Got the Worries

Uuuugh. I have caught a cold...already. I'm so ticked off. I've been taking really good care of myself and going to bed early. It's not fair.

I've been having some worry attacks in the last couple of days because I've noticed a difference in my body. I was feeling really bloated and heavy feeling, with big, sore boobs. Then, in the last couple of days I feel like I've deflated like a balloon. Although yesterday my boobs did get sore again later in the day. I don't know what the hell's going on. I consulted the internet and sure enough, some women have these fluctuations and for others, it's a sign of an impending miscarriage. I can't handle it!!!! Everytime the answer is, every woman's different and every pregnancy is different. Couldn't there be some way to know? So I'm going to call my midwives and book another ultrasound. That's the only way I can get through this time. The nuchal ultrasound isn't until my 12th week and I'm just now 9 weeks. There's been no bleeding so I shouldn't suspect anything is wrong. What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I believe it will all work out okay? I feel so incredibly in the dark about what's happening in my own body. I hardly feel pregnant.

I wish someone from the midwives office would have called me by now. I've had no contact from any of them since that first visit, not even a follow up call about that first ultrasound. It would have been nice to celebrate that milestone with them. I'm grateful that Malcolm is here every step of the way. He's trying to reassure me that there is every reason to think that all is well. I really need some support through this first trimester. Why can't my healthcare professionals offer that? They must know that it's different for women who have had pregnancy losses in their first trimester. The midwife I met with was so young though. She was my age or younger. Maybe she has no clue what I might need. I guess I could tell them but I sort of feel that I don't want someone to make an effort because I ask them to. Also, I hate feeling like the "high maintenance" woman who needs a lot of hand holding (which is exactly who I am right now).

I've got the what if's. What if the baby has stopped growing? What if there's something genetically wrong with Malc and I? I hate even giving voice to these fears. I don't want to be fearful. I am willing to feel serene and calm. I figure that I have to know. That would ease my anxiety. And if I find out something negative from the ultrasound???? Then what? Not going to go there yet.

All supportive comments are welcome right now. My husband, the midwives and you are the only ones who know I'm pregnant.