Singing the blues...I still haven't figured out how to have titles in a blog. Maybe I need to edit the html. Anyways if I had a title for this particular blog post it would be "Singing the blues" or maybe "Always sleep facing the window, so you can see the sun rise" (advice given to Alberta Hunter from her mother). I went to a great play/musical called "Cookin' at the Cookery" based on the life of Alberta Hunter. She was a "pioneering African-American popular singer whose path crosses the streams of jazz, blues, and pop music." I really enjoyed it. What really struck me was how I felt when she sang the blues. It was like taking a long, cool drink of water on a scorching hot day. She sang to my soul. The blues. I have had the blues for some time now and to hear that sweet sound sung out to echo my feelings....it was like a little piece of heaven. I'm on a mission now to find some delta blues albums. I also realize that I love and miss going to see shows - plays, musicals, rock concerts, you name it. I haven't done that in so long and it really lifted my spirits. That goes on the list of things that I want to do more of.

My eyes of been really watery lately and I've been blaming it on the chemo. Maybe they are dried out or maybe I've got tears to shed. I rented a couple of sad movies tonight ("Bleu" and "Winter Solstice" - both about grieving I realized after) for some crying therapy. My husband's gone out to a friend's place and I wasn't into going. It's complicated to explain how I feel about these friends. M's known this guy for years and years. The friend did send a card on behalf of him and his girlfriend which was really nice. However, I consider them to be really image-oriented people (I guess they would be hurt if they thought that) and what I'm going through is so far out of their own realm of experiences. I think it freaks them right out that they don't know how to interact with me (in person).

The last time I saw them was about a week after my d&c. It was way to early for me to be going to social events but I decided I needed to try and move on and be real with the people in my life. In the back of my mind it was a bit of a test for our relationship. My husband had told them I had another miscarriage but they didn't know anything about the molar part. I went to their BBQ and when I came in his girlfriend, lets call her Julie, asked "how are you doing?"

"Well, I have good days and bad. Right now I feel pretty good."

Silence and apparent discomfort from M's male friend.

Julie gives me a sympathetic look.

Later this repeats with another of M's friend.
Julie is there and says "I guess that's part of starting a family (not exact words but something to this effect)"

Me: "That's not how it feels when it happens to you."
Uncomfortable silence.
Julie: "I guess you just try again."
Me: Silent.

Later she came up to me in private and apologized. She said she hadn't meant to minimize what I had been through. I was surprised and felt a bit better after she talked to me. I realize that my expectations were pretty high for them considering I don't believe she's ever had a miscarriage or experienced a major loss. I could be totally making an assumption though. It's funny how I was so angry about that interaction for awhile. I realize now that people just don't know what to say or how to act in the face of such tragedy. They usually also don't want to see you cry. Usually, I hate for people to see me cry but I have been getting over that and over myself recently. Now I tear up and let the tears roll. Why not? If people are uncomfortable then they need to deal with that themselves.

Off to videotherapy. Got lot of tissues and the house all to myself.