional overload.

Today I read a great article in the new issue of Vogue. It was written by a man and he describes the (often lonely) journey that his wife and him took to have a baby. They had had several miscarriages before having their son. It was a beautiful article. You could feel the love he has for his wife and son. I definitely recommend that read.

Also, the episode of "House" last week showed Cuddy (not sure of spelling) crying in the lounge. House had told her that it was a good thing that she had not gotten pregnant because she'd make a terrible mother. Well, it turns out that she had had insemination 3 times. Two didn't take and one she lost. I was so glad that a popular show like House is giving voice to the issues of insemination and pregnancy loss. That show is breaking the silence about a number of things that people rarely talk about.

2006-12-05T22:41:00.000-08:00

I am a mess right now. Inside me is a swirling pool of dark emotions. How do I honor this pain without becoming it?

Finally the tears are coming and I feel some release.

God I admire those who can find humour and laughter in tragic experiences. Or those who can write great songs or poetry in their pain.

Going to bed now. Blessed sleep.

Two Month Anniversary

2006-12-04T12:22:00.000-08:00

Just got back from my blood test. It only took 45 minutes. Grrrrr.

On the bright side, today marks two months at zero. Only 10 months to go. Actually, 9 months because my last draw is Sept.14. I suppose that's because I was zero for the full month of October. Cool. So 9 months to go.

Is this all I can talk about? It seems like this is the place that I just let all of this out. I'm not funny, I'm not witty, in fact I feel like I'm repeating myself all the time. Shit.

Okay, what else is new with me? I'm going in to visit my class tomorrow. I haven't seen these 6 to 9 year olds for 5 months. It will be fun. I know that they can be super honest though so I'm trying to prepare for the questions that may come..."Ms. B..., are you going to die?" Then there's all the staff (60+), a bunch of whom I haven't met. "Hi, yes, I'm the one that was away having chemotherapy as a result of a pregnancy." Shit. Then there's the very pregnant staff members and the quite pregnant staff members and I'll want to say congratulations because I haven't had a chance to congratulate them. Oh my oh my. It's not like I can do it in small doses. Get it all over with at once. Right off! as Jerry Seinfeld would say. At least then I can come back in the New Year and not have to face all of that.

Has this turned into a rant?

At least we have Hawaii to look forward to. Quite frankly, I don't care about Christmas or New Years this year. In fact, I haven't gotten excited by any celebrations - birthdays, Thanksgiving, Halloween.

I've run out of complaining for the moment. That's it. What a boring post.

Looking Back

2006-12-01T11:21:00.000-08:00

I can't believe that it is a new month again! Last december we hadn't been ttc yet. I was finishing up my first, full-time term of teaching. 2006 has been quite a year. Pregnant in February, miscarried in March, pregnant again in June, molar pregnancy diagnosed in July, chemo started at the end of August.

I started this blog as a way to process all of these experiences, to integrate them into my life. Much of the time, I feel like all of this has happened to someone else. Isn't it interesting how we form our stories of ourselves? I guess in some ways, these things did not happen to me but happened to the me of the past. It has left my mind reeling. The me of the past went through all of these things quite courageously, I must say. Why is the me of the present so obsessed about reliving it all?

Another reason that I started this blog was to share my experiences and create community. I've met a lot of women who have had a molar pregnancy through mymolarpregnancy.com. That has made a huge difference to be able to speak to women who have and are going through this. Also, two women emailed me after reading my blog to share their own experiences. This meant a lot. Since writing this blog, I have found hundreds of other blogs by women who are trying to conceive. I realize that I am not alone on this path.

Soon I will be back to work. I wonder how things will change. Will the feelings of loss intensify or diminish? I imagine I will continue to ride the wave as I have been doing.

A Whole New Name

2006-11-30T09:58:00.000-08:00

In the spirit of change, I have decided to change my blog's name to affirm what I want in life (and in my ovaries). Not that I'm a huge pusher of positive thinking but I do think that there is some truth in affirming the good.

I've been reading a book called "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie. The process that she has written about is quite simple. Four questions that have you inquire into your thoughts and beliefs. You're suppose to inquire into something that is bothering you. So I tried it out and I thought that I would share.

Thought: I am worried that I could have another miscarriage/pregnancy loss.

Question 1: Is it true?
Yes I am worried and yes, I could have another pregnancy loss.

Question 2: Can you absolutely know that that's true (that the miscarriage will happen)?
No

Q3: How do you react when you think that thought?
I feel hopeless, like I want to give up. I feel like I'll never be able to have a baby. I get tense and stressed. I feel depressed. I feel resentful of other women who have babies without any problems. I get annoyed at my friends for telling me that "stress caused this to happen". I keep picturing my previous (natural) miscarriage and all the blood, fear, loss and grief. I relive that piece of my myself dying. I relive that nightmare

Q4: Who would you be without the thought "I could have another miscarriage."?
Peaceful. I could be happy now and in my next pregnancy. I wouldn't be so tense and stressed out. I could enjoy myself - now and in my next pregnancy.

Turn-around: I am worried about my thinking that I could have another pregnancy loss.

.............................................................................

I tried this process with things that were bothering me about my mom and I had some big insights. When I tried it with this thought (above) I didn't have the same light-bulbs going off. I get that I'm worried about something that may not happen and I see the pain that it causes me, however I don't feel the catharsis that I experienced when I did the process regarding my thoughts about my mom.

Katie says that the there is no need to drop the thought but it will drop you after you go through this process. She says that sometimes it is subtle. I keep doing it with different thoughts that come up regarding my fear, anger, disappointment, jealousy.

Her blog has a bunch of videos showing her doing "the work" with a number of different people. My favourite one is when she is facilitating the process with a man in prison.

Recently, I've been really bothered about the wait time. It really brings me down when I think about waiting for another 10 months. That seems like such a long time. That's enough time to grow a baby and deliver it. My oh my.

Measuring in

2006-11-28T11:44:00.000-08:00

- 10 months 7 days before we can try again
- 1 month, 21 days beta hcg's at zero
- 2 weeks, 4 days until my husband and I go to Hawaii
- 1 month, 9 days until I start work again

When I look at those numbers, it makes me feel like I'm living in the past or the future. Who am I right now?

