One Month after reaching "Zero"

Yesterday it was one month after my hcg levels reached "zero". I'm still a bit confused about the whole wait time issue. I was feeling better since talking to my doctor and he said that I could get pregnant after 6 months. Then today I did some reading and it said that there is a 3 to 4% chance that the gestational trophoblastic neoplasia can return. That's small but after the odds I've had, I don't know. I really don't know.

I have questions. Like, what if I did get pregnant after the 6 months but before 12 months and I happen to be one of the unlucky women that has the GTN come back? Doctors wouldn't be able to tell it was back, or would they? I guess if my hcg levels got really, really high. And then what would happen? Is it worth the stress? Mind you, there is always risk with anything in life. Although it's only a 6 month difference. I'm obsessing. I need to let it go.

I look at the green form that indicates all my blood test dates and I see September 14 2007 as my last blood test. After a fun summer, we would be relaxed and ready to try again. There would be no lingering what ifs (well, at least less what ifs). That would be good. By the time I go back to work this January, I will have been 0 for 3 months. 12-3=9. Six of those months will be consumed by school and then two months off in the summer. Then it will be September. That seems doable. I just have to chunk it up into manageable bits with lots of rewards. It's not as if my whole life is about baby-making. But the clock, she is a ticking and very loudly.

I feel like I've aged throughout all of this. Aged in spirit, that is. In some ways it feels like I am shedding an outgrown skin. I'm in the uncomfortable phase right now. I do believe that there will be a time that I feel young and innocent again. It's a state of mind.

Trying new things and meeting new people help me to get to know myself in new ways. I feel how I've changed and how I look at things somewhat differently, with more compassion.

I can be whole admist this loss. That is a lesson worth mastering. I will not hold off living my life fully right now even though I get sad and feel like something, make that someone is missing. The Buddhists say that we are reborn with each breath, in each moment. I resolve to let go of my grasping with each breath.