Those Buddhists are Really Cheerful

I'm currently reading "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron. Seems like an appropriate title for this time in my life. I read the chapter last night on 'Hopelessness and Death'. I know, cheery bedtime reading. Somehow the ideas really worked for me. She writes about how most of us try to avoid discomfort all of the time. The discomfort could come in the form of loss, illness, or changes in a relationship or job. Chodron encourages us to relax with the discomfort and lovingly be with who we are and where we are. Give up hope, therefore being hopeless, that there is a better you in the future.

Basically, I understand this to mean that if I'm always trying to "hide" from discomfort, I am spending a lot of time and energy not really being with what is in the moment. I can choose to accept all aspects of myself and my experience, even if it brings up insecurities.

I feel like I've been putting a lot of pressure on myself lately and I know that it's all an attempt to escape from staying present focussed. I've got it in my mind that we need to be moved by Jan.1st, have a new car for the New Year and go on a fabulous trip before I go back to work in January. Wow. Just writing that down makes me laugh. But even knowing that I'm trying to hide from my discomfort right now, I still cling to the idea that once I have these things then life will be better. I can't stand the thought of not having these things in place by January.

I don't want to put myself on hold until life is "better". I want to relax with what is right now.

So what is right now? Well, there is a mocking voice in my head that says my writing is boring and asks why am I doing it. There is tension and restlessness in my body. There is worry about the pain in my arm, the fact that I have to go grocery shopping, my somewhat hermitlike behavior. There is also an intense exhaustion...like I could sleep for days. There it is. I'm not hiding. I think the next step is to understand that this will change, just like everything in life always changes. I will not feel these things forever.

Next chapter: Widening the Circle of Compassion