The Complete Egg

The before, during and after of a molar pregnancy, with a side of chemo and a 12 month wait before ttc. And most recently: experience of a healthy pregnancy.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Well, I've finally finished writing report cards. Now life can begin again. Everything goes on hold for about 2 or so weeks. It is a ton of work. Less than two weeks left at school! I'm so done this year. I can't wait for the end. All of it takes so much energy.

As it gets nearer to the summer, I'm starting to get anxious about ttc. Surprise, surprise. We've decided to start trying at the beginning of August. In some ways that is good because we both will be nice and relaxed but in other ways, if I do get pregnant in August, then I will be in my first trimester during the busiest time of the year - September. Shit. I'll just need to cut some corners and make sure I focus on me. Rest lots. I'm trying to do some affirmations around the fear. "I'm now having a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby." That kind of stuff. "I release all of my fears related to pregnancy." I still feel scared. I need to make an appointment to this new doctor that we got a referral to. Hopefully she will be there for me. I'm going to tell her that I would like to have a lot of support during the next pregnancy because that will help me feel more calm. I hope that she is cool. If not then I am going to find a midwife who will support me through this.

Malc and I have booked our tickets and we're flying to Montreal. We've decided to skip New York for this trip because it was going to be so much more expensive. So, we'll do Montreal, Quebec city, Gaspe peninsula and then the Maritimes. I'm looking forward to it. I think I may feel a bit nostalgic because I went to university in Montreal 10 years ago. I can't believe it's been that long already. I think that I'm going to go there and think about how I thought I'd have kids by now. I wanted to start trying at about 27 but M wasn't ready. Man, that was hard. I have had a hard time letting go of that. I know that I need to but I feel sad and angry about it.

I had very strange dreams last night. I've felt kind of funny all day. Something's burbling in the subconscious. I often get vivid dreams at the end of a school year. I think that there are a lot of feelings around getting pregnant again. I want to try right away (this month) but then my summer vacation would be spent thinking/obsessing about possible problems and it would be like last summer. Last summer was awful and I felt the pregnancy was doomed from the beginning. It was so weird, I got really faint lines 2 or 3 days after my period was due. I am sad to think about how it may take longer to get pregnant. I mean, who knows? The last two times I got pregnant right away on the first try. I have no control over any of it. It's in the Universe's hands. I can do deep breathing though. Schedule some massages and spa days. I'll do that in August. I just have to keep taking one day at a time. I've made it this far.

2 Comments:

Blogger Alice said...

Congrats on making the decision on when to start ttc again! Just remember, no matter what there will always be something off about the timing of when you get pregnant. The point is to just get there again with a sticky one.

1:16 PM  
Blogger Anna said...

Yes! You have made it this far and you're amazingly strong for it! I am vicariously enjoying the idea of your holiday and think you're wise for choosing to avoid making pregnancy stresses spoil it. I hope the whole thing is a positive experience. Go fruit-picking on the Isle de Orleans and frolick in the fields! You deserve to let your hair down and hopefully this will be the final reward before the life-changing baby that will come! Here's hoping!

2:29 AM  

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