Teiwaz - Warrior Energy

"This is the rune of the Spiritual Warrior. With Teiwaz comes certain knowledge that the universe always has the first move. Patience is the virtue of this Rune. Teiwaz is a Rune of courage and dedication. In ancient times it was this glyph warriors painted on their shields before battle." (The Book of Runes by Ralph Blum)

I drew this rune today and it seems to fit. I am struggling with accepting that all of this - pregnancy, miscarriage, molar pregnancy - it is not at all within my control. I am trying to accept the year long wait, these 4 months off work, the chemo, the loss of a baby, the loss of another pregnancy. It seems to have become a practice with each breath...whether I can accept everything that is happening to me.

I was writing last night about how I tried to come to terms with M not wanting to try for a baby when I did. I was ready a lot earlier than he was (two years earlier as it turns out). I knew that the more that I brought it up and put pressure on him, the less he would be willing to consider it. So, I decided that I needed to let go of that fear of us never having children because if I held on to it, it would contribute to its delay. Somehow I was able to let it go....for 2 years. Now, here we are and we are both so ready and again I am having to face my fears about this. We would have been expecting our first baby this October if our first pregnancy had worked out. We now have a year wait from when my hcg levels get to zero (I'm hoping that that's within the month). Again, I have to find a way to have patience and accept this. I want to work to create a full life for myself and agonizing about something that I can't change will not lead to feeling whole. How did I do it last time? Of course it is different than last time. I didn't have a baby(or the potential of a baby) and then see it die. My dreams and hopes were still intact. Will I feel this ache, this longing, for the whole year? I refuse to be this loss. I'm committed to grieving when it is appropriate but I do not want to become this loss. I'm sure once I am working again that much of my attention will be occupied. Currently, I have so much time on my hands that it's difficult to be distracted and I am reminded every two weeks by the trip to the Cancer Agency. The next visit is coming up this Monday. I can't believe that it's almost here again already. I know that I am more than this experience. I can and will get through this.