Posting Anyways, Warts and All

It's 2:07am. My sleep scheduled is officially f-cked up. I've been napping every day when I come home from work. I sleep from 5pm to 8 or 9pm. Uggh. Now I am wide awake.

I have emerged from report card writing and am now on Spring Break! Woohoo!

Only a 6 month more wait time to go. I can't believe the last time I wrote was a month ago. Time does seem to pass quickly and I know that it flies by from now on until the summer holidays.

I have had some weird and sad experiences in the past month. In the span of a week, I had my former principal (who was at the school when I had the first miscarriage and gave me a hug and everything) ask me how my baby was doing and my mom ask me if I "wanted this crib" she had been storing for me that she had got from someone. That was an awful week. I still haven't forgiven either of them completely, although I have moved through a lot of the pain of it. I am floored by how totally unaware people (even people who are close to you) can be. How incredibly thick and yes, I'm going to say it, stupid. I imagine I have done and said stupid things too though. I do acknowledge this.

I have kept up some self-care. I have been having regular massage. I need more exercise though. Tomorrow we are going to go for a hike and check out a neighborhood that we're thinking of moving to. I still want to move. I don't know why it is taking so long to find the right spot. I guess we are picky and have high expectations.

Work has been keeping me so busy, but it has been going well. I am thinking seriously of going to part-time next year - only 4 days a week instead of 5. I feel like I need some more time for myself. Plus, I don't want to be stressed out in this next pregnancy.

I feel sad off and on. Usually I feel balanced and content. There are a lot of big round pregnant bellies around me at school. And new babies and moms (staff) come to visit regularly. I have to be honest, I eat in my classroom on those days. Maybe that's terrible, but the whole staffroom (and there's a huge staff) goes into baby mania and I just can't deal. I'm easy on myself about that. No one notices that I'm not there and if they do, I don't care. I'm sure they get why and if they don't, I don't care. I'm not super close with a lot of the women that come back to visit. I'm genuinely happy for them but I don't feel like I need to be surrounded in talk of babies. It's a hard school to work at during this time.

Someone asked me recently if I thought I was a better, stronger person from what I had been through. I know that she wanted me to say yes and I think that I did manage some kind of positive response. But, when I really think about it, I don't think it's quite like that. I was a strong person before I went through this. I have had to go through some difficult stuff growing up and in my young adult life. I'm not sure that these pregnancy losses have made me a better person. I was pretty damn fine before. Although, maybe it's like Rocky says:

“Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward.”
- Rocky Balboa

Well I feel like I am trying to stay present in my life. Occasionally, there is some sunshine (very little where I live) and rainbows. And I've run out of things to write. This has been very stream of consciousness and I'm not sure that it makes sense but I'm hitting publish before I "save as draft" and it never sees the light of day. Good night (morning actually).