Working full-time makes the weeks fly by. I'm glad September is over because it is such a busy, crazy time of year. I had a midwives appointment last week on Tuesday and I was disappointed that the midwife couldn't find the heartbeat with the Doppler. She didn't seem too concerned and said that it can be hard to find at just 10 weeks. Thank God for ultrasounds is all I can say. I have the nuchal booked for 2 weeks from now. I hope everything is still going okay. I have been experiencing some nausea and my breasts are quite heavy. I get up to pee in the night, then I feel nauseous, I have to eat, and then I can't get back to sleep. That happened a few times this week. My sore throat cleared up this week and then after a few nights without a lot of sleep, it appears that it has come back. I need to take some sick days and just rest. Full-time work can really suck. Thankfully, Thanksgiving is coming up and that will be 3 days off. I really, really want to make it through this first trimester. Tomorrow, I will be at 11 weeks.

I worry constantly. Well, maybe not constantly. I was worried about my sore throat (with a slight earache). I'm worried about a child having fifth's disease. I actually sent a student home because he was complaining of a hot cheek. With fifth's disease, I think that you always have two cheeks that looked slapped. I am paranoid. I got a cough one day and I worried that the gest. tropho. neoplasia was back. I'm having a hard time trusting. And I went to a wedding shower for a woman at work and there was a (younger) pregnant staff member there and she exudes this blissed out pregnant woman that has no doubt that things will not progress well. I'm trying to find that place again. That confidence. I feel my loss when I think about that. I was so happy to be pregnant that first time. It was so magical. I know that sounds corny...but I was really ecstatic and felt deep in my heart that everything would be fine. When I lost that first baby, it felt like such a betrayal. I had been abandoned. It was an injustice. And now it has been such a process to trust again. It's so tenuous. It's been over a week since my last ultrasound and I'm starting to feel unsure again. I figure since I'm not bleeding that that's a good sign. However, I know that the body doesn't always realize when a fetus has died. God, listen to me. My baby is healthy and growing. I welcome new life. I release my fears. I am healthy and safe. All is well. I have had two great ultrasounds. Everything points to a healthy fetus.

And to make things more stressful, I have a very difficult student this year. We think that this student may have a mental health issue or autistic spectrum disorder. The child's in the process of being evaluated and until we know, it's coping with the disruptive behaviours. I've been having bad dreams about him. In one dream, the student's dad told me that his child had witnessed a murder during a drug deal that went wrong. It was really weird and I don't know where my mind made that up from.

It's rainy here. I'm going out to breakfast with my mom. Maybe I'll go early and read the paper. I'm going to rest a lot this weekend to get over this virus that I have. I may have to go to the doctor this coming week if it's not clearing up. Sometimes I wish I wasn't working. Although, at least it takes my mind off things. I think I might be healthier if I wasn't working so much though. Worry, worry, worry. Okay, I'm stopping the worry now. Must be peaceful. Peaceful.

Gratitude

Thanks for all of your support. I did end up calling the midwives, booking an ultrasound and asking for support through this first trimester. Fortunately, the midwives responded immediately and I have received several phone calls since. It is very reassuring and validates to me that I made the right choice in care. I just needed to tell them what I need. I think that they try to take their cues from the woman and I could be more proactive.

So I was able to get a ultrasound booked for last Wednesday. The technician scared the crap out of me when she barked out my name and I thought, oh no, I can't go in there with her. But I did. And she was very clinical. However, the news was really positive so in the end, I didn't care that she was such a cow. The baby had grown and measured at nine weeks and the heart rate was 171. She printed me off some pictures but they were super blurry, not like the last ultrasound pics at 6 weeks which had excellent resolution. The technician was so lovely last time. We were so lucky to get her. Plus, she gave us the names of 3 other great technicians that work there because she was going off on maternity leave. So, I will book the next ultrasound myself (for 18 weeks) and try and get one of them. It does make a difference. This last tech was so robotic...."How many pregnancies have you had?" "Any children?" "Did you have a d&c for the molar?" Ah yes, you have to. "Were their any complications after it?" Ah yup, I went on to have chemotherapy. And how the hell is this relevant?? Find the baby, tell me the heart rate and don't make me more anxious by making me recount my sad history. Really, how was any of that necessary. And these questions were rattled off like they were from a form questionnaire. Anyways, I need to focus on what's important and that's that the baby is doing well. Thank goodness. It's so cool. I wish she would have shown me the screen for longer. Next week, I have an appointment with the midwife and she will try to find the heart rate with the Doppler. Then, I will have another ultrasound in my 12 week. Once I pass the 12th week, I think I will feel a lot more confident. I certainly feel much better after this second positive ultrasound. I am so, so grateful.

Got the Worries

Uuuugh. I have caught a cold...already. I'm so ticked off. I've been taking really good care of myself and going to bed early. It's not fair.

I've been having some worry attacks in the last couple of days because I've noticed a difference in my body. I was feeling really bloated and heavy feeling, with big, sore boobs. Then, in the last couple of days I feel like I've deflated like a balloon. Although yesterday my boobs did get sore again later in the day. I don't know what the hell's going on. I consulted the internet and sure enough, some women have these fluctuations and for others, it's a sign of an impending miscarriage. I can't handle it!!!! Everytime the answer is, every woman's different and every pregnancy is different. Couldn't there be some way to know? So I'm going to call my midwives and book another ultrasound. That's the only way I can get through this time. The nuchal ultrasound isn't until my 12th week and I'm just now 9 weeks. There's been no bleeding so I shouldn't suspect anything is wrong. What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I believe it will all work out okay? I feel so incredibly in the dark about what's happening in my own body. I hardly feel pregnant.