Actually, I feel really content right at this moment. When I don't think about the past or the future, I feel really happy. I can sit here, drink my tea and write. It's terrific!

When I think about the past, I feel sad and resentful. I think "Why me?". I feel like someone has been taken away from me and I will forever feel that "ghost limb"...that part of me that has been taken away. I feel like that energy, that potential was wasted. What was the point? What was the point of all of those changes in my body when that life was not meant to be on this plane.

When I think of the future I feel anxious but also hopeful. I worry about the blood tests and whether the GTN will come back. I worry about if we should try to conceive after 6 months, instead of 12. I worry about whether it will be more difficult to get pregnant now after I've had a d&c. Will I ever have a successful pregnancy, a healthy baby, an easy birth? It's never-ending.

So, for right now, I'm going to stay in right now because it is so simple and easy. I can look out at the snowy winterland outside and I'm warm, I'm comfortable, well fed, with no pain. All is well.

Email from Hodges

2006-11-17T23:09:00.000-08:00

So I emailed the cemetary manager that I wrote about in the previous post. This is what I said:

Hello,

I read about the infant memorial garden in the Vancouver Courier and I was very moved. What a wonderful gift you have given to so many people.

The article made me think. Why do we not have any memorials to commemorate the loss of miscarried babies? I know that in Japan they have Jizo statues that are thought to watch over the mizuko, or souls of stillborn, aborted and miscarried babies. The West doesn’t really have any recognized ceremony or tradition to honor these lost ones. I’m sure that many women who have miscarried would appreciate having a space at the cemetery devoted to ‘mizuko’. I know that I would.

Has there been any thought given to this idea? I’m not sure what form it would take. Perhaps the dry river bed memorial could be extended for a section for people to commemorate their miscarried babies. Or something else nearby? A fountain?

Thank you for taking the time to consider this request.

Sincerely,

Chantelle
......................................................
And this is what he replied on a Friday afternoon, soon after I emailed him:

Thank you for the email. There are a number of other infant projects that we are considering. Our first task was to provide an opportunity for the thousands of infants buried here to be commemorated. It has taken us many decades to address this situation. I do not have a date or time frame for the type of memorial you suggest but I would like to do something like that. It will not take decades to complete but it may take a few years. We still have two more existing infant areas to address.

I will add your email address to our notification list and when such a place is developed we will try to contact you.
...........................................................

I am so inspired by this man.

Little Loved Ones they Lost

2006-11-16T21:01:00.000-08:00

I sat down at my usual spot at Granville market, with my favourite latte (they make a beautiful design out of the coffee and the foamed milk) and a crepe (a spur-of-the-moment splurge). I was preparing to settle in for an hour or so of writing and reading and sipping and savouring. Then I noticed the headline of the Vancouver courier left on my table: "A grief delayed". Intrigued, I began to read and I'm glad I did.

The article described how the local cemetery has established a memorial garden that commemorates all the babies that died between 1914 and 1971. These babies were buried in mass graves and their short lives were not celebrated or mourned with a funeral or a headstone. The article describes how "in those days" the pain of infant deaths and stillborns was swept under the carpet (sound familiar?) and the parents and families were counseled to stay strong and put it behind them.

The cemetery manager, Glen Hodges, who planned the memorial garden at Mountain View cemetery became interested in planning this memorial garden after he found out about these mass graves. It became even more of a priority after his wife had a miscarriage. He said "We were devastated. I don't know if it compares to losing a child after birth, but it was really difficult to deal with."

Now, as a result of this project that Hodges has organized parents, many of whom are now grandparents, can find out if their baby that passed away many years ago is buried at Mountain View. They can purchase a stone that can be engraved with their little loved one's name. Their grief can now be recognized in a more "official" way by society.

This was the first time that I had read any human interest story about miscarriage and infant loss in the local media (except for Pamela Andersen's recent miscarriage). It was so thoughtfully written and such a beautiful story. I only wish that this manager had thought of a way to include babies lost to miscarriage because unfortunately, this absence continues to maintain the status quo that miscarriages are to be grieved about in private (and in silence).

In Japan, women or families place Jizo statues in the cemetery. I would consider doing something like that for many reasons. One of the reasons would to be see how many others have been through this tragedy and to feel connected and not alone. Also, there may be others there grieving for their loss outwardly.

Perhaps I will write something on a small stone to commemorate my miscarriage and I'll place it among the other stones that are there, in the dry river bed memorial at Mountain View. Would that be disrespectful to the babies buried there? Hodges planned it so that there was one stone for each child that is buried. I would be changing the integrity of the memorial. I'll have to think on that. It may not be appropriate.

Number of times stuck by a Needle Hall of Fame

2006-11-14T23:22:00.000-08:00

29 times in the past 4 months. It could be more than that and I've just blocked it out.

The guy taking my blood today asked me if this was my first time having a needle. Hah! Little does he know. First time I've had a needle from you honey.

I never used to watch the needle go in but now I do. Now, it has become like a test of courage. It's not the needles I hate anymore but the wait time to get the bloody thing. I waited an hour today to have blood drawn. What a bunch of crap. Teach me how to take the blood and then I could just deliver it! Talk about the banking model for health care. I would like it if a nurse at my family doctor's office took my blood. Then I could say hi to my doctor and get to know the nurse. The people at this lab never remember me.

I need to find some way to make these blood tests fun. I need to associate it with some kind of treat afterwards or during the waiting. Perhaps next time I will treat myself to a yummy, fattening froo-froo coffee and I will bring a long my mp3 player and listen to some loud rock. Or, I could figure out how to text people on my cell phone and do that while I'm waiting. Or, I could write notes and pass them to people sitting there waiting. Then, after the blood test I get to buy myself one piece of clothing or have dinner out or something. It's all about the rewards.

Faith, Forgiveness and Sleepless Nights

2006-11-13T00:35:00.000-08:00

I can't sleep again. Some nights it just hits me and if I lie in bed it just seems to intensify the insomnia. Insomnia is very distressing to me. I've always been a good sleeper. And when I don't get enough sleep I get really messed up and usually sick with a cold.

