People say stupid things. I wish everyone would talk less and listen more. Especially when they have no idea of what to say.

I was talking to a new staff member at our school and I let her know that I was still getting to know a student because I started back in January. She assumed that I was "filling in" for the previous teacher. I said no I had been on leave and she said, "Oh, maternity leave?" with big smiles. Ah, NO!! I was very polite and with a forced smile said "no, medical leave" and left out the "just shut up" part that I was itching to add. Really, I should have let it rip and opened her eyes to the wacky things that can go wrong with pregnancy but that few people talk about - like getting a precancerous condition from a pregnancy. That would have blown her mind. Poor thing. She would have likely just felt pity and "oh, that poor woman" and I just couldn't go there. People do that because they don't want to feel like it could happen to them too. They want to believe that tragedy only strikes those who are unlucky. But every tragedy effects everyone and eventually everyone has a tragedy. I remember hearing from this one woman who had a molar pregnancy a long time ago and the women that she worked with treated her like she was contaminated.

I had another experience this week though that affirmed to me that women need to talk more about their pregnancy losses. A parent of one of my students shared with me how she had had multiple miscarriages before her son was born and multiple miscarriages after when her and her husband were trying to have more children. I'm not sure if she had heard of my experience somehow through the grapevine. She shared it easily as if we were having a conversation about the weather. It came up as we were talking about how her and her husband met. Her son was present and piped up "Mommy, what's a miscarriage?" and the way she explained it was that the baby "went away" and was no longer in mommy's tummy. That seemed to satisfy him and he didn't have any further questions but I wonder what he really thought about that. This mom is Thai and Buddhist and I wonder how pregnancy losses are viewed in the Thai culture.

That had an impact on me all day, how she felt so at ease (it seemed) talking about her personal tragedy. It can help others when we share our experiences, both positive and tragic. I'm so happy that they have a son who happens to be really bright and inquisitive.

It's beautiful and sunny here today. When I first got up, the fog was slowly lifting and it was so magical. I feel a bit sad today. I know there is no answer for why I had to go through this. It's how I am throughout this experience that counts. I want to be authentic and open to feeling my feelings. Perhaps, slowly, I will begin to talk and be more open about what I've gone and am going through.