Empty Egg, Empty Mind

I had a dream last night that I was in my childhood room and it was a total mess. There were clothes all over the floor and piles and piles of crap everywhere. I started cleaning up and when I finished it was neat and tidy. I felt better but I still didn't want to live there. I looked around and I felt somewhat depressed. What does that mean?

I feel like I am in the process of becoming empty. It seems like there are these cycles in life. I'm in this free-float state where I don't really know what I want to do, I don't have a purpose, I'm not sure what I want in my life. I've been here before. It makes me question everything about my life. I am that person to whom people say "You think too much." Yeah, thanks for that. Believe me, there are days I'd rather not think.

I met a women, another patient, at the cancer agency. She has stomach cancer and has been told that there is not much more they can do. She had been a flight attendant and had travelled a lot. She talked about this one trip to France that had been a magical trip. She described how she was visiting this small town and happened upon this festival called "Les Batailles des Fleurs" (Battle of flowers). Boats of all kinds crowded into the bay and people on the boats threw flowers at each other. So, this woman rented a small boat and rowed out in between these huge, old schooners and watched the carnations and roses float above her and fall beside her in the water. Isn't that the most beautiful image?

Someone told me once how difficult times provide a contrast or barometer for the ecstatic times in life. I guess that's the whole yin/yang thing. If I didn't know what cold was, how could I know what hot is? I'm emptying out so that I can fill up and begin again. I'm crying so that I can laugh again.