Lying in bed I was telling M about how I feel that the Universe doesn't really care about me and my life. I liked what he had to say in response. He said that he thinks that the Universe (aka God) is so big and complex that it is not totally possible for us to comprehend. But there does seem to be a tendency towards harmony. He used the analogy of cells in our body, saying that we don't worry about or pay attention to each individual cell in our body but we do want them all to be healthy. The organizing force in the universe does care about the health of its individual parts.

I guess I don't need to take the events of the past few months personally. That sounds totally ridiculous because how could I not help but take all of the events in the last few months personally? But there is something to that. I think. I am scatching my foggy insomniac brain.

I do feel like I need to make peace with God. I've usually felt quite connected with that loving creative force. But since these two great losses, I feel somewhat forgotten or betrayed. And it's not that I haven't had tragedy in my life before. My parents divorced when I was young, my brother died a few years ago, I've lost a number of relatives who I was close with. Throughout all of that I did not feel like what I do now. Now, I understand that bad things happen to good people and we don't have a lot of control about what happens to us. We do have control about how we will respond to any given situation.

I also think that the universe does have intelligence and consciousness, but it is also a random system. I'm not sure any(big)ONE decides what will happen to who and when and how. Things happen.

I still believe that everything is connected and life is essentially good. I guess that's what I have faith in...that life is essentially good even with all of the loss and heartache.

My Mother's Miscarriage

2006-11-10T11:41:00.000-08:00

I've known about my mom's miscarriage for a long time. I can't remember when or who first told me about it. I don't remember being too upset about it but that's probably because whoever told me wasn't that upset.

When I had my first miscarriage, I asked my mom a few questions about hers. She's a Brit at heart (her grandmother was from England) so she favours the stiff upper lip and all that. She rarely, if ever, gets teary or emotional and I feel her discomfort when I cry.

I couldn't get many details from her. She said that she had had her miscarriage at school and a coworker took her to the hospital. She couldn't remember how pregnant she had been. They did a d&c as she was "hemorraging" (my mom often uses this term...like she says that she hemorraged after I was born and she often hemorraged with her periods). My uncle came to pick her up and take her home. When I asked her why my uncle, she said that my Dad and her had had a fight the night before. She blames the miscarriage on the stress from the fight .

My Mom doesn't exactly seem particularly upset when she talks about her miscarriage. Mind you, I guess it was over 30 years ago. I wanted to know how long it was before she conceived me but she doesn't remember. She did say that the memory of the miscarriage faded when she had me.

Why isn't her re-telling of this story enough for me? I want more details, more emotion. Was she sad? Did she have anyone to talk to? Did she think twice about trying to get prenant again (she had already had 3 children)? She makes it all sound so matter-of-fact and not really a big event in her life. She has had a bunch of difficult experiences in her life. I suppose she has a way of dealing with painful things privately. Or, maybe she hides her feelings away.

Have any of you had your mom share with you about her miscarriage? What was it like? Did it comfort you?

One Month after reaching "Zero"

2006-11-07T19:53:00.000-08:00

Yesterday it was one month after my hcg levels reached "zero". I'm still a bit confused about the whole wait time issue. I was feeling better since talking to my doctor and he said that I could get pregnant after 6 months. Then today I did some reading and it said that there is a 3 to 4% chance that the gestational trophoblastic neoplasia can return. That's small but after the odds I've had, I don't know. I really don't know.

I have questions. Like, what if I did get pregnant after the 6 months but before 12 months and I happen to be one of the unlucky women that has the GTN come back? Doctors wouldn't be able to tell it was back, or would they? I guess if my hcg levels got really, really high. And then what would happen? Is it worth the stress? Mind you, there is always risk with anything in life. Although it's only a 6 month difference. I'm obsessing. I need to let it go.

I look at the green form that indicates all my blood test dates and I see September 14 2007 as my last blood test. After a fun summer, we would be relaxed and ready to try again. There would be no lingering what ifs (well, at least less what ifs). That would be good. By the time I go back to work this January, I will have been 0 for 3 months. 12-3=9. Six of those months will be consumed by school and then two months off in the summer. Then it will be September. That seems doable. I just have to chunk it up into manageable bits with lots of rewards. It's not as if my whole life is about baby-making. But the clock, she is a ticking and very loudly.

I feel like I've aged throughout all of this. Aged in spirit, that is. In some ways it feels like I am shedding an outgrown skin. I'm in the uncomfortable phase right now. I do believe that there will be a time that I feel young and innocent again. It's a state of mind.

Trying new things and meeting new people help me to get to know myself in new ways. I feel how I've changed and how I look at things somewhat differently, with more compassion.

I can be whole admist this loss. That is a lesson worth mastering. I will not hold off living my life fully right now even though I get sad and feel like something, make that someone is missing. The Buddhists say that we are reborn with each breath, in each moment. I resolve to let go of my grasping with each breath.

Note to Self: Avoid IKEA on rainy weekends

2006-11-06T12:15:00.000-08:00

I ventured out to the suburbs to IKEA to cure my woes by buying new things. I admit it completely. I was partaking in a little, no, make that a lot of retail therapy even though my better self thinks that that is shameful.

I had forgotten some things about IKEA though. On weekends, it is like playland for families. It is filled with families and moms and babies and pregnant women. Talk about facing your pain head on. It opens you up. I felt the need to curl up on one of their IKEA couches in one of their smartly designed displays and keen for my misplaced dreams.

Then there were the young couples. I would see a young couple (early 20s) and feel somewhat sad because I would never have that innocence about pregnancy back again. Any pregnancy following this will be connected with my two previous pregnancies and losses.

Next I would see a couple with a family and I think: "Will I have that?"

And let me not forget the women with their big, round bellies with her husband/boyfriend touching her lovingly, protectively, proudly. I was ready for the floor to swallow me up. That particular ache is very hard to describe. It's maybe a little bit like after a big break-up with your first love. But of course it's different than that. It was new life and it was love embodied. The ache and pain is a physical one. It is a silent pain.

I try not to be small when I'm around pregnant women and women with babies. I want to be bigger than this pain. I want to send them loving thoughts and know that it will be me someday. Somehow, it will work out. Until then, I just have to feel those intense feelings of loss and sadness. It's something that I can't escape.

On a positive note, my livingroom looks fabulous!

