Note to Self: Avoid IKEA on rainy weekends

I ventured out to the suburbs to IKEA to cure my woes by buying new things. I admit it completely. I was partaking in a little, no, make that a lot of retail therapy even though my better self thinks that that is shameful.

I had forgotten some things about IKEA though. On weekends, it is like playland for families. It is filled with families and moms and babies and pregnant women. Talk about facing your pain head on. It opens you up. I felt the need to curl up on one of their IKEA couches in one of their smartly designed displays and keen for my misplaced dreams.

Then there were the young couples. I would see a young couple (early 20s) and feel somewhat sad because I would never have that innocence about pregnancy back again. Any pregnancy following this will be connected with my two previous pregnancies and losses.

Next I would see a couple with a family and I think: "Will I have that?"

And let me not forget the women with their big, round bellies with her husband/boyfriend touching her lovingly, protectively, proudly. I was ready for the floor to swallow me up. That particular ache is very hard to describe. It's maybe a little bit like after a big break-up with your first love. But of course it's different than that. It was new life and it was love embodied. The ache and pain is a physical one. It is a silent pain.

I try not to be small when I'm around pregnant women and women with babies. I want to be bigger than this pain. I want to send them loving thoughts and know that it will be me someday. Somehow, it will work out. Until then, I just have to feel those intense feelings of loss and sadness. It's something that I can't escape.

On a positive note, my livingroom looks fabulous!