The Complete Egg

The before, during and after of a molar pregnancy, with a side of chemo and a 12 month wait before ttc. And most recently: experience of a healthy pregnancy.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Last week's post:
"Yesterday's midwife appointment went really well. We met with another midwife who we had seen way back during my first pregnancy. She's very cool and we both like her a lot. She is very experienced and seems like a person who is able to go with the flow.

I took the afternoon off which was very nice. What a great break. We got to hear the baby's heartbeat and some kicking. That was a relief and it didn't take her long to find the heartbeat either."

I haven't blogged in awhile. Full-time work and this particular job has an overwelming amount of work. I'm pooped. Three grades is just so much work and you can't repeat much from year to year. Malcolm is calling me to come to bed and I ought to go soon. If I'm not in bed before 10:30, I'm toast the next day.

Our mini-vacation is coming up soon and I can't wait. Following that, I will be writing report cards. God, I feel so boring. My writing tonight is just skimming the surface. Sometimes I feel like I don't write frequently enough and if I did, I would write about all the profound insights/moments in my life.

I am proud of myself for joining yoga. I may go to a prenatal class tomorrow. I'm eating fairly well. I still have a stuffy nose and cough but it's much better. I'm really grumpy. And sometimes small children annoy me these days. They're so immature (ha!). Working during pregnancy is ridiculous. It's so wrong to expect women to work full-time during the duration of their pregnancy. As if nothing much is going on within their bodies. It's typical of our society. We're fucking growing a baby inside our wombs! And I'm suppose to slave like a dog at this job with never-ending work. God, I'm sounding bitter tonight. Usually I don't feel this way but there was a staff meeting today and I'm just done. DONE. People can be so annoying. Sorry for the rant. Didn't mean for that to happen. I'm signing off now and not re-reading or spelling checking. The brat in me is coming out.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Things are starting to look up. I still have a cold but it is getting better every day. It's a nasty virus. Presently, my nose is stuffed up and I have a bad cough. I read somewhere that pregnant women are more susceptible to colds and illnesses. You'd think our immune system would be up and not down.

We went to "earthmomma's" house last night for a Halloween party. It was pretty relaxed. Her baby is just like her - happy, serene, easily-contented. She's such an easy baby to take care of according to her mom. It made me think again about how much is a crap shoot. Are we going to have a cranky baby or a calm baby that sleeps? Absolutely out of my control. I know that I'll love him/her no matter what. I have this feeling that it's going to be a boy (there are tons of boys in Malcolm's family). I never used to have a preference (like in my first pregnancy) but this time, for some reason, I want a girl. I'm dealing with so many boys at school all the time. Girls seem more calm. These are all my deep dark secrets that I have not said aloud. What the hell is with me? The most important thing is that the baby is born healthy. That's why I am so surprised that I am having these other thoughts.

I think that I have some anxiety about becoming a mother. Even the way I announced my pregnancy to my friend. I felt.....proud or something. Proud? Like, what's that all about? It's something I've wanted for so long. But I feel kind of....what? I don't really like telling people. With some people, it's because I feel like they think that all I want to do is get pregnant. That that's been the whole focus of my life. And I think that they think it's desperate. Why do I care what anyone thinks of me? Do I feel desperate? Since I was little, I felt like really good things did not often happen to me. I was so grateful when life sent some good luck my way. It did give me the feeling that I cling on to what's good in my life because I don't feel like it's mine and I feel like it will be taken away. Woa...that's weird. I didn't know I was feeling that way. I think that there is a part of me that feels like this goodness is fragile and fleeting.

This other teacher at work was fishing for information and then flat out asked me if I was pregnant. I was so irritated that she did this, which is strange because normally I really like her. She was taking that power of when I wanted to share out of my hands. It diminished the excitement about sharing. So far my experiences of sharing that I am pregnant have not been fulfilling. I want to change that. I also really don't think it's anyone else's business until I decide to share. In fact, maybe the trick is to not give anyone else a thought. Meaning, who cares if they know, who cares how they react and what they think. This is all mine and Malcolm's experience. I never cared what people thought about Malcolm when I introduced them. I was sure that he was what I wanted and that's all that mattered to me.

Work is really not helping me this year. I am so ready to move on from the school that I am at. There are some really exceptional teachers and students that I have learned from. But, I am done with the challenging students and their families. Every year, I have had 2 or 3 with difficult behaviors and for the past 2 years, I have had 3 grades (a multi-age classroom). It has sucked me dry a lot of the time.

Well, this post is ultra-honest. It's probably time that I get super honest with myself. Get to what is really important. I'm ready for this new phase of life that is coming. I really want a shift. I wish I could shake the insecure feelings away. I would love to have absolute confidence that everything will go right with this pregnancy and baby. I'm working towards that. I actually have felt more confidence about this pregnancy since that nuchal ultrasound. And now I'm at 15 weeks so I am past the first trimester. 15 weeks. It's kind of hard to believe. I don't feel like I have much of a bump but it's more like I feel like I am putting on weight in my belly. I'd like to start a prenatal exercise class this week. I need to get more exercise.