Sometimes you just don't feel like smiling

2006-11-02T02:13:00.000-08:00

Not an incredibly fitting title considering that I was feeling really good today, really content. However, the past few days have been filled with drama and insomnia and I still can't figure out which caused the other.

The drama rotates around finding a new place to live. Minutes away from signing a rental lease on a new condo that wasn't perfect but that we felt would work out, I spotted a clause that had been ticked and that we were to initial, indicating our agreement. The clause read something like: "At the end of the 12 months, the tenant will move out of the apartment." This, of course, raised alarm bells especially considering that below this clause there was another one that was un-ticked that read: "At the end of the 12 month lease, the rental may proceed month-to-month or at a fixed term."

What followed was a long and frustrating, heated discussion between me, M and the rental management guy about what this meant, about the Tenancy Act, about the intentions of the owner, etc., etc. Needless to same it spoiled a perfectly fine dinner out. We were expecting him to arrive later at the restaurant where we had planned to meet. It must have been very bad dinner theatre for the people around us.

This rental management man was convinced that we didn't understand and we were convinced that the owner didn't know whether she would sell after the year was up, thus leaving us without a home. Finally, we decided that this wasn't the one. Perhaps this is what my insomnia the night before had been trying to tell me. I had not slept the whole night. At all. I'm not doing so well tonight either considering it's 3:07am.

Earlier in the day I had had my weekly blood test where the nice lady asked "What's a molar pregnancy?" I proceeded to give my spiel about the empty egg being fertilized and the placental cells growing out of control, etc., etc. She was confused by parts and asked "You took the chemo when you were pregnant?" to which I responded: "No, they had to do a d&c before the chemo." She then asked "Was this your first baby?" and I had to explain that no, I had had a miscarriage previous to this. She seemed quite motherly and sympathetic, so much so that I teared up (something I hate doing in front of people I don't know). Why do people feel so entitled to ask these questions?

The day continued to be "heavy". I went for my yearly pap smear, something that is not without stress. I revisited again the whole molar pregnancy/chemo trip with my family doctor as she hadn't seen me since she had referred me to the gynaecologist. She was kind and talked to me about my experiences. There was no rushing, Thank God for small miracles.

The day culminated in me returning home and crying myself to sleep. We're talking a great sobbing mess. I don't remember gulping for air like that since I was a kid. M was my hero and stroked my back, encouraging me to cry as much as I wanted, let it all out, it was healthy, it's okay, it's good to cry, you've been through so much.

When I was about 6 or 7 I think, I was flying down for my monthly visit to see my mom. Oh, the life of a child of divorced parents. The flight attendants were being very friendly with me as they were responsible for making sure that I was safely met by my mother. They were cracking jokes and attempting to amuse me. I was particularly solemn that day and I recall wondering why they wanted me to pretend that I was happy. One of the attendants asked "Such a pretty girl like you, why aren't you smiling?" I remember looking directly at her and saying "Sometimes you just don't feel like smiling." Things got kind of quiet after that.

Today was a "feel like smiling" day though. The crying brought catharsis. I've also realized that I love the neighbourhood that I'm in and I can make it work where I am right now. That has brought some peace. The Universe is giving me plenty of signals, in boldface, that indicate that it is not the time to move. I have been ignoring those signals up until yesterday. Now, I have let it go and it's a relief.

Surfacing

2006-10-26T12:43:00.000-07:00

Woah...I was not too cheery the other day when I last posted. I'm glad to say that I'm feeling better now. I didn't get much sleep that night (3 hours maybe). I ended up going into the lounge and crashing on the couch. Eee gad. At least it was quiet.

It is all done though. Done. No more chemo.

Dr. H explained that they like to follow patients for one year after chemo treatment but that it would be okay if I wanted to start trying again after 6 months. Having that option made me feel better. Now we can see how we feel about it at 6 months. I might need more time to recover or perhaps I'll be ready. I want to be in a really good headspace and feeling strong in my body.

M is having a hard time. I think that he kept all of the stress and grief under tight control and now he's ready to pop. I know that he'll feel better in time. He processes things differently than I do. I complain as I go along. He maintains a steady positive outlook. Then he cracks big. Neither is better or worse. It just is what it is.

I have time now to recover and "have some fun" (doctor's orders) before I go back to work. Oh what should I do with myself? Let's see...exercise and lose the 10 pounds I put on during pregnancy and chemo. Other ideas:
- explore different neighborhoods in this city
- go to the Art Gallery
- matinee movies
- shop
- hair cut
- Harrison hotsprings
- walks to Granville market

What else?

Duh!

2006-10-23T23:23:00.000-07:00

I just had a new awareness and well, that's good, right? I've been reading blogs about women who are using IVF and I'm becoming educated and I really see how ignorant I have been. I totally admit it. Ignorant. I mean, I thought I was sensitive and understanding, but I fully admit I have a bunch to learn.

I re-read my last post and I said pregnancy like it was a given. And then I thought how I was taking that for granted and then I felt like a hetero who's taking for granted their hetero privileges in this hetero society or an able-bodied woman taking for granted her able-bodiness. Is that similar? I don't know.

I have not been practicing gratitude today. I've been a surly patient, surly wife, surly daughter....just your average bitchy chemo patient. So what, who fcuking cares. Hospitals suck, cancer clinics suck, chemo sucks, being around really sick people breaks my heart and their being sick sucks (say that 6 times fast), molar pregnancies suck,....let me see what else, wait there's more coming,..oh yeah, looking for apartments in Vancouver BC sucks shit, vomitting sucks (not me thankfully, but my roommate....I hope she gets better), doctors conselling patients about their very sick mother in the lounge when I am eating and I have to watch woman cry while she holds her adorable 3 month old...that sucks for everyone. God, yes god listen, I just finished talking about gratitude and that lasted all of 3 seconds.

I HATE being here. I want to go out on the deck and smoke and I don't even smoke. Weird. My dad smokes though. Even just to smell smoke would probably relax me. God, that's so weird. Most people (including me usually) hate the smell of smoke. I want to camp out on the deck that they have just outside. Oh my. I should have planned that. Tent and all. Sleeping out under the stars at the cancer clinic. I need to be close to a plug-in but who cares?

