I've been putting off blogging....just like I've been putting off other things. I've been putting off thinking about going back to work, and putting off contacting friends, and putting off taking pregnancy tests, and putting off going to the doctor.

I'm pregnant. Of course, I won't truly believe that until I have an ultrasound and see the heart beating. I have very few symptoms but that's been the same with the last two pregnancies. Even when my hcg was sky high with the molar, I wasn't sick or naseous. My breasts are sore, and I have some cramping and indigestion. Of course, it's really early right now and anything can happen. I wasn't going to write about this pregnancy until after the first ultrasound but then I thought how I want to document all my feelings and thoughts. So here it goes.

I felt really happy when I saw the two lines. I tested 6 days after I expected my period (that was this past Saturday). The line was not light but it was not as dark as the test line. I had some cramping yesterday and I know that that can be normal in early pregnancy or it can signal that you're having an early miscarriage. I wish I could know what's going on. I'm trying to send good vibes to the little speck inside. I want it to know it's wanted and loved. I am trying to calm down that part of me that insists on being doubtful.

I don't know what to do about a doctor. I don't want to go back to my doctor because I don't have a much of a connection with her. I got a referral from someone I trust, but her doctor isn't taking new patients. In fact, many doctors here are not taking new patients. The other route I can take is to walk over to the midwives office. They are really close and I went to see them during my first pregnancy. At least they could schedule me an early ultrasound. That's all I really want. I don't want to track my hcg unless they see nothing in my uterus. I also don't know when the best time would be to have an ultrasound but I'm thinking at the end of seven weeks.

I'm eating organic blueberries right now - mmmm. I'm giving up coffee. That's going to be a hard one for me but I'm committed to living healthy. I'm going to buy organic food, even though it's so damn expensive. I'm taking folic acid and have been for the past month. I'm trying to get some sunshine every day (vit D which is hard here because it's been rainy :(
I really want this pregnancy to work. I almost feel like I'm not getting too worked up because I don't want to scare it away. That sounds sad. Why can't I believe that the universe wants happy things for me?

Oh, and our trip! We had a lot of fun in the Maritimes. Malc was sick for the first week so that made it difficult but he made the best of it and I went off on my own. It was beautiful country and the people were really friendly. In some ways I wish it hadn't been so long because now I have to go back to work fairly soon but I'm sure it would have gone quickly if we were here too.

Anyone have any advice for me during this time? It's so early and I know how quickly it can go either way.

My affirmations for today:

My body is healthy and welcomes new life.
My thoughts about this pregnancy are positive and hopeful.
This healthy pregnancy is progressing very well.
I am releasing any fear that I have about being pregnant.
I trust my body and am confident that it knows what to do.