The Complete Egg

The before, during and after of a molar pregnancy, with a side of chemo and a 12 month wait before ttc. And most recently: experience of a healthy pregnancy.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Something came to a head last night and I decided (and Malcolm agreed) that we did not want one of the midwives (L) that we have to be present at the birth. It was looking as if she was going to be the one attending. Oddly, my c-section was booked at a time that was at the very end of her on-call shift. We kind of hinted that maybe it would be better to have the "fresh" midwife (C) who would be at the beginning of her shift. It was left up in the air last week as to who would be attending. As I've gone over it in my mind, I have this really clear feeling that I don't want L at the birth. She doesn't put me at ease and she has not helped me to feel positive and reassured about the c-section. She seemed disappointed in my choice not to have the baby turned and questioned me at length about it. I felt like I was defending and justifying my choices. Instead of asking me if I wanted to talk out how I came to the decision, she questioned me and challenged me as if I was on trial. What the hell? Her bias was so obvious and it was no longer about me or Malcolm or our baby. It was about what she (and her colleague) thought was best. It would have been wonderful to have a supportive climate in which I could have become really clear about what was driving my decision not to turn the baby. Our doctor (OB) asked us today why we decided not to have the version. The best I could explain it was that we had been through so much that I just didn't want any interventions that carried some risk. We wanted this baby born safely. I know that a c-section carries risk so maybe I'm not making sense or being rational. I think that my decision was also made at the gut level - I had tried so many things to get this baby to turn and he/whe wasn't budging. To try and force the baby to turn seemed intuitively wrong.
So I called the receptionist at the midwives' office and explained how I was feeling and asked her what she recommended that I do. She told me that I needed to talk it out with them. So, in an effort to avoid that (because frankly, I don't want to invest the emotional energy) I asked if she could try and confirm who would be at the birth - L or C. She agreed that she would do that and get back to me. So I heard from her at the end of today and she said that it would be C unless there was another client in labour and then C would have to be with her and L would be with me. The receptionist thought that there was a good chance that it would be C because many of their clients had given birth recently. So, it's still a bit up in the air. I have an appointment tomorrow with L again (don't know how it ended up being L again) and I tried to change it but C was not in for clinic hours (not sure why). And now I'm left with the decision about whether to keep quiet or whether to confront L. I think we've decided that we're going to go with the flow. Malcolm and I both figure that she will be in the periphery of the experience and it will really be all about us and welcoming our new baby. That feels right in this moment at least. We'll see if that changes. I don't want any drama before the baby's birth and really, all of the midwives we've seen have cared a lot and that's pretty important. I think one of the pros of having an elective c-section is that there is time to plan, and one of the cons of an elective is that there is time to over-think things. I'm going to try and meditate and pray in the next few days so that I will feel centered and ready for this incredible life event.


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