We go on holiday soon (the 18th). Expecting my period anytime now and also the results from my latest blood test. I wanted to get the results before I go away and usually it takes about 7 days to process.

Why don't I talk about my trip in order to distract me from thinking about my upcoming cycle. We're flying into Montreal and then heading up to Quebec city. I love Quebec city and haven't been there in about 10 years. I think it will be quite romantic for Malc and I. Then we'll drive and camp around the Gaspesie. Following that we will go to Novia Scotia. We'll take the ferry to Digby, then Annapolis Royal, then Halifax and the cute towns around there. Then we'll head up to the Cabot Trail and following that we'll spend some time in PEI. I've never been to the Maritimes and I'm quite excited.

We've been so social in the past couple of weeks. It's been fun. In the past couple of days I've felt strange though. Maybe a bit depressed or something. I have this attitude of "What's the point?". I don't feel really connected to myself or confident. I feel like I'm mourning. Again. I'm hoping that through connecting to nature on our trip that I'll be able to reconnect with that faith and innocence that I once knew. I feel kind of weighted down today. I know that there's nothing to wait for, that I have everything that I need right now. Love and joy are an inner state. Wow, I sound new agey. I still struggle with looking outside of myself for fulfillment. This quest to have a healthy pregnancy and baby and all the challenges that have come from the journey has posed many lessons in impermanence. Life is change and change and more change and the more I can let go, the easier time I will have. Even after having a child, I will have to let go of how I imagined motherhood would be and how my child would be. Will it get easier? There seem to be pockets of joy here and there. I'd like to sustain that joyful feeling that I can occasionally capture.

Until next time.