Measuring in

- 10 months 7 days before we can try again
- 1 month, 21 days beta hcg's at zero
- 2 weeks, 4 days until my husband and I go to Hawaii
- 1 month, 9 days until I start work again

When I look at those numbers, it makes me feel like I'm living in the past or the future. Who am I right now?

Actually, I feel really content right at this moment. When I don't think about the past or the future, I feel really happy. I can sit here, drink my tea and write. It's terrific!

When I think about the past, I feel sad and resentful. I think "Why me?". I feel like someone has been taken away from me and I will forever feel that "ghost limb"...that part of me that has been taken away. I feel like that energy, that potential was wasted. What was the point? What was the point of all of those changes in my body when that life was not meant to be on this plane.

When I think of the future I feel anxious but also hopeful. I worry about the blood tests and whether the GTN will come back. I worry about if we should try to conceive after 6 months, instead of 12. I worry about whether it will be more difficult to get pregnant now after I've had a d&c. Will I ever have a successful pregnancy, a healthy baby, an easy birth? It's never-ending.

So, for right now, I'm going to stay in right now because it is so simple and easy. I can look out at the snowy winterland outside and I'm warm, I'm comfortable, well fed, with no pain. All is well.