Malc and I have this lovely escape weekend planned for 2 weeks from now. We're going to a resort on Saltspring island. It's going to be awesome. And I have a massage scheduled. It's exactly what we both need. I'm so glad I spontaneously booked it. We need some time to focus on us. Work and chores get in the way at times. And there is so much going on under the surface, as I discovered this morning with writing.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Bad Day

I'm sick....again. I was so worried that I was feverish but I took my temperature and it never got to 38C or above which is considered fever range. I did start taking Tylenol and that helped a lot. I'm so angry that I'm sick. I've been focussing so carefully on trying to stay in balance and here I am, sick again. It makes me sad and upset.

I'm fighting with Malcolm too. And I was a dragon teacher today. Needless to say, I'm taking the day off work tomorrow. Or maybe 2. Every week there's something though. This week it is parent-teacher interviews. Two late nights. I'm so done.

Not a positive post. I'll try for that next time. Hope baby's okay. Have a midwife appt scheduled for next week.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Not sure what I want to write about tonight but I felt the urge. I reread my previous two posts and noticed all of the errors. I vow to reread before I hit publish. Sometimes I just don't care.

So, I'm feeling good. Well actually, I'm feeling bloated tonight and exhausted. Had a really intense meeting regarding a student of mine. That left me feeling tired. However, I still feel positive about this pregnancy and growing baby. I can now feel my uterus popping up above the pubic bone. I have to try and get some exercise every day. I hopped on our exercise bicycle tonight and pedalled for 30 minutes. At least that's a start.

I'm in my 13th week. Do I start my second trimester in the 14th week or at the end of the 14th week? Somehow, that's an important milestone for me. I was freaking out last night about some pains I was having. I'm pretty sure that they were gas pains, however I went into some slight panic mode. Is there any such thing as "slight" panic mode? Everything has been okay today. No pains.

I'd love to have more down time. Wouldn't everybody? I know I have it pretty good. I'm lucky to have a job and a loving, supportive husband, friends, family. Life is good. Maybe I have a habit of complaining because it's a bit more interesting than "life is good". I totally refrained there from complaining. It was just on the tip of my fingertips to let loose the vent but I will refrain.

Looks like I don't really have that much to write about. I'll be off to read some other blogs for inspiration. Until next time.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Back from Edmonton

Life feels far too busy right now. We got back from Edmonton last night. It was Malc's 20th highschool reunion. I tagged along to visit with his parents. It was a good weekend but kind of draining. We told them about our pregnancy and that was a bit weird. Maybe I wasn't quite ready yet to share. My fil was really excited and showed it. My mil had a more measured response, shall we say. Malcolm thinks she may be anxious for us. She had a lot of questions about midwife care. It seems that she thought we should have a doctor but she never came right out and said it. I love them dearly. I guess I didn't realize that I had certain expectations about how they would react. Plus, this wasn't the first time that we had announced a pregnancy. It was weird and I still feel so protective. I don't want to share the news. Has anyone else felt this way?

Will right more soon once things calm down a bit. Full time work - blak.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

I can relax now

Note: I'm sorry. I thought I had published this but apparently I didn't. How distracted is that? I didn't mean to cause any worry. There's enough of that that none of us need any more.

Phew! The nuchal's done and it went really well. Our baby has fingers and toes. We saw him or her move! So cool. I felt like I was going to vomit before we went in (and it wasn't pregnancy symptoms). It was from sheer anxiety and terror. Fortunately, the (young) doctor was calm and was able to reassure us quite quickly that the fetus was (is) present and does have a heartbeat. Everything checks out and our baby's risk for certain abnormalities is low (like 1 in 10,000). So we don't have to go on to the more invasive tests like CVS or amnio. I feel such relief and amazement. I was again prepared for the worst and I really need to stop that. So I feel great and I'm glad I had taken the whole day off to celebrate with my husband. We had a awesome day together.

Friday, October 05, 2007

I'm listening to Melissa's Etheridge's newest album "The Awakening". It's really good. It's helping me through this time. I love when an album or book or TV show finds its way to you at the right time. It's good magic.

I've got my nuchal ultrasound on Tuesday. I'm taking a full day off. I am scared. I think I might feel more confident if I had major pregnancy symptoms but they've been so minimal lately and I have no baby bump. The (private) clinic that I have to go to for this ultrasound makes me feel stressed. I'm not sure exactly why. I guess it's because I have no relationships with anyone there. Deep breath. I need to refocus to the present moment. I get going so fast with work that I think it takes me out of the moment. Always planning ahead or feeling behind. Life of a teacher.

I'm going to take this weekend to be nurturing to myself. To be thankful. I'm so thankful for my husband. That came so naturally and we have a great relationship. I am thankful for my parents who are less than perfect but perfectly themselves. I am thankful for the new connections I've made at work with other teachers. I am thankful for music and for magic moments with kids and students. I am thankful for this incredible fall day.

I want to take long walks alone in nature. I want a puppy. I want to paint. I want lots of hugs. I want this baby. I want to worry less. I want to be more present. I want to cry more. I want to read more and enjoy all forms of entertainment. I want to go to the Art Gallery and see plays. I want to see huge spectacles. I want to go to the farmer's market and buy yummy food.

What's your "I want" list?