The Complete Egg

The before, during and after of a molar pregnancy, with a side of chemo and a 12 month wait before ttc. And most recently: experience of a healthy pregnancy.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

I've been resisting a lot lately. Resisting writing, resisting walking, resisting being at work. I haven't felt very inspired for the past few days. I've had a few moments but mostly I've been resisting daily routines. I've been getting to work later and leaving earlier. That feels great but maybe it's not a good sign. Although, I've also poured my heart and soul into teaching for the last 4 years and maybe I'm now shifting priorities to honor this new life that is emerging. I don't know. Am I checking out? Maybe that's "normal". I know what it is. It's the January doldrums. It's the knowledge that the weather is rainy and dreary for the next 2 months and there are no holidays until Spring break in March. That's what it is. And so I need to plan some nice dates - plays, dinners, social events. And take a day off now and again to nurture myself.

I'm considering finding a doula. Maybe I don't need one but hey, any extra pampering/support is a big plus. I've signed up Malcolm and I for a prenatal class. I guess I'm in week 27. Almost into my 3rd trimester. I can't believe that. I feel like I should be bigger but the midwife assured me last week that my fundus is measuring within the range and the baby is kicking and fine. So I need to relax. Oh, that makes me think of booking a massage. That sounds good. We're trying to pay off debts though so I'm trying to conserve money. And I'm trying to go through our storage cupboard and clear out a bunch of crap. There's so much to do before I start mat leave. Maybe I can get some help from friends and Malc will definetly help. Ahhh, what the hell is wrong with me? I sound stressed out.
The baby kicks quite often now. I like it. I feel like I have some sort of pinched nerve in my back (sciatica?) which is disappointing because we just got a new bed which is so comfortable. It couldn't be related to our new, comfortable bed could it? I thought it would make such a difference. I did sleep better last night. Who knows?
I'm kind of bummed out that my last two entries have been negative. I'm using my sun lamp more now so maybe that will make a difference. SAD and all that. It has been really gloomy around here. I haven't talked to my friend since when I found out her daughter has cancer, but I was forwarded a website that is keeping us updated on her progress. Apparently, her tumor has shrunk quite significantly from the chemo treatments which is good news. I hope my friend is okay. Of course she's not but she's strong and loving and positive. Somehow she will make it through. She was one of my friends who was really genuine and compassionate when I was going through my chemo. I never would have dreamed that this would happen to her. Who would?
I resolve to be more positive next time. Send us some sunshine! Lord knows, I need it.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

I was going to start this post by talking about the new year and blah, blah, blah, but my heart is just not in it. My thoughts go immediately to my lovely friend - the most kind, peaceful person I think I have ever met. Her 5-year old daughter was diagnosed with cancer over Christmas. It takes all the breath out of me and leaves me numb. How can this be true? And not only is my friend reeling from this tragedy, but prior to her child's illness her husband told her that he's not "in love" with her anymore. My wonderful, loving friend who is the most genuine person, someone who have I have admired and aspired to be like. Since she told me yesterday, I don't know what to do with these feelings. "It's not fair!" keeps blasting through my mind. Somehow, T is putting one foot in front of the other and her love still shines through. I hope that I provided some support but I was just so shocked. And I still am. She said so many of the same things that I did after my levels went up and I had to go in for chemo....."Why is this happening to me?" was the most poignant. She feels as if the ground beneath her has suddenly disappeared. This life is so mysterious. How do we not take it personally? How can we not feel that this is being "done" to us? I have no answers.