Hospitals can slowly steal your soul if you're not vigilant. See, surly. Hospitals do not really empower patients. I wish they would have taught me how to administer this chemo because I could have bloody learned how to do it and I would have rocked. Then I wouldn't have to wait for anyone to start my chemo, unless of course I wanted help with it. I was poked 7 times today in an attempt to get the fucking IV line in. I mean, my last visit (there's dr.p's voice in my mind..."At least you're getting better. Count your blessings"....piss off p...yes, very juvenille). My spelling really sucks. Moving on. What was I talking about? Right, my last visit and it couldn't be longer or more annoying. Shit, how do I clear the history on this computer? Can't leave this rant for someone to chance upon. Bad vibes. I'm bad vibe, rambling, surly lady finishing up her last round of chemo in an empty lounge.

I started out this blog on the right note. What the hell happened? Another car wreck.

Litmus test

2006-10-22T19:01:00.000-07:00

The apartment we looked at was a no go. Surprise, surprise. There was not much of a neighborhood. I think in 5 years it will be really nice area.

They had a new baby. The landlords, that is. Baby was crying as we came in. Flashbacks to the recovery room after my d&c. I felt okay though. Mostly. I can imagine that as a new mother, the crying might get exhausting, especially if baby cried a lot. These are things I tell myself so that I can bear the thought of waiting a year before we can try. Then it's the ttc phase. Then pregnancy. It's too much to accept when I think of it all together like that.

Okay, I'm going to try to stay present-focussed. This is the trying to stay present (ttsp) phase. In the now. Yup. That's me.

Is reading this blog like watching the aftermaths of a car accident? I only wish that there weren't so many sad stories out there in the blogosphere. However, I'm glad we can share in the process of greiving.

Preparing for the Last Go-around

2006-10-22T15:03:00.000-07:00

The last chemo treatment is tomorrow so it will be the last of many things:

- last IV line
- last time dragging the IV around behind me
- last anti-nausea drugs
- last time rooming and living for 24 hours with a person whose very ill with cancer
- last time to smell that awful smell of hospital food
- last week of chemo-induced hangover

I'm sure that there are many more things that I will be able to add to this list. I am so thankful to soon be able to look back on this whole experience. It will be over. Done. Finito.

I wonder how I'll look back on this whole time? Will I have gleaned some shiny nugget of wisdom that I haven't been illuminated with yet? Will I have blocked it all out?

We're looking at yet another apartment today. I'm trying not to get too attached. Like every place we've seen, there are pros and cons. I feel sad about leaving the neighborhood that we're in. It's time though. And as M and I keep saying, we can always move somewhere else after that. We're not stuck there if we don't like it. I used to be so at ease with moving because I was doing it every year for quite awhile. Now it feels like a huge effort but I know that most of it is in my mind.

I've been wondering if I should start a new blog to mark the end of this time...the 'going through chemo time'. Maybe it's good though to have a space devoted to checking in with where I'm at with the greiving and the processing of this whole experience. Soon I will start work again and be consumed with it and it might be nice to have a place to revisit how I'm feeling.

Thank You Mel

2006-10-20T18:38:00.000-07:00

Mel of Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters added me to her links list. I like the way that she reads other blogs and comments encouragingly on posts that interest her. It's a good idea.

Phantom Pains

2006-10-19T23:08:00.000-07:00

Throughout this whole molar pregnancy experience, I have been getting to know my body in a new way. There has been no frame of reference for various aches and pains or types of bleeding. What was "normal"? I didn't even present the "normal" classic symptom of molar pregnancy - extreme vomitting (not that I'm complaining about that).

It has demanded that I develop trust in my body as a healing organism and I have to admit, I wasn't always ready or able to do that. It felt like my body had betrayed me. Why wasn't there any kind of fail-safe mechanism for when a sperm fertilizes an empty egg? Why instead would the placenta grow out of control and become, essentially, a tumour that if left untreated could kill me? Weird and weird again.

How can I heal this relationship with my body? Physical activity helps. I've been focussing on trying to walk briskly every day. Yoga would probably help (why do I keep cheaping out when I see the $16 drop-in price?). Dance? Something, anything to get me into my body and out of my head where I tend to spin off into worry/obsess mode. Like what is this nagging pain in my left arm that's been there for a few days now? Is it from doing too many reps with hand weights (something I haven't done in a looong time) or is it something to be concerned about?

I think that the worry mode about health is partly a cultural thing. I wonder about how people in other (tribal non-Western) societies deal with their aches and pains: ignore it, adapt and live with it, go and see the shaman so that you can adapt your mind to live with it. Maybe it's even a generational thing. My aunt, age 81, cannot bend her wrist because of who knows what and she refuses to go to a doctor. She claims that it doesn't bother her and that she can manage.

So I've got to make peace with my worry. I've got to sit with it, get to know it, and watch it dissolve. Maybe if I heal the worry then perhaps the pain will lessen, or at least I won't be afraid of it. Because I want to trust my body again.

I'm En Route

2006-10-19T10:26:00.000-07:00

Thank you Julie for adding me to your list. That makes two, make that three things to smile about today. My period finally arrived and I got to cancel my pap. yay!

2006-10-19T00:10:00.000-07:00

2 Pregancy losses + chemo + no work = more weight and big credit card bill

No kidding. I have gained 10 pounds, plus a new digital camera (for a new hobby), leather jacket (I felt really good in it), pants (needed these because of increased waist size), shoes (really needed these), mp3 player (for the hospital), and a dvd player (gift for my hubby). So much for buddhism and non-attachment. It's clear that I'm trying to fill some kind of void. Except it doesn't work that way as good old Pema has explained. Yes, I'm still reading and things are still falling apart.

This is a weird time. Work's on hold. I was going to make this time useful and join something like a pottery class or yoga or a writing group. Maybe, as one person said, the chemo is enough. It's enough to go through this experience. I don't have to make it count for anything more.

I've read a number of blogs on babymaking and I amazed by how funny some women write about the tragedy in their life. Good for them! I marvel at that talent. There are so many blogs on ttc by in-vitro. Then there's single women ttc and recurrent miscarriages and the list goes on. I'm not quite sure where I fit in. Story of my life.

