Duh!

I just had a new awareness and well, that's good, right? I've been reading blogs about women who are using IVF and I'm becoming educated and I really see how ignorant I have been. I totally admit it. Ignorant. I mean, I thought I was sensitive and understanding, but I fully admit I have a bunch to learn.

I re-read my last post and I said pregnancy like it was a given. And then I thought how I was taking that for granted and then I felt like a hetero who's taking for granted their hetero privileges in this hetero society or an able-bodied woman taking for granted her able-bodiness. Is that similar? I don't know.

I have not been practicing gratitude today. I've been a surly patient, surly wife, surly daughter....just your average bitchy chemo patient. So what, who fcuking cares. Hospitals suck, cancer clinics suck, chemo sucks, being around really sick people breaks my heart and their being sick sucks (say that 6 times fast), molar pregnancies suck,....let me see what else, wait there's more coming,..oh yeah, looking for apartments in Vancouver BC sucks shit, vomitting sucks (not me thankfully, but my roommate....I hope she gets better), doctors conselling patients about their very sick mother in the lounge when I am eating and I have to watch woman cry while she holds her adorable 3 month old...that sucks for everyone. God, yes god listen, I just finished talking about gratitude and that lasted all of 3 seconds.

I HATE being here. I want to go out on the deck and smoke and I don't even smoke. Weird. My dad smokes though. Even just to smell smoke would probably relax me. God, that's so weird. Most people (including me usually) hate the smell of smoke. I want to camp out on the deck that they have just outside. Oh my. I should have planned that. Tent and all. Sleeping out under the stars at the cancer clinic. I need to be close to a plug-in but who cares?

Hospitals can slowly steal your soul if you're not vigilant. See, surly. Hospitals do not really empower patients. I wish they would have taught me how to administer this chemo because I could have bloody learned how to do it and I would have rocked. Then I wouldn't have to wait for anyone to start my chemo, unless of course I wanted help with it. I was poked 7 times today in an attempt to get the fucking IV line in. I mean, my last visit (there's dr.p's voice in my mind..."At least you're getting better. Count your blessings"....piss off p...yes, very juvenille). My spelling really sucks. Moving on. What was I talking about? Right, my last visit and it couldn't be longer or more annoying. Shit, how do I clear the history on this computer? Can't leave this rant for someone to chance upon. Bad vibes. I'm bad vibe, rambling, surly lady finishing up her last round of chemo in an empty lounge.

I started out this blog on the right note. What the hell happened? Another car wreck.