Should sad sack go and see the Dalai lama? The Dalai lama is in town to do a talk on Happiness (with a capital H). Ah...happiness. That elusive feeling. What does it describe? Does it describe contentedness or full out, endorphin inducing JOY? If you asked most people if they were happy, would they say yes? I guess I have very high expectations of happiness. I expect it to be the mind-blowing JOY experience. Laughing until tears come out of your eyes and your belly hurts or playing in the first snow or something. Maybe I need to lower my expectations of Happiness. Then maybe I'd say yes if someone asked me if I was happy instead of...uh, I guess so.

List of things to be happy about today:
1. It's raining so I don't have to feel like I should get out there and take advantage of the good weather.
2. It's the weekend so I get to drink coffee (I'm trying to be healthy and drink green tea during the week).
3. I just was introduced to the Gilmore Girls and it's a lot of fun. It makes me laugh.
4. There still a lot of old, bad 80s movies that I can watch while at the hospital this Monday.
5. I feel pretty healthy considering I have lots of cytotoxic drugs in my bloodstream.
6. I get to hang out with my loving, awesome husband, M, today.
7. I'm not stressed out about work.
8. I can read one of my favourite blogs: babyfruit
9. I get to blog.
10. I could have 3 free therapists if I wanted.

List of losses to date:
1. Potential baby #1 (miscarriage #1)
2. Potential baby #2 (Molar)
3. d&c
4. levels going up...need chemo
5. no work for 4 months (could there be a 'gain' in there somewhere?)
6. pregnancy innocence
7. intermittent faith and hope (although it's still there)
8. some friends (after careful evaluation on my part)
9. some weight
10. Oh yeah, a year before we can try and get pregnant again (more on this in another post)

I like lists. Lists make me happy.