The Complete Egg

The before, during and after of a molar pregnancy, with a side of chemo and a 12 month wait before ttc. And most recently: experience of a healthy pregnancy.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

5 more months. Sometimes I feel ridiculous posting these milestones but somehow it seems important. Five does certainly not sound as long as seven. 5 is completely tolerable. 2.5 more months of school. That's a flash. Then it's summer. It would probably be okay to start to try in the summer. From the reading I've done, it's like a 3.5% risk that it (GTN) will come back ever and then after 6 months at zero, it's half that I think. It's very bizarre that the abnormal placental cells can persist after all of that chemo. How could they go dormant and then spring up again? I just don't get it. I seem to go over this and over this in my mind. It's not like all of my Google searches are going to lead to some solid answers. The other night I discovered Google Scholar and I was trying to find articles on cases where women became pregnant before the wait time was up and the outcome. I didn't find too much. Although, I did find one article that concluded that pregnancy does not cause a GTN relapse. It seems like the first 6 months after hitting zero (after chemo) is the most likely time of relapse.

I want to write more about what's going on in my life. I'm trying to hang out with people who make me laugh. I want to enjoy the arts more. I want to paint (even though I don't know the slightest thing about it). I want to leave work earlier. I want to get more exercise. I'm enjoying the sun. I have a cold right now. My family is getting on my nerves. I could go on and on about work but I make it a policy not to. What else? I feel like I need more freedom. Who doesn't though? I'd love to pack up a VW van and just head off up north or something. Somewhere where there are not a lot of people. I'm tired of living around so many other people. I need a coffee. I seem to be tired a lot of the time.

Sunday, April 08, 2007

I'm looking for a new place to live (again). I'm pressing the refresh button on craiglist like it's a slot machine game. M and I went on a field trip to Deep Cove and we love it! It would take us about the same time to get from there to work as from where we are now. It seems like it would be a really peaceful little community near the water and not as congested as where we are right now.

Work is going well. I'm enjoying it. There is also only 3 months left which is hard to believe. We are planning a trip to the Maritimes for this summer - first Montreal, Quebec, Gaspe peninsula, Halifax, Cape Breton Island, PEI. I think it will be amazing. It's something I'm really looking forward to.

A woman at work gave me an email address of a friend of hers that had a molar pregnancy, chemo and miscarriages. She now had 1 child and is very pregnant with her second. I finally emailed her and she shared her story and her feelings on everything now. She said she wouldn't change anything because it would mean that she wouldn't have her first child, her little girl. I can get that. It's a positive way to look at things too.

I'm so glad I have an online community regarding this molar pregnancy experience because I don't talk about it with anyone else (besides my husband). It feels like only the women who have been through it truly understand. And if they are in the wait time, they understand how the grief and the frustration are still present, even though the molar pregnancy was months ago. That's the thing, it keeps going and going. I heard one woman call it the never-ending miscarriage, or was it the longest miscarriage (?). It does end though, thank goodness.

It's funny how everything around this time reminds me of how I was feeling after my miscarriage last year. It was something about Easter and how it's the celebration of new life/renewed life. I was feeling a major disconnect in my life around that. I sure hope that I've become more relaxed about pregnancy but who knows? I wonder if there will be a lot of anxiety around pregnancy? Duh.

A lot of the ladies I am connected with on the forum are being cleared to ttc. I'm glad to have some women go ahead of me so I can live vicariously through their experience. However, I also feel a bit left behind. I guess that makes sense. I am trying to honor my own path though, since I have to walk it. I wish my husband come appear to me from the future and tell me that it will be okay, that we have a child in the future (see "Time Traveller's Wife". )