I wish someone from the midwives office would have called me by now. I've had no contact from any of them since that first visit, not even a follow up call about that first ultrasound. It would have been nice to celebrate that milestone with them. I'm grateful that Malcolm is here every step of the way. He's trying to reassure me that there is every reason to think that all is well. I really need some support through this first trimester. Why can't my healthcare professionals offer that? They must know that it's different for women who have had pregnancy losses in their first trimester. The midwife I met with was so young though. She was my age or younger. Maybe she has no clue what I might need. I guess I could tell them but I sort of feel that I don't want someone to make an effort because I ask them to. Also, I hate feeling like the "high maintenance" woman who needs a lot of hand holding (which is exactly who I am right now).

I've got the what if's. What if the baby has stopped growing? What if there's something genetically wrong with Malc and I? I hate even giving voice to these fears. I don't want to be fearful. I am willing to feel serene and calm. I figure that I have to know. That would ease my anxiety. And if I find out something negative from the ultrasound???? Then what? Not going to go there yet.

All supportive comments are welcome right now. My husband, the midwives and you are the only ones who know I'm pregnant.

Well somehow I got through the first week back at school. It was a whirlwind as usual and seems to take over my life. I was pretty good about getting lots of sleep and taking the skytrain instead of driving. The 40 minute drive stresses me out.

I'm still off coffee. It's been rough going but I do notice that my moods are more even and I'm not rushing around as frantically during the day. I'm making a big effort to eat well. I feel like I'm heavier. The naseau only comes when I wake up during the night and first thing in the morning but after I snack, it's fine. I don't feel like I'm eating more than usual but I feel bloated.

I'm on and off worrying about the little bean. Is everything proceeding well? I'm going into week 8. I really am itching to have another ultrasound but Malc says that I need to leave the baby grow in peace. What if the baby isn't growing though...what if there is no longer a heartbeat? Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to ignore this pregnancy. Sometimes I feel like everything is going to turn out well. Sometimes I'm happy and sometimes I'm terrified. I think I need to get another ultrasound. I don't know. Can't make up my mind.

Must go to bed now. Goodnight.

It's my last official day of summer vacation. I feel somewhat emotional. This morning I had to get up early to do a phone interview for life insurance. Malcolm is convinced that we need life insurance which I know is his way of affirming that things are going to go well for this pregnancy. But it freaks me out, in some superstitious way. It feels like it's tempting fate or something. Anyways, I had to go through all of my medical history (something I'm getting very used to at this point). I'm glad the interviewer (woman) didn't comment on anything. I didn't want to have to explain a molar pregnancy. It seemed like she had heard of it. Maybe she's a nurse?

I haven't heard anything from the midwives. I guess their philosophy is that everything is going fine unless something comes up (like bleeding or pain). I want a bit more hand-holding though. She said that they are conservative about offering ultrasounds but that they are open to it when it's about easing anxiety. Oh, it's about easing anxiety alright. I think Malc and I have decided to get the $500 prenatal screen from a private clinic. It scares the hell out of me. A part of me wants to stick my head in the sand and let it all work itself out but...there's that other part that wants the information, wants to be able to choose.

My pregnancy symptoms are very tolerable (thankfully). Sore, heavy breasts, occasional nausea, heightened sense of smell, cravings. I worry about miscarrying. I was 12 weeks in my first pregnancy before I started to bleed. I didn't have an early ultrasound that time. What would it have shown? Would I have seen a heartbeat? Would it have been low? Or was I one of the 3% that miscarries after seeing a heartbeat (or is it hearing a heartbeat?). When is it safe for me to trust that everything's okay? Most of the time I'm thinking of other things and trying not to focus on this pregnancy. Although, I do think about the time that's passing. 7 weeks 1 day. Still so early. Wish I could have certainty.

Still off coffee. It's been about 3 weeks. I'm doing okay with that. Wish I wasn't going back to full-time work but it sure does make time pass quickly. I'll need to make time for relaxing. And exercise.

Not sure if I have much to talk about today. I've been feeling pretty good in the past few days. I'm glad I can start school knowing that this pregnancy is progressing well so far. There are some niggly fears that come and go. I'm trying not to give them too much attention. At the moment, I'm wondering if we ought to pay for the nuchal translucency test or not. It costs $500. It's only covered for women over 35. We're discussing whether it's even necessary but I think it would make me feel better. It feels early to be thinking about that but I would have to book it soon in order to get an appointment. They test between 11 to 14 weeks. I'm in week 7. What has everyone else done about that test?

I had this experience last week that made me really uncomfortable. I was at work and noticing this women who I thought looked pregnant. I don't know this woman very well because we haven't worked together much (it's a huge school). Anyways, the next day I found out that she had announced her pregnancy the day before to the whole staff. That was when I was at my midwife's appointment. I had the strangest reaction. I felt kind of jealous or something. I think it's because she looks so assured that it will be an uneventful pregnancy. And I hope it is. But I've feel like I've misplaced that confidence and I don't know if I'll ever be able to get it back. I've witnessed so many women at our school get pregnant and have babies without event. And then there's me. I guess that I'm feeling sorry for myself which is stupid because I am grateful to be pregnant. I am grateful that we get pregnant easily. Also, I have no idea which people are having trouble conceiving or who has had a recent loss. They may not tell anyone at work. I felt surprised by my reaction to this young woman's pregnancy. I felt somewhat ashamed of myself. Weird. And it also made me worry about announcing. I don't want to do that and I think I'll just let my belly announce. Sometimes I hate working with so many women. Mostly, I think that working with women is great. But the cluckiness about babies drives me a little batty.