Random thoughts smeared on a page

Thought I'd post this even though I wrote it on Thursday:

"I really ought to blog more often. I'm feeling somewhat lonely when it comes to this whole waiting process. I feel kind of lost in the shuffle, if that makes any sense.

A teacher/friend brought her new (18 days) baby in for a visit today. It was a truly beautiful baby. Unbelieveably beautiful. Because I like the mom so much, it made it easier to hug her and her baby. I truly felt awed by seeing them both. Alongside that awed feeling was the sorrow and the anger of what's lost. Ah, it sounds melodramatic but I know that others relate to this. It's almost like these feelings bubble up from the animal instinct part of ourselves. This mom made it all look so easy too. She seemed her same ol' self and she was lovin' her babe. She's an earthmomma.

I am so done with waiting. I am f*ckin fed up with it. Can I put this any other way or write about this anymore? All my posts from November to now are "I can't stand this waiting"."

Now it's Sunday..."Mother's Day". Not the fondest of days to me, even without the crap from the past year. I'm reading a totally depressing, but gripping novel called "My Sister's Keeper" which is all about a mom going to great lengths to save her little girl whose dying from leukemia. This is the book my book club picked out. It is so good but so sad. They have another child, a "designer baby" that is able to be a bone marrow donar for her dying sister. Later in life, this teenage girl decides to sue her parents for control over her body. She feels that there will never be an end to her donar role and her sister is just living to die.

How come I just picked this book up yesterday? Coincidence? Had a good cry last night though, probably partly as a result of reading this story and all the other things happening in my life. Work has been....it feels like my school is in constant transitian and everyone is just coping and reacting. (sigh) Feeling down today. Not connecting with my own mother either.

On a positive note, I transformed our patio. Did some gardening and now it is a peaceful oasis of calm and tranquility. Just hope those pesky birds don't come back and crap all over the deck (haha). Also, bought myself some acrilyic paints. Thought this would inspire me to create.

Did I mention that I'm waiting for my period? So hormones are wacky to boot. Man, I gotta get out of this funk I'm in right now.