My impression is that many people are blogging for similar reasons. They are processing their experiences and their grief. They are wanting to connect with others who have experienced something similar. They are wanting their trials to mean something and help others. Welcome to the internet's warm, fuzzy side.

Speaking of warm and fuzzy, I am totally enjoying my new robe and slippers. It helps for nights like these when I have to get up and go in the other room because any slight movement and M growls and snarls at me. Pretty soon he'll be fast asleep and I can tiptoe back to bed to continue my tossing and turning.

2006-10-18T12:48:00.000-07:00

The List Keeps Growing

Woah. When I was first diagnosed with a molar pregnancy, I only knew about a partial molar and complete molar. I am sad to say that the list has grown. I have heard a bunch of different circumstances:

- twins from IVF (in-vitro), one twin is healthy, one is a complete molar pregnancy
- twins: one healthy twin, one partial molar
- ectopic molar pregnancy

I read an abstract recently about IVF and complete molar pregnancies. It got me to thinking. I was wondering how this was possible. Can't they tell if the egg is empty of genetic material? The abstract seemed to indicate that the fertilized eggs divided normally before doctors transferred two into the mother. One developed into a healthy fetus and the other fertilized egg became a complete molar pregnancy. I wonder if there was never any maternal genetic material in that one egg or if it somehow got kicked out.

Yes, even now, I still want to know why. Why are molar pregnancies more common in East Asian countries? Is it diet? Pollution? Genetics? There are studies that show that women who have moved from the Phillipines to Hawaii have, in one generation, a decrease in the incidence of molar pregnancies. This suggests diet or environment.

Studies have also found a gene (NALP7) that is responsible for recurrent molar pregnacies. There are families that have a history of recurrent molar pregnancies interspersed with normal pregnancies.

It will probably never be entirely preventable. I'm glad that there are people researching it all the same.

2006-10-17T14:01:00.000-07:00

Side effects

Please feel free to add your 2cents by posting a comment of your own side effects from treatment.

My side effects:
from the anti-nausea drugs:
- flushed cheeks (apparently this is from the steroids in the dexamethsone)
- "wacked-out" feeling
- constipation and hard stools
- increased appetite

from the chemo (I think):
- slight nausea
- diaharrea after the constipation (crazy, I agree)
- watery eyes, dry eyes, red eyes
- headaches
- fatigue
- general achiness and malaise
I usually feel better after a week following treatment.

2006-10-17T13:50:00.000-07:00

Chemo Recipes

Post in a comment the chemo "recipe" that was used to treat you.

My chemo recipe (aka protocol):
- In-patient treatment
- IV drip to start hydration with Sodium bicarbonate (goal is to make blood alkaline so that metho will not damage kidneys)
- 2 dexamethasones and 1 zofran (anti-nausea drugs)
- when urine is >7, chemo is started
- IV push of: 0.6mg/m^2 dactinomyacin on days 1 and 2 and methotrexate (100mg/m^2) on day 1
- IV drip of methotrexate (300mg/m^2) over 4 hours
- leucovorin pills (3 pills every 6 hours) started 24 hours after metho infusion

2006-10-17T11:51:00.000-07:00

Call me Monk (I like monk more than Nun)

You know you're either a) old or b) on holiday or c) sick and off work when you start to wonder what the hell day is it? You look at your calendar and it doesn't help. You try to think back to a reference point (Didn't we go out for noodles on Saturday, or was it Friday?) and nothing emerges. Of course you could always check your computer but what fun would that be?

I'm in hermit mode. Another thing I come by honestly. Honestly. My dad is a certified hermit. He's a homebody. He goes out to get library books, go to church and get groceries. That's it, my friends. And now here I am...happiest at home. I still have an agenda book but it's empty except for the days I've indicated 'bleeding'. What would someone think if they read through my agenda book for the last 7 months? They would see M (miscarrying), Bl (bleeding), Sp (spotting), P (period), 14 (day 14 of cycle, ie. possibly ovulating), Dr.Z (drs. apt), u/s (no need to explain), Dr.Z, u/s, bltest (bloodtest), Dr.G, d&c, bl, bl, sp, cl (you guessed it- clot), bltest, bltest, bltest, x-ray, Dr.H, chemo, 270 chemo, 41, P.S(therapist), chemo, 14, P??, chemo, 3.1, X,X,X(as I start to x off the days so I know what day it is. A sad state of affairs.

What do I do all day? Let's see:
- get up at anywhere btwn 9:30 and 12 (not kidding)
- meditate (I can actually write that because I've done it now for 2 days!)
- check email, check craig's list for new apts, read blogs, post to blog
- eat
- talk to M on the phone
- check email, surf, read blogs, check craigslist
- go for walk to Granville market, go to library, get coffee, groceries
- nap
- watch a show
- make dinner
- watch a movie/show or read
- bed

Here's what my "should" day would look like:
- get up at 8:30
- meditate
- walk, have coffee, journal
- meet-up with friend
- tidy-up/clean house
- work out
- make dinner
- go to yoga class
- read
- bed

Only the priviledged. I'm lucky I'm getting medical leave pay. There's much to be grateful for.

2006-10-16T10:25:00.000-07:00

Those Buddhists are Really Cheerful

I'm currently reading "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron. Seems like an appropriate title for this time in my life. I read the chapter last night on 'Hopelessness and Death'. I know, cheery bedtime reading. Somehow the ideas really worked for me. She writes about how most of us try to avoid discomfort all of the time. The discomfort could come in the form of loss, illness, or changes in a relationship or job. Chodron encourages us to relax with the discomfort and lovingly be with who we are and where we are. Give up hope, therefore being hopeless, that there is a better you in the future.

Basically, I understand this to mean that if I'm always trying to "hide" from discomfort, I am spending a lot of time and energy not really being with what is in the moment. I can choose to accept all aspects of myself and my experience, even if it brings up insecurities.

I feel like I've been putting a lot of pressure on myself lately and I know that it's all an attempt to escape from staying present focussed. I've got it in my mind that we need to be moved by Jan.1st, have a new car for the New Year and go on a fabulous trip before I go back to work in January. Wow. Just writing that down makes me laugh. But even knowing that I'm trying to hide from my discomfort right now, I still cling to the idea that once I have these things then life will be better. I can't stand the thought of not having these things in place by January.

