I got my nails done yesterday. It's kind of fun to have pretty hands at the moment. Usually, I never pay much attention to my nails. They are so short.

Yesterday was my last day of school and now I am officially on holidays. I'm happy but I'm also feeling depleted and a little down. I'm not quite sure what's going on. I think I feel a little disappointed with this school year. I guess that it makes sense what with all I went through. It was another challenging class this year, with children and parents with considerable needs. I guess that I am feeling tired. And a kind of under-appreciated. I know that I shouldn't expect appreciation. I think that I gave more energy this year than I got back. Somehow I didn't maintain a balance. I think it was hard for some of the new parents because they didn't get to know me very well. Many of them work and I didn't see them too often. I did call them and had a weekly newsletter but I still didn't feel too connected with them. I think that they had connected with the previous teacher at the beginning of the year. Oh well. Chalk it up to a bad year.

I need to focus on me now for the summer and getting back into balance. I want to find my niche in my work-life, actually, in life in general. I haven't felt recently that I am in the right space, if that makes any sense. Is it just about being happy wherever you are, or is it that sometimes we need to move from where we are into a new situation? Maybe I'll be able to see things in a different light when I'm more rested.

I'm off for breakie now. One of my favourite things to do on the weekend. Need to baby myself for a few days.

I haven't written in awhile. It's been busy and I'm exhausted. The end of the school year has been....well, eventful. Any children with behavior problems seem to get wiggy at this time of year. I totally understand and I'm sure I'm a little wiggy as well. Only 1.5 more days of school. It can't come soon enough.

I've been fairly even keel about the ttc thing. I still get sad about my losses. Especially when I'm around very pregnant women or newborn babies. It's the pregnant women that still get to me. It's an irrational feeling...really, I think the feelings come from the instinctual part of myself. It is a not very pleasant mixture of anger, jealousy and despair. It leaves me feeling weak. I believe I should be able to overcome those feelings but that's not the way it works.

Must really go to bed. I want to write more but I've got to hit the sack before 11pm unless I want to crash and burn in 1.5 day.

Goodnight and goodluck.

Well, I've finally finished writing report cards. Now life can begin again. Everything goes on hold for about 2 or so weeks. It is a ton of work. Less than two weeks left at school! I'm so done this year. I can't wait for the end. All of it takes so much energy.

As it gets nearer to the summer, I'm starting to get anxious about ttc. Surprise, surprise. We've decided to start trying at the beginning of August. In some ways that is good because we both will be nice and relaxed but in other ways, if I do get pregnant in August, then I will be in my first trimester during the busiest time of the year - September. Shit. I'll just need to cut some corners and make sure I focus on me. Rest lots. I'm trying to do some affirmations around the fear. "I'm now having a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby." That kind of stuff. "I release all of my fears related to pregnancy." I still feel scared. I need to make an appointment to this new doctor that we got a referral to. Hopefully she will be there for me. I'm going to tell her that I would like to have a lot of support during the next pregnancy because that will help me feel more calm. I hope that she is cool. If not then I am going to find a midwife who will support me through this.

Malc and I have booked our tickets and we're flying to Montreal. We've decided to skip New York for this trip because it was going to be so much more expensive. So, we'll do Montreal, Quebec city, Gaspe peninsula and then the Maritimes. I'm looking forward to it. I think I may feel a bit nostalgic because I went to university in Montreal 10 years ago. I can't believe it's been that long already. I think that I'm going to go there and think about how I thought I'd have kids by now. I wanted to start trying at about 27 but M wasn't ready. Man, that was hard. I have had a hard time letting go of that. I know that I need to but I feel sad and angry about it.

I had very strange dreams last night. I've felt kind of funny all day. Something's burbling in the subconscious. I often get vivid dreams at the end of a school year. I think that there are a lot of feelings around getting pregnant again. I want to try right away (this month) but then my summer vacation would be spent thinking/obsessing about possible problems and it would be like last summer. Last summer was awful and I felt the pregnancy was doomed from the beginning. It was so weird, I got really faint lines 2 or 3 days after my period was due. I am sad to think about how it may take longer to get pregnant. I mean, who knows? The last two times I got pregnant right away on the first try. I have no control over any of it. It's in the Universe's hands. I can do deep breathing though. Schedule some massages and spa days. I'll do that in August. I just have to keep taking one day at a time. I've made it this far.

Monday. I've finished my report card work for the evening. It was okay. Malc's just sitting on the couch right now staring off into space. I wonder what he's thinking about.

I am craving time alone. It was a busy weekend with lots of socializing. I'm wanting freedom. This full-time work thing is soooo demanding!

I've been keeping up with some of the forums and was sad to see that some of the women who have recently become pregnant are now having some bad news. It's so unfair and sad. I want them all to have uneventful pregnancies. What will happen to me? I found out last week that our secretary had 4 miscarriages (3 in a row). She was pretty open about it and it came up in the context of the conversation (with someone else, not me). Sometimes I wish I was more gutsy to talk about what's happened to me but I just don't want to go there. We just never know what people have gone through though. Especially private things, like miscarriages. It's so hidden and someone who's never had one just has no idea what it's like.

I'm listening to Carolyn Myss' CD set on Archetypes. It's interesting. She certainly believes in what she is talking about.

Well, I'm going to try to get to bed early again this evening. That seemed to work for me last night and today I was in a much better frame of mind. I also managed to get some exercise after work. Hooray for me!