I'm struggling tonight because this is not exactly a private diary so I'd feel funny about swearing like a truck driver but that is exactly what I want to do. There was a screw-up today and I was suppose to come in to the cancer clinic tomorrow. Luckily, one of the previous nurses agreed to take me. She is very nice and understood that it's a big deal for us to get prepared for this, even though it's only overnight. Then when you're in the building you just want to get it over with and not have to come back. She got my chemo started by 12:30 which is a record I think. We bought her a bottle of wine because we were so thankful. I could go into more detail but I won't here. I'm at a computer in the lounge.

I won't find out about my hcg levels until tomorrow. It's a stat holiday here being Thanksgiving and all. My husband and I had a great dinner last night, just the two of us. It was wonderful until after dinner when we had a spat. Not a fight but getting there. I think we were both stressed out about today. We're just tired of it. It's at the point where it's getting wearing.

My mom came and visited me tonight. M took off at around 7pm which was early for him. He works early tomorrow though so I know he needs some relax time. I'm grateful that he comes in. I hate being here alone. I think I'm just going to go watch DVDs and block this all out. I do hate being here, especially overnight. I need to be grateful though that I don't have many treatments left and I will be okay.

I had a good talk with my therapist the other day. I actually pinpointed when I was spinning off into anxiety. I could feel it in my body and once I admitted that I was going to the worse case senario, I was able to realize that I was "in" anxiety and I could let it go. I know why I go to that place and it's because I think that if I consider the worse case senario then I will be protected from being hurt by it. I realize that all this rationalizing does not change my emotional feelings about everything. No matter how much I try to rationalize my way out of something traumatic, I will still feel sad and pain. The anxiety doesn't alleviate it. It's a control thing I'm sure. I'm wanting to be in control of an out of control situation. I guess that becoming more aware of it is the first step.

This is related to the argument that M and I had. Sort of. Actually, I think we were both on the same side. He doesn't want me to be thinking about worse-case senarios when we next try to have a baby. He basically communicated that that made things worse in the last pregnancy. I agree. I didn't know how to not feel anxious because I knew that something was not right in the first ultrasound and so I freaked and started looking for info on the internet.

I want to be in a really good headspace next time. Have a good midwife or doctor, be exercising and feeling strong, in a positive frame of mind, have hope and faith in the process. It's coming.