Today is my estimated due date for my first pregnancy. I didn't think I would want to write about it but it seems I do. I feel like I have a parallel life next to mine and in that other life I am very pregnant and off on maternity leave. I imagine I would be happy, uncomfortable, excited, scared and wanting to have the baby.

I expected to be pregnant again right now. I guess I take comfort in knowing that other women know this feeling that I'm having. I would rather not have it happen but at least I'm not alone. Women go through so much heartache.

I don't know how to mark this day or even if I want to. I remember feeling the same way shortly after I lost the baby. Did we want to have a ceremony? We thought we'd try. We went down to the beach with a candle and no idea of what we were going to do. We thought we might light the candle but it was so windy that it kept blowing out. Then we decided that we would build a paper boat and let it float away. Ha,ha,ha...neither of us could remember how to fold a paper boat. After struggling with that for awhile we finally got some boat shape and then tried to set it afloat. The first wave poured into the pathetic, little boat and we watched on as it sunk. It seemed fitting somehow. I think I actually laughed (maybe so I wouldn't scream??) but M was really solemn and sad about how it sunk. The next day he presented me with a proper paper boat (pictured at the top) and we've had it resting in our bookcase ever since. Now I'm wondering if today it is time to set it float. We had thought that maybe we'd wait until our next baby was born but after everything else....I don't know, it feels like it is time to let it go...the boat, that is. We can always make another boat and float it with our child. It could be a yearly ritual perhaps. Or whenever we feel like it.