The Complete Egg

The before, during and after of a molar pregnancy, with a side of chemo and a 12 month wait before ttc. And most recently: experience of a healthy pregnancy.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

sensitive *baby mentioned*

Blood test - hcg 0

Period - commenced day 31

T minus 3 days until we fly to Montreal. I'm feeling pretty mellow right now. I had a rough couple of days though. We went for a bbq at earthmomma's house. I love her, I love her partner, her friends and her gorgeous baby that I got to hold. I felt pretty tender (sensitive and open) the whole evening though. I kind of crashed after when we left. I felt so low and down and angry (yes, I'll admit it). Her baby is 11 weeks and beeeeauiful. And so chilled out. It was so nice to hold her. She was so tiny and perfect. I could have hung out all night with the baby. It was all the talk of pregnancy and babies with the mom and others that really got to me. I chose not to participate. It is so taken for granted how easy it is to have a baby. Can you imagine what a downer it would have been if I started talking about my pregnancies...that resulted in no babies and chemo. Course, maybe I wasn't just relaxed enough during my pregnancies. Earthmomma said how relaxed she was during the whole thing. Well, that's cause nothin went wrong, right? It's easy to be relaxed when you have experienced all that can go wrong.

I found out recently that another friend (single and 38), who so much wants to have a baby, has many fibroids and likely will not be able to get pregnant. Before finding this out, she hadn't made up her mind for sure if she was going to do the insemination. Now, the decision has sort of been made for her. She's grieving. I think she's happy that she's going to Europe soon for a few weeks.

And me, I'm trying not to start projecting too much into the future (if that's at all possible). We've agreed to go to Las Vagas for a friend's 40th birthday (even though in my mind I was trying to calculate how pregnant I might be). I want to be pregnant but I'm also scared. Trying to stay present and right now there is nothing to be afraid of. One step at a time.

So, I don't know if I'll be blogging on my trip. I'll just play it by ear.

'till then...


Blogger Anna said...

I'll miss you! But I look forward to whatever you manage to post, or the post-holiday posts!

Re: being relaxed during pregnancies to have a healthy baby... it is just totally untrue. I know many friends who have been more anxious and stressed than they have ever been before during their pregnancies and they have had beautiful healthy babies. And of course, first time round for both you and I was peace, love and mungbeans, during the age of innocence! As you say, it is very hard to recapture that once you have been bitten.

The funny thing with pregnancy and babies is everyone has their funny theories on these things, but when it comes down to it all you can do to control the outcome is eat well, sleep well, exercise and take your vitamins! And even then, it is not within your control. I believe that through all the crap you have experienced, you have come out a more rounded person, because you have insights that no-one else has and that makes you an amazing person to be around with depth that leaves the others for dead!

Praying and praying for a winning holiday in more ways than one!

6:36 PM  
Blogger Alice said...

Have a great time on your trip!! Don't feel bad about the anger. I'm 13 weeks pregnant now and just starting to feel less angry about my miscarriage and actually likening baby things. It takes time...give yourself a break!

12:42 PM  

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