Faith, Forgiveness and Sleepless Nights

I can't sleep again. Some nights it just hits me and if I lie in bed it just seems to intensify the insomnia. Insomnia is very distressing to me. I've always been a good sleeper. And when I don't get enough sleep I get really messed up and usually sick with a cold.

Lying in bed I was telling M about how I feel that the Universe doesn't really care about me and my life. I liked what he had to say in response. He said that he thinks that the Universe (aka God) is so big and complex that it is not totally possible for us to comprehend. But there does seem to be a tendency towards harmony. He used the analogy of cells in our body, saying that we don't worry about or pay attention to each individual cell in our body but we do want them all to be healthy. The organizing force in the universe does care about the health of its individual parts.

I guess I don't need to take the events of the past few months personally. That sounds totally ridiculous because how could I not help but take all of the events in the last few months personally? But there is something to that. I think. I am scatching my foggy insomniac brain.

I do feel like I need to make peace with God. I've usually felt quite connected with that loving creative force. But since these two great losses, I feel somewhat forgotten or betrayed. And it's not that I haven't had tragedy in my life before. My parents divorced when I was young, my brother died a few years ago, I've lost a number of relatives who I was close with. Throughout all of that I did not feel like what I do now. Now, I understand that bad things happen to good people and we don't have a lot of control about what happens to us. We do have control about how we will respond to any given situation.

I also think that the universe does have intelligence and consciousness, but it is also a random system. I'm not sure any(big)ONE decides what will happen to who and when and how. Things happen.

I still believe that everything is connected and life is essentially good. I guess that's what I have faith in...that life is essentially good even with all of the loss and heartache.