Double O Seven

2007. Goodbye 2006 filled with stress and sadness and trauma. Hello new beginnings.

I have a hangover today and I'm ashamed to admit it. I haven't had a hangover in so long that I had forgotten exactly how it felt. And yes, I realize now that the day after my chemo did feel exactly like a hangover. Ugh.

I went to a party. I am mystified that I actually agreed to go to a party. Hence, the consumption of toxic liquids to dull my sensitive nature. I hadn't seen any of these people since Before Chemo (BC). It wasn't mentioned (thankfully) except by two people who I hardly know. That was surreal, especially because the one woman (Japanese) is learning English and I know that she wanted to say something sympathetic and encouraging but she didn't know how to put it and then she seemed really embarrassed and apologetic. It was still nice though.

I was glad not to talk about "it" or think about "it" for a night. It's weird, I've felt a bit like I have an invisible cojoined twin called "my loss" or "my grief" that comes along with me wherever I go. I almost want to introduce it sometimes because it takes up space in the room. I don't want this but there you have it. I am willing to let it go. I am willing to let the grief go.

I'm proud of myself for having gone last night. I was strong and courageous to go when I really didn't want to go. I would have preferred to see my husband's friend and his girlfriend at a smaller gathering and not one seeped in so much significance. A part of me thinks that they don't really want to have to talk about what I've gone through so it's simpler to invite me to a large gathering where they don't have to talk to me too much. Or, maybe they think it's kinder just not to remind me of my pain and what I've gone through. Give me a chance to forget about it for awhile. I think there's some truth to both of those ideas. I think what I've gone through scares them, maybe even repulses them. Perhaps that word is too strong. Well, it scared me too so why should it be any different for them?

My foggy brain needs a rest now. I'm off to start New Year's resolution #1 which is to spell-check my posts. Over and out.