Our Room with a View

Hawaii was balm for the spirit. What a beautiful place! I couldn't get over how it smells so good there. It is exactly the vacation we needed. Days went something like this: wake up with the sunrise, coffee, snorkelling, sun worship, mid day pina colada, read, lunch, more beach time, snooze, read, walk on the beach, make and have dinner, sip wine, talk, read, watch a movie. It was fabulous!

In general, I felt so good and enjoyed myself so much that I didn't think about all the "stuff" that usually seems to occupy my mind. I talked to my therapist today and she suggested setting aside a designated time each week to process/honor the "stuff". I could journal or talk about it or draw or whatever I need to do to recognize my grief. That way when I start to find myself dwelling on things then I can either stay with it at that time (if appropriate) or remind myself that I have a designated time when I can process it. It's to try to avoid being obessive. I think that's a good idea.

It was a good session. I reflected on how it is a fine line between obessing on the loss and honoring the grief. I think it was great how she added; "And only you can know when you're straying too much to one side or the other". We also talked about anxiety and how it is related to a feeling of loss of control and incertainty. She suggested that I try to uncover what I can be in control of and focus on that while letting go of what I can't control. If it were only that simple! It also came up that ultimately the choice about when to try and conceive again is mine. I have a bunch of information and I may feel more empowered by realizing and 'owning' that it is my decision (along with my husband's of course). At the same time, I can feel angry about all of this. That's part of the grief. I think I have been confused and I have been angry at myself for being conservative and choosing the 12 month wait versus the 6 month wait. What I realized was that the anger is an expression of the grief and whether I wait 6 months or 12 months is not truly the issue. It's not a huge difference in time really. Although it feels like it right now. It feels like it's prolonging the pain.

That's it for now. Will post more soon. I just had a thought. I might use this blog during my time set aside for honoring my grief. That way I won't really use this as a everyday journal. Instead, I will use it weekly as part of a time to really focus on/honor my grief. That seems to feel right at the moment.