Written on 5/7/08

Holy cow I'm tired right now. Gaaaahh. Okay, so life right now is composed of a lot of nursing...a lot. I am really looking forward to week 6 when I can start pumping and Malcolm can give him a bottle. I like breastfeeding, however I think that Liam has been having a growing spurt because he seems to be feeding ALL the time. Still, I am having the time of my life with this cool little babe. He has so much personality even being this small. It's amazing. He's mostly pretty chilled out but he has an impatient side too which he shows when he's hungry. He gives a lovely piercing scream. You wouldn't think it from looking at this angelic picture of him.

The postpartum period has been fairly good. It is certainly a charged time. There is so much to integrate and I've been exhausted. I have felt enormous love, paranoia (didn't want to hurt the baby by accident), and joy and sometimes all in the same moment. It has blown me away how much I LOVE Liam. Not only do I love him but I really like him too. He seems very thoughtful when I look into his eyes. There's already so much intelligence there.

I've been trying to finish this post now for over a week now. Liam is 5 weeks today. Things are starting to feel more settled. We wake up about twice in the night now which is pretty good. Feedings and changes can take up to 40 minutes though so for me, it's like he's waking up every 2 or 2.5 hours. I know it won't go on forever. Tomorrow we will go and purchase a pump so that I can express some milk and Malc can give him a bottle.

Now, to get off talking about my baby, I've been thinking about some women who might be reading this during their molar pregnancy journey. I remember that during that time I read babyfruit's blog (a woman who had experienced 4 miscarriages and then had a baby) and it helped me to feel not alone. I hope that this blog reaches out to others and gives them comfort and hope. You may be like I was and worry about whether or not you will be able to have a child. The chances are extremely high that you will have a baby and you will treasure that baby so much. I think that the miscarriages, the molar, and the chemo, have led me to be a better mother. I am so happy to be with Liam and I haven't once yet taken him for granted. I want other women who have had a molar pregnancy to take heart. What you are going through is incredibly hard and painful. Honor your experience. Grieve. Cry. Look for joy in small pleasures and keep faith that you will realize motherhood.