The Complete Egg

The before, during and after of a molar pregnancy, with a side of chemo and a 12 month wait before ttc. And most recently: experience of a healthy pregnancy.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

It's almost June. It's almost summer vacation, it's almost summer vacation, it's almost summer vacation. I teach 3 grades - 1, 2 and 3. Majority boys and 5 kids with special needs. It's a Montessori program so we are always differentiating the curriculum for each learner. On the good days, it's a gong show. It's also very amazing and inspiring to share time with children ages 6 to 9.

Right now my home is filled with flowers - peonies, irises, roses. I'm in heaven. We had a birthday party last night for Malcolm. It was truly the best party I have been to in awhile. We haven't thrown a party in a very long while and it really came together. Everyone enjoyed our patio, the food and the company. It was a lot of fun!

Malc, myself and my friend went to THE POLICE last wednesday. It rocked! Another thing I haven't done in a long time - go to a rock concert. It was totally inspiring. I had no expectations and I had so much fun.

Life seems to feel a little lighter these days. Maybe it's the change in temperature and weather. I've got to start report card writing though so I better sign off.

Today, I feel like the summer will be a good time to ttc. I've decided that I won't get hcg readings though. I will just get the early ultrasound to confirm the health of the pregnancy. I don't want to stress about the hcg readings. It's not an exact science and everyone's pregnancy seems to be different. I wish I felt no trepidation about trying again but I'm terrified. If I have another loss, I know that I will keep trying but with a broken heart. I want to keep love at the centre of all of this. Parenting is such a selfless act. It's asks you to give so much of yourself at all times. I have to treat this whole process as a practice. A practice in impermanence. A practice in being present, in letting go, in love, in hope. My heart has cracked open numerous times now and each time, it's a choice about whether or not to stay open or build the shell. I want my heart to continue to soften, not harden with the experiences life presents to me.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Four day long weekend here. It's great to have a break from work and catch up on sleep. I wish I was feeling a bit more "up". The weather has been grey and rainy so maybe it's because of that that I am feeling blah. I am going to go for a walk to Granville market and have one of their great lattes. I got a haircut on Friday and I am really happy with it.

Malc and I both have our passports now so we are working on booking tickets to New York for the summer. Then we're going to travel around Eastern Canada. I'm looking forward to that. Would like to ttc in the summer and haven't made up my mind completely about that. We have a recommendation to another doctor (gp) and I may ask her opinion. Maybe she could call my oncologist for a consult. He seemed to think that after 6 months would be fine but that I would need to be followed closely during pregnancy. This is assuming that I would get pregnant right away. It may take 3 or 4 months. Who knows? My last two pregnancies happened right away. I am getting so bored of debating this with myself. I wish I felt strongly one way or the other. I seem to feel equally yes and no for starting to try in July. If you were me, what would you do?

Well, I'm off for my walk. I'm sure some exercise will do me well in clearing my mind.

Monday, May 14, 2007

Still in a funky mood but feeling slightly better. I had a pretty good day today and it's only a 4 day week. I'm trying to blog more regularly to give a more accurate view of my moods. Although, I think I choose to blog when I need to get things off my chest.

I'm on day 31 waiting for my period. That's nothing to panic about but I still don't like having to be concerned. Must try to relax.

Had a nice dinner (including wine and all) out on our new and improved patio this evening. Every night is Friday night now. It's starting to warm up now and we're getting a lot more sunshine. That always give a mood boost.
I haven't splurged on much self-care recently. I used to be going for massages and it was great. I suppose I ought to try and do that some more because it made a big difference and I found someone that I really like. I find that if I don't do these nice things for myself then I start to slip back towards working too much. That seems to be my default.

All of the sudden, I'm really tired. I think the carbs just hit my system and I'm having an energy slump. Time to go. I think I'll try to keep this up. It's good to write a bit even if it's nothing exciting.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Random thoughts smeared on a page

Thought I'd post this even though I wrote it on Thursday:

"I really ought to blog more often. I'm feeling somewhat lonely when it comes to this whole waiting process. I feel kind of lost in the shuffle, if that makes any sense.

A teacher/friend brought her new (18 days) baby in for a visit today. It was a truly beautiful baby. Unbelieveably beautiful. Because I like the mom so much, it made it easier to hug her and her baby. I truly felt awed by seeing them both. Alongside that awed feeling was the sorrow and the anger of what's lost. Ah, it sounds melodramatic but I know that others relate to this. It's almost like these feelings bubble up from the animal instinct part of ourselves. This mom made it all look so easy too. She seemed her same ol' self and she was lovin' her babe. She's an earthmomma.

I am so done with waiting. I am f*ckin fed up with it. Can I put this any other way or write about this anymore? All my posts from November to now are "I can't stand this waiting"."

Now it's Sunday..."Mother's Day". Not the fondest of days to me, even without the crap from the past year. I'm reading a totally depressing, but gripping novel called "My Sister's Keeper" which is all about a mom going to great lengths to save her little girl whose dying from leukemia. This is the book my book club picked out. It is so good but so sad. They have another child, a "designer baby" that is able to be a bone marrow donar for her dying sister. Later in life, this teenage girl decides to sue her parents for control over her body. She feels that there will never be an end to her donar role and her sister is just living to die.

How come I just picked this book up yesterday? Coincidence? Had a good cry last night though, probably partly as a result of reading this story and all the other things happening in my life. Work has feels like my school is in constant transitian and everyone is just coping and reacting. (sigh) Feeling down today. Not connecting with my own mother either.

On a positive note, I transformed our patio. Did some gardening and now it is a peaceful oasis of calm and tranquility. Just hope those pesky birds don't come back and crap all over the deck (haha). Also, bought myself some acrilyic paints. Thought this would inspire me to create.

Did I mention that I'm waiting for my period? So hormones are wacky to boot. Man, I gotta get out of this funk I'm in right now.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Poor Me

My throat is so sore. I got better from my cold and now I am sick again. Poor me. I'm having a poor me day. I really should be staying home again tomorrow but my sick days were all used up before I went on short-term disability (poor me). If I want to get paid, I have to fill out 3 long forms and have my doctor fill out one and then send them off to my union (poor me). I'm tired and more tired (everyone together, "Poor me").

I kind of use this blog as a place to sob and complain, or at least that's the way it feels. I am forgetting that anyone can read it. It's become my diary. I used to write in my diary daily and I haven't done that in awhile. It would probably help me if I did. I've been feeling somewhat disconnected in a way. I need to recharge. Off to bed I go.