Baby is still breech. I'm now almost in my 37th week so the chances of baby turning is really slim. I haven't lost all hope but I am preparing for the c-section. Went through a few dark days about this. I really wanted to experience the labour part of birthing. I thought I would kick ass. But really, who's to know? Maybe I would have ended up with a cesarean in the end. I feel like I have done some grieving and am now focusing on welcoming baby, no matter how he or she enters the world.
I went to a breastfeeding course which was really good. The teacher was a 65-year old nurse who has been a lactation specialist for years. I learned so much and it made me feel more confident. She also assured me that I would be fine following the surgery and it won't inhibit me from breastfeeding my baby. It was reassuring to hear those words. My midwives have made me feel like I should have chosen to have the baby turned by external version. It was a long, hard process to decide on what Malcolm and I thought was best and in the end we opted against it. The doctor only gave it a 40% chance of success. He said it was pretty tight in there. Then, we had to consider whether to labour breech or have a cesarean. Considering that we couldn't even guarantee that this doctor (who is apparently competent and confident with breech vaginal births) would be available when I was labouring, and it would be a 50/50 chance that I would need a cesarean anyway, it seems like the choice was made for me. What are the odds?? Breech babies occur in 3-4% of pregnancies. Statistics feel meaningless at this point. After a miscarriage, a molar pregnancy with chemo, and now a breech baby...what are the chances of that? Is there any meaning to any of it? Healthy baby - that's my mantra. Healthy baby, healthy baby, healthy baby.
It did bug me that the midwives did not seem to fully support my decisions. Interestingly enough, I spoke with a woman at the breastfeeding course who has the same midwives as I do and when I was relating my impressions, she agreed that she had experienced the same thing with them. They come across as a somewhat coercive, like they have an agenda. I spent considerable amount of time with them justifying my decisions about not attempting to turn the baby or having a vaginal birth. Maybe if there were more doctors trained in vaginal breech births, and maybe if we hadn't had so many unusual pregnancy experiences already, and maybe if Malcolm's family didn't have a history of traumatic births of firstborns, then maybe we'd consider it. I'd have to be very committed to the idea and confident in myself and my body. Quite frankly, I've lost some confidence in the wisdom of my body. I know that it is imperfect and simply does the best that it can. That might not be enough to deliver a baby without birth injuries. Anyways, I felt better after talking to this woman and she told me how she felt the same way after talking to another woman who had had the same experience with these particular midwives. It's weird though, because I had such a good experience of them up until now and I still respect them but the relationship has shifted somewhat. One of them will be there for the c-section and they continue to provide 6 weeks of post-partum care. I have an appointment today so I'm hoping that we can move forward. If they want to get back into it or speak negatively about the c-section birth then I will have to speak up and have a conversation with them.
I'm doing some gardening these days and it feels great. Actually, I have had more energy lately which has been different than the last week. For the past couple of weeks, I've been tired and battling headaches. Thankfully, I've been headache free for 2 days. I ate more meat thinking that maybe I was low in iron or something. Not sure if that was it, but I do feel better.
I've got everything ready for when the baby comes home. I've also filled our freezer with homemade meals. My brother and I spent a day cooking together. It was so sweet of him. I can't believe that the baby will be here in less than 2 weeks. It makes me sad that the baby can't choose his/her own birthday but instead, it's all scheduled. Oh well. I'm trying to let it go. It's a practice in letting go of expectations.
So, join me in my mantra.....healthy baby, healthy mom, healthy baby, healthy mom....