It's been 5 months since I've had a period. 5 months. My body must be so confused. My hcg should be down below 5 in the next week or so, in which case I should be able to ovulate and then have a period. Dr. H said that the chemo sometimes interferes with the menstrual cycle so I might not get it until after I finish chemo. I am looking forward to having a normal cycle again.

I found out that the methotrexate drug is also used to treat brain tumors but it's used at a much stronger dose. According to my nurse, methotrexate is one of the few chemo drugs that passes the blood-brain barrier. So some of my brain cells are being killed off. Hence the phrase "chemo brain". I tend to be a bit less sharp in the few days following chemo.

I've done much better in the past few days than in the previous treatments. I wonder why? Some family members kept telling me that the chemo may be cumulative and the side effects may get more severe. That was very reassuring of them. Fortunately, that hasn't been the case with me and I'm doing very well this time around. I also haven't gotten sick on top of it. Sometimes you can get colds and other things because your immune system is down.

The apartment hunt continues. I suspect that I'm trying to distract myself and create a purposeful project so that I can feel that this time isn't wasted. Silly. I need to get that I am enough. It's not what I do or accomplish but who I am and how I am in the world. I realize now that I've been stressed out since April when I had my first miscarriage. My body has become acclimatized to anxiety and seems to want to produce that state even when there's nothing to be anxious about. That's something new to look at. I resolve to let myself relax and do nothing.