The Complete Egg

The before, during and after of a molar pregnancy, with a side of chemo and a 12 month wait before ttc. And most recently: experience of a healthy pregnancy.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Phantom Pains

Throughout this whole molar pregnancy experience, I have been getting to know my body in a new way. There has been no frame of reference for various aches and pains or types of bleeding. What was "normal"? I didn't even present the "normal" classic symptom of molar pregnancy - extreme vomitting (not that I'm complaining about that).

It has demanded that I develop trust in my body as a healing organism and I have to admit, I wasn't always ready or able to do that. It felt like my body had betrayed me. Why wasn't there any kind of fail-safe mechanism for when a sperm fertilizes an empty egg? Why instead would the placenta grow out of control and become, essentially, a tumour that if left untreated could kill me? Weird and weird again.

How can I heal this relationship with my body? Physical activity helps. I've been focussing on trying to walk briskly every day. Yoga would probably help (why do I keep cheaping out when I see the $16 drop-in price?). Dance? Something, anything to get me into my body and out of my head where I tend to spin off into worry/obsess mode. Like what is this nagging pain in my left arm that's been there for a few days now? Is it from doing too many reps with hand weights (something I haven't done in a looong time) or is it something to be concerned about?

I think that the worry mode about health is partly a cultural thing. I wonder about how people in other (tribal non-Western) societies deal with their aches and pains: ignore it, adapt and live with it, go and see the shaman so that you can adapt your mind to live with it. Maybe it's even a generational thing. My aunt, age 81, cannot bend her wrist because of who knows what and she refuses to go to a doctor. She claims that it doesn't bother her and that she can manage.

So I've got to make peace with my worry. I've got to sit with it, get to know it, and watch it dissolve. Maybe if I heal the worry then perhaps the pain will lessen, or at least I won't be afraid of it. Because I want to trust my body again.

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