I don't want to put myself on hold until life is "better". I want to relax with what is right now.

So what is right now? Well, there is a mocking voice in my head that says my writing is boring and asks why am I doing it. There is tension and restlessness in my body. There is worry about the pain in my arm, the fact that I have to go grocery shopping, my somewhat hermitlike behavior. There is also an intense exhaustion...like I could sleep for days. There it is. I'm not hiding. I think the next step is to understand that this will change, just like everything in life always changes. I will not feel these things forever.

Next chapter: Widening the Circle of Compassion

2006-10-15T13:31:00.000-07:00

Let the rain pour down. It is like a rainforest outside and I LOVE IT! Oddly enough, I have been craving rainy weather since the summer. It goes with mourning a whole lot better than sun-shiny-bright-isn't-it-gorgeous-out weather. Now it's not like I'm moping around everyday all the time. I'm functioning pretty well...getting walks in for exercise, writing in my journal, shopping, cooking, seeing friends and family. However, it ('it' being grief and anxiety - they seem paired) sneaks up on me and I do have weird little freak outs like last night.

I had what felt like a hormonal surge or something. I was worrying about everything - about the pain in my arm that could be a bloodclot, about how I have put on weight, about whether we'd ever move, about being lost on my path in life, about why I can't save much money and so on and so on. My poor M was on the receiving end of all this anxious bile. I don't know what came over me but I was suffocating in the hand of fear. Yikes. Maybe my hormones are sorting themselves out. Since I'm down to zero I should get a period fairly soon.

I've been reading "a little pregnant" blog lately. Julie is the author and she has such a good sense of humour. Where are these people in the flesh when you need them? I want a big sister who has been through the wringer to have her child and who can console me with humour. And what a great community "a little pregnant" blog is! I really hope that women who have had molar pregnancies will start blogs. So far, I have found 3 other women who have blogged/are blogging about their experiences. Molar pregnancies are such a unique experience that not many people know about. We need eachothers' support.

So I'm going to bundle myself up in several layers and make my way fearlessly through the rainstorm to the downtown library. I'm going to get some good books and then order a coffee. Simple pleasures on a simple Sunday.

2006-10-13T20:21:00.000-07:00

***Upon re-reading this, I realized that my chemo fuzzy brain was reading "Chemo Card" instead of "Cancer Card". A small difference, I know, but worth noting that I am regaining some brain activity again.***

Now wait just a minute! We thought we were the clever ones who came up with this idea. I mentioned it here in a previous post. It seems that Cancer Vixen knows all about the Chemo card. Been meaning to get that book even though I don't really have cancer....well, it's true...it's just pre-cancerous. I'm glad Cancer Vixen is doing so well selling her graphic novel. It's gotten a ton of publicity.

Somehow I can't see people buying a graphic novel on molar pregnancies.

There's a bit of a stigma I've been tapping into around this whole molar pregnancy thing. People are just not prepared to hear that a pregnancy can lead to chemo treatment. They get that look, that "Thank God I'm not you" look.

Apparently, my mom was saying that there was a stigma around breast cancer at one time and people just did not talk about it. Maybe I have never heard of molar pregnancies because women don't talk about it because they feel ashamed of it. So, why would women feel ashamed of it? I admit that there is a very small (and yes, small and insecure) part of myself that feels somewhat, errr, ashamed of all of this. I can't believe that crap but well, it's true.

I'm glad that there are a bunch of women out there that are blogging away about what they are encountering on their way to mommyhood. It is not as easy as a lot of people think. I can't wait until there is a witty graphic novel about pregnancy loss and the sometimes long journey of having a child. Aliza Sherman is making a documentary film about miscarriage. Deanna is writing a novel about pregnancy loss. Did you know that October 15th is Babyloss Awareness day?

2006-10-11T12:52:00.000-07:00

Levels down to 3.1!!! That means that I only have one more chemo session to go because below 5 is considered zero. I'm so glad, so glad. Then it's blood tests that follow that. Biweekly and then monthly I think.

I had a really crappy time at the cancer agency. I'm so glad I had that one nurse though. She was my angel...helping us out like that. I've decided not to relive it all but it really taught me about speaking up for myself. You've got to do that in this health care system. You've got to give them feedback or else they think that everyone's just going to take it. So many people are so sick there that I think a bunch of people do take it - the bureaucracy and bullshit. I feel proud to say that I did stand up for myself and received some apologies from one of my doctors.

My blog appears to be temporarily screwed up today. I'm going to have to look into that. I don't have many plans for today except take it easy. Perhaps I'll work on my life collage and look for apartment rentals.

2006-10-09T22:01:00.000-07:00

I'm struggling tonight because this is not exactly a private diary so I'd feel funny about swearing like a truck driver but that is exactly what I want to do. There was a screw-up today and I was suppose to come in to the cancer clinic tomorrow. Luckily, one of the previous nurses agreed to take me. She is very nice and understood that it's a big deal for us to get prepared for this, even though it's only overnight. Then when you're in the building you just want to get it over with and not have to come back. She got my chemo started by 12:30 which is a record I think. We bought her a bottle of wine because we were so thankful. I could go into more detail but I won't here. I'm at a computer in the lounge.

I won't find out about my hcg levels until tomorrow. It's a stat holiday here being Thanksgiving and all. My husband and I had a great dinner last night, just the two of us. It was wonderful until after dinner when we had a spat. Not a fight but getting there. I think we were both stressed out about today. We're just tired of it. It's at the point where it's getting wearing.

My mom came and visited me tonight. M took off at around 7pm which was early for him. He works early tomorrow though so I know he needs some relax time. I'm grateful that he comes in. I hate being here alone. I think I'm just going to go watch DVDs and block this all out. I do hate being here, especially overnight. I need to be grateful though that I don't have many treatments left and I will be okay.

I had a good talk with my therapist the other day. I actually pinpointed when I was spinning off into anxiety. I could feel it in my body and once I admitted that I was going to the worse case senario, I was able to realize that I was "in" anxiety and I could let it go. I know why I go to that place and it's because I think that if I consider the worse case senario then I will be protected from being hurt by it. I realize that all this rationalizing does not change my emotional feelings about everything. No matter how much I try to rationalize my way out of something traumatic, I will still feel sad and pain. The anxiety doesn't alleviate it. It's a control thing I'm sure. I'm wanting to be in control of an out of control situation. I guess that becoming more aware of it is the first step.

