sensitive *baby mentioned*

Blood test - hcg 0

Period - commenced day 31

T minus 3 days until we fly to Montreal. I'm feeling pretty mellow right now. I had a rough couple of days though. We went for a bbq at earthmomma's house. I love her, I love her partner, her friends and her gorgeous baby that I got to hold. I felt pretty tender (sensitive and open) the whole evening though. I kind of crashed after when we left. I felt so low and down and angry (yes, I'll admit it). Her baby is 11 weeks and beeeeauiful. And so chilled out. It was so nice to hold her. She was so tiny and perfect. I could have hung out all night with the baby. It was all the talk of pregnancy and babies with the mom and others that really got to me. I chose not to participate. It is so taken for granted how easy it is to have a baby. Can you imagine what a downer it would have been if I started talking about my pregnancies...that resulted in no babies and chemo. Course, maybe I wasn't just relaxed enough during my pregnancies. Earthmomma said how relaxed she was during the whole thing. Well, that's cause nothin went wrong, right? It's easy to be relaxed when you have experienced all that can go wrong.

I found out recently that another friend (single and 38), who so much wants to have a baby, has many fibroids and likely will not be able to get pregnant. Before finding this out, she hadn't made up her mind for sure if she was going to do the insemination. Now, the decision has sort of been made for her. She's grieving. I think she's happy that she's going to Europe soon for a few weeks.

And me, I'm trying not to start projecting too much into the future (if that's at all possible). We've agreed to go to Las Vagas for a friend's 40th birthday (even though in my mind I was trying to calculate how pregnant I might be). I want to be pregnant but I'm also scared. Trying to stay present and right now there is nothing to be afraid of. One step at a time.

So, I don't know if I'll be blogging on my trip. I'll just play it by ear.

'till then...