Things are starting to look up. I still have a cold but it is getting better every day. It's a nasty virus. Presently, my nose is stuffed up and I have a bad cough. I read somewhere that pregnant women are more susceptible to colds and illnesses. You'd think our immune system would be up and not down.

We went to "earthmomma's" house last night for a Halloween party. It was pretty relaxed. Her baby is just like her - happy, serene, easily-contented. She's such an easy baby to take care of according to her mom. It made me think again about how much is a crap shoot. Are we going to have a cranky baby or a calm baby that sleeps? Absolutely out of my control. I know that I'll love him/her no matter what. I have this feeling that it's going to be a boy (there are tons of boys in Malcolm's family). I never used to have a preference (like in my first pregnancy) but this time, for some reason, I want a girl. I'm dealing with so many boys at school all the time. Girls seem more calm. These are all my deep dark secrets that I have not said aloud. What the hell is with me? The most important thing is that the baby is born healthy. That's why I am so surprised that I am having these other thoughts.

I think that I have some anxiety about becoming a mother. Even the way I announced my pregnancy to my friend. I felt.....proud or something. Proud? Like, what's that all about? It's something I've wanted for so long. But I feel kind of....what? I don't really like telling people. With some people, it's because I feel like they think that all I want to do is get pregnant. That that's been the whole focus of my life. And I think that they think it's desperate. Why do I care what anyone thinks of me? Do I feel desperate? Since I was little, I felt like really good things did not often happen to me. I was so grateful when life sent some good luck my way. It did give me the feeling that I cling on to what's good in my life because I don't feel like it's mine and I feel like it will be taken away. Woa...that's weird. I didn't know I was feeling that way. I think that there is a part of me that feels like this goodness is fragile and fleeting.

This other teacher at work was fishing for information and then flat out asked me if I was pregnant. I was so irritated that she did this, which is strange because normally I really like her. She was taking that power of when I wanted to share out of my hands. It diminished the excitement about sharing. So far my experiences of sharing that I am pregnant have not been fulfilling. I want to change that. I also really don't think it's anyone else's business until I decide to share. In fact, maybe the trick is to not give anyone else a thought. Meaning, who cares if they know, who cares how they react and what they think. This is all mine and Malcolm's experience. I never cared what people thought about Malcolm when I introduced them. I was sure that he was what I wanted and that's all that mattered to me.

Work is really not helping me this year. I am so ready to move on from the school that I am at. There are some really exceptional teachers and students that I have learned from. But, I am done with the challenging students and their families. Every year, I have had 2 or 3 with difficult behaviors and for the past 2 years, I have had 3 grades (a multi-age classroom). It has sucked me dry a lot of the time.

Well, this post is ultra-honest. It's probably time that I get super honest with myself. Get to what is really important. I'm ready for this new phase of life that is coming. I really want a shift. I wish I could shake the insecure feelings away. I would love to have absolute confidence that everything will go right with this pregnancy and baby. I'm working towards that. I actually have felt more confidence about this pregnancy since that nuchal ultrasound. And now I'm at 15 weeks so I am past the first trimester. 15 weeks. It's kind of hard to believe. I don't feel like I have much of a bump but it's more like I feel like I am putting on weight in my belly. I'd like to start a prenatal exercise class this week. I need to get more exercise.

Malc and I have this lovely escape weekend planned for 2 weeks from now. We're going to a resort on Saltspring island. It's going to be awesome. And I have a massage scheduled. It's exactly what we both need. I'm so glad I spontaneously booked it. We need some time to focus on us. Work and chores get in the way at times. And there is so much going on under the surface, as I discovered this morning with writing.