It's been busy again. We've done a lot of visiting. My dad was down visiting, an aunt turned 80 and had a big party, my nephew has graduated and has moved down to the city, and we had a wedding to go to. In between, I've been trying to plan our trip, go to the dentist and get my monthly blood test. I have to go up today to get my blood test. I thought I'd get it today so that I can get the results before we leave. We are thinking of trying in this next cycle. I've now sat here for 5 minutes reading and rereading that last sentence. It brings up a lot of fears. But those fears will always be there. What are my fears about? I guess one of my biggest fears is that I will have another pregnancy loss. Another fear is that the gtn will come back.

I was hoping that I'd be able to start this new pregnancy with a new doctor but the new doctor that we got a referral to is actually not accepting new patients. Crap. I was disappointed to hear that. Maybe that's a sign that I should see the midwives from the beginning. Basically I need an early ultrasound and a lot of hand-holding. Apparently, they work with a doctor to consult after a women's had a molar pregnancy. I want this pregnancy to be as non-medicalized as possible, considering that the last one was so medically managed (I know that it had to be).

Today is the first time I've had a day to myself in awhile. I have nothing to do (except go and get a blood test). I think I may go for a bike ride or maybe just a walk. It's a beautiful day out today. Out appartment is awesome in the summer. We have a beautiful patio that gets lots of light and a great view. Our appartment also stays cool because it is north-facing. I would hate to have a hot appartment.

I visited my dad yesterday at my aunt's. Whenever I see my aunt, she talks about the new babies in the family. We have a huge family. Some of my cousins have a lot of kids. It doesn't bother me too much but always have this fear that washes through me - like, will it not happen to me? We have decided to keep trying until it works. Of course I'm trying to be optimistic and focus on a positive outcome this upcoming time. Positive outcome, positive outcome. Staying relaxed. Breathing. Crying and breathing. The fact that it is just so out of my hands. And that first ultrasound. I hate that first early ultrasound. I get naseous just thinking about it. Other women have gone through what I am going through. I can draw on their strength.

Maybe I ought to start using the new beginnings forum, however I feel like it's only for when you are already pregnant. Maybe not though. I don't know. I could try and see if it helps. I know that no one else understands like these women who have been through it. I'm going to still try and capture the pregnancy ignorance bliss that I had in my first pregnancy. I know I cannot ever completely have it again but maybe I can somehow rediscover it.

I am just rambling. I can't believe it has been a year since I was last pregnant. It's gone fast. Unreal. A part of me feels like if I didn't want this so bad that it would come easily. Why is it that the things that we really want so badly often take a lot of patience to get? Do most people feel that way in some part of their life? I don't think it's the wanting it badly that makes it not happen though, is it? That would be pretty sad to think that the universe doesn't want what we want. Sometimes I think that the universe is ambivalent and impersonal about it all. Things happen and we have a choice about how we react and respond. That's where the faith comes in. If we can respond from a place of love and knowing that we will be okay no matter what, then that is the highest altitude because it can create more love instead of fear. That's what this pregnancy and baby represents to me is creating even more love in our lives.

Here are my affirmations for the day:

My body, mind and spirit is now ready to create a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby.

I release all fears concerning this new phase of trying to conceive and I willingly embrace the unknown.

I am a creative person and my body is eager to create and sustain new life.