The Complete Egg

The before, during and after of a molar pregnancy, with a side of chemo and a 12 month wait before ttc. And most recently: experience of a healthy pregnancy.

Saturday, September 29, 2007

Working full-time makes the weeks fly by. I'm glad September is over because it is such a busy, crazy time of year. I had a midwives appointment last week on Tuesday and I was disappointed that the midwife couldn't find the heartbeat with the Doppler. She didn't seem too concerned and said that it can be hard to find at just 10 weeks. Thank God for ultrasounds is all I can say. I have the nuchal booked for 2 weeks from now. I hope everything is still going okay. I have been experiencing some nausea and my breasts are quite heavy. I get up to pee in the night, then I feel nauseous, I have to eat, and then I can't get back to sleep. That happened a few times this week. My sore throat cleared up this week and then after a few nights without a lot of sleep, it appears that it has come back. I need to take some sick days and just rest. Full-time work can really suck. Thankfully, Thanksgiving is coming up and that will be 3 days off. I really, really want to make it through this first trimester. Tomorrow, I will be at 11 weeks.

I worry constantly. Well, maybe not constantly. I was worried about my sore throat (with a slight earache). I'm worried about a child having fifth's disease. I actually sent a student home because he was complaining of a hot cheek. With fifth's disease, I think that you always have two cheeks that looked slapped. I am paranoid. I got a cough one day and I worried that the gest. tropho. neoplasia was back. I'm having a hard time trusting. And I went to a wedding shower for a woman at work and there was a (younger) pregnant staff member there and she exudes this blissed out pregnant woman that has no doubt that things will not progress well. I'm trying to find that place again. That confidence. I feel my loss when I think about that. I was so happy to be pregnant that first time. It was so magical. I know that sounds corny...but I was really ecstatic and felt deep in my heart that everything would be fine. When I lost that first baby, it felt like such a betrayal. I had been abandoned. It was an injustice. And now it has been such a process to trust again. It's so tenuous. It's been over a week since my last ultrasound and I'm starting to feel unsure again. I figure since I'm not bleeding that that's a good sign. However, I know that the body doesn't always realize when a fetus has died. God, listen to me. My baby is healthy and growing. I welcome new life. I release my fears. I am healthy and safe. All is well. I have had two great ultrasounds. Everything points to a healthy fetus.

And to make things more stressful, I have a very difficult student this year. We think that this student may have a mental health issue or autistic spectrum disorder. The child's in the process of being evaluated and until we know, it's coping with the disruptive behaviours. I've been having bad dreams about him. In one dream, the student's dad told me that his child had witnessed a murder during a drug deal that went wrong. It was really weird and I don't know where my mind made that up from.

It's rainy here. I'm going out to breakfast with my mom. Maybe I'll go early and read the paper. I'm going to rest a lot this weekend to get over this virus that I have. I may have to go to the doctor this coming week if it's not clearing up. Sometimes I wish I wasn't working. Although, at least it takes my mind off things. I think I might be healthier if I wasn't working so much though. Worry, worry, worry. Okay, I'm stopping the worry now. Must be peaceful. Peaceful.

1 Comments:

Blogger Anna said...

Oh Chantelle! I understand so much all that you say. It is like you are reciting my own heart and brain sometimes. Must be a normal reaction to loss that we both share! Hooray for 11 weeks! In fact, it is closer to 12 now, I guess. If it makes you feel better, my ob has not even tried the doppler, because he says it is so hard to hear it early on. Even at my last appointment at 14 weeks, he didn't want to try it.

I reckon you are right re: work. Take it easy - enjoy as many sick days as you feel necessary! Especially if you have a curly kiddo in your class this year. Ugh - that is very tiring. Continuing to pray for health and peace for you.

4:17 PM  

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