This is related to the argument that M and I had. Sort of. Actually, I think we were both on the same side. He doesn't want me to be thinking about worse-case senarios when we next try to have a baby. He basically communicated that that made things worse in the last pregnancy. I agree. I didn't know how to not feel anxious because I knew that something was not right in the first ultrasound and so I freaked and started looking for info on the internet.

I want to be in a really good headspace next time. Have a good midwife or doctor, be exercising and feeling strong, in a positive frame of mind, have hope and faith in the process. It's coming.

2006-10-07T18:17:00.000-07:00

Singing the blues...I still haven't figured out how to have titles in a blog. Maybe I need to edit the html. Anyways if I had a title for this particular blog post it would be "Singing the blues" or maybe "Always sleep facing the window, so you can see the sun rise" (advice given to Alberta Hunter from her mother). I went to a great play/musical called "Cookin' at the Cookery" based on the life of Alberta Hunter. She was a "pioneering African-American popular singer whose path crosses the streams of jazz, blues, and pop music." I really enjoyed it. What really struck me was how I felt when she sang the blues. It was like taking a long, cool drink of water on a scorching hot day. She sang to my soul. The blues. I have had the blues for some time now and to hear that sweet sound sung out to echo my feelings....it was like a little piece of heaven. I'm on a mission now to find some delta blues albums. I also realize that I love and miss going to see shows - plays, musicals, rock concerts, you name it. I haven't done that in so long and it really lifted my spirits. That goes on the list of things that I want to do more of.

My eyes of been really watery lately and I've been blaming it on the chemo. Maybe they are dried out or maybe I've got tears to shed. I rented a couple of sad movies tonight ("Bleu" and "Winter Solstice" - both about grieving I realized after) for some crying therapy. My husband's gone out to a friend's place and I wasn't into going. It's complicated to explain how I feel about these friends. M's known this guy for years and years. The friend did send a card on behalf of him and his girlfriend which was really nice. However, I consider them to be really image-oriented people (I guess they would be hurt if they thought that) and what I'm going through is so far out of their own realm of experiences. I think it freaks them right out that they don't know how to interact with me (in person).

The last time I saw them was about a week after my d&c. It was way to early for me to be going to social events but I decided I needed to try and move on and be real with the people in my life. In the back of my mind it was a bit of a test for our relationship. My husband had told them I had another miscarriage but they didn't know anything about the molar part. I went to their BBQ and when I came in his girlfriend, lets call her Julie, asked "how are you doing?"

"Well, I have good days and bad. Right now I feel pretty good."

Silence and apparent discomfort from M's male friend.

Julie gives me a sympathetic look.

Later this repeats with another of M's friend.
Julie is there and says "I guess that's part of starting a family (not exact words but something to this effect)"

Me: "That's not how it feels when it happens to you."
Uncomfortable silence.
Julie: "I guess you just try again."
Me: Silent.

Later she came up to me in private and apologized. She said she hadn't meant to minimize what I had been through. I was surprised and felt a bit better after she talked to me. I realize that my expectations were pretty high for them considering I don't believe she's ever had a miscarriage or experienced a major loss. I could be totally making an assumption though. It's funny how I was so angry about that interaction for awhile. I realize now that people just don't know what to say or how to act in the face of such tragedy. They usually also don't want to see you cry. Usually, I hate for people to see me cry but I have been getting over that and over myself recently. Now I tear up and let the tears roll. Why not? If people are uncomfortable then they need to deal with that themselves.

Off to videotherapy. Got lot of tissues and the house all to myself.

2006-10-06T11:10:00.000-07:00

I've been busy looking at apartments, visiting family, looking at apartments, thinking about buying, thinking about my life until now, looking at apartments, thinking again about buying and generally driving myself crazy. I felt really good physically this week and I can't believe it's almost time for me to go back to the hospital this Monday. It gives a whole new meaning to Sundaynightitis. It will be Thanksgiving Monday. The bitterness is creeping in but I'm not going to succumb. Maybe I'll be able to be thankful for less than 5 hcg levels. I can be thankful that I'm not terminally ill from this molar pregnancy.

I'm going to ask for a private room at the cancer agency this time. I hope I can get it. It adds a whole other level to hear the stories of my roommates. I think it adds to my stress and grieving, instead of alleviating it. Hopefully, I will only have two more treatment sessions left. I'm glad this is only temporary. Being sick sucks.

I'm working on a collage that shows all the aspects that I want to create in my life. Community and travel seems to be common themes. I'll post it up here when I'm finished. I definitely feel like I have grown up in the past year. Aged. This is not a bad thing....I just need time to integrate these new experiences. It has been too much too quickly. The body and mind need time to adjust.

The Complete Egg

Welcome to the World Baby Liam

Gratitude

Happy birthday to me!

A Big Ho, Ho, Ho to Everyone

21 weeks on Sunday

Introducing....baby!

Bad Day

Back from Edmonton

I can relax now

Gratitude

Got the Worries

Wow

Bean a long and tiring day

Questions

I love my husband

Starting to freak out

sensitive *baby mentioned*

Random thoughts smeared on a page

Poor Me

The Body Remembers

Notes from my Husband

Posting Anyways, Warts and All

7 more months

My Report Card

A year minus a day

Self care

This is the post I wrote last week

Morning of Mourning

Double O Seven

Our Room with a View

Going on Vacation

Can't Sleep Again

Settled

Pregnancy loss in House and Vogue

Two Month Anniversary

Looking Back

A Whole New Name

Measuring in

Email from Hodges

Little Loved Ones they Lost

Number of times stuck by a Needle Hall of Fame

Faith, Forgiveness and Sleepless Nights

My Mother's Miscarriage

One Month after reaching "Zero"

Note to Self: Avoid IKEA on rainy weekends

Sometimes you just don't feel like smiling

Surfacing

Duh!

Litmus test

Preparing for the Last Go-around

Thank You Mel

Phantom Pains

I'm En Route

sensitive baby mentioned