Can't Sleep Again

Second night in a row. I think it's from the caffeine in that nice pot of tea I had today at the Art Gallery. What a great cafe they have there. The food is good, you can order beer or wine, the deserts are heavenly and the people are interesting to look at and listen to.

Did I mention how I hate not being able to sleep? Because usually I am such a good sleeper. My brother says he's a "good eater" and usually I'm a "good sleeper". I can sleep for 12 hours no problem. I absolutely hate lying in bed at night and trying to get to sleep. It's just not like that for me. I read from my book then I feel sleepy, turn out the light and go to sleep. That simple.

So as I was lying in bed tonight this thought was bugging me. I came across something that said that when we are fearful of something, it is more likely to manifest that fear. And I wonder: Is that really true? Because we all know that shit happens. All the time to all kinds of people, who are not fearing something shitty is going to happen to them. But if you are fearful of something and it continues to haunt you, does that really make it more likely to happen? I don't think that's true.

The reason I don't think that's true is because I don't think my worry about my second pregnancy caused me to have a molar pregnancy. The genetics were not in the egg. Period. It was bad luck. I think this is bothering me because at one point I think I believed that our thoughts create our reality. You know, the New Age patter. I think that it's a lot more complicated that that. I mean, there's what's happening and then there's our thoughts about what's happening. And I don't think it's that easy either. What do I know?

Not to say that I want to be fearful of things. I don't. I don't want to worry because I know it doesn't do any good. Well, at least most of me knows. There is still this small part that believes that the worry will keep the bad things from ever happening. A hopeless thought. I do want to focus on positive images instead of dwelling on scary "possibilities".

I've come to believe now that everytime I have a worry about the future, it is equivalent to a little meditation bell going off so that I can pull myself back to the present moment. This is one of my "great" lessons from this experience. It is a chance to practice being where I am in the moment. When I realize that I'm just sitting or standing or lying down, whenever I just ground myself in the here in and now, I feel more peaceful. Of course, it's easy for me to say that during these days when I have little to no demands on me. How will it be when life speeds up considerably in the New Year when I go back to work? The way I see it, it doesn't matter. If I'm feeling bad it's because I'm spinning off in my mind or maybe I just need a good cry or a hug or some exercise or more sleep.

I continue to wonder whether I'll keep blogging. I mean, I have my journals. I guess that I have enjoyed reading about other women's trials to have a baby. And there's this (big) part of me that wants this blog at some point to become about my new pregnancy and the birth of my first child. If it could help even one person who has a molar pregnancy and goes through the wait time, then this blog will be worth it.

I had a wise friend recently who said: "Yeah, your eyes have been opened by the things you have experienced and now, no matter where you are or who you are with, you will be those open eyes." And it took me a little while for that to sink in. In other words, I can have a deeper understanding of some things than I did before and bring that awareness to my relationships with others. It might be with a group where I am the only one with that understanding. The understanding that comes from living it. We are so interconnected and the internet really demonstrates it.