The Complete Egg

The before, during and after of a molar pregnancy, with a side of chemo and a 12 month wait before ttc. And most recently: experience of a healthy pregnancy.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Okay, so I did something stupid. I googled "choriocarcinoma and live birth". Why, you ask? I still have a cough which I'm 99% sure is still me getting over this cold (I've read that pregnant women take longer to recover from a cold/flu virus) but it got me to thinking, what would my symptoms be if the gtd came back while I was pregnant. This is my deepest fear that I rarely acknowledge. From my reading, I found out that the symptoms would be coughing up blood and pleural effusion due to cancer nodes in the lungs. Ugg. The risks are so small. But I started to mentally beat up on myself for being impatient and getting pregnant before the 12 month follow-up. I think my fears have now subsided somewhat. My cough seems to be subsiding. (Incidently, in the article I read, the woman and her baby lived and were currently healthy although she did have to go through many rounds of strong chemo after a caesarian section).

Why do I do these things? It's the control freak in me. I realize I have a lot of anxiety at times. I don't realize how much I am carrying in my body. I went to a prenatal yoga class on Thursday and it was so amazing. But what came up for me is how much stress and anxiety I am carrying. Through moving my body in a variety of ways - we were encouraged to dance, vocalize, laugh....it was quite creative - I was crying at a number of times. Finally, my body was being nutured and could hardly believe it! Why am I so hard on myself? I've been meaning to get a massage and instead I work myself so hard without many breaks. I always seem to be carrying heavy bags to work and little kids can be exhausting.

Woooooo. I'm letting it all out. We have a 3-day weekend and Malc and I are going away to Saltspring and I'm not taking any work with me. I woke up early this morning and I couldn't get back to sleep so I thought I'd get up to blog and maybe work on report cards. I'm all prepared for next week which feels great. Usually I'm working on Sunday and preparing. This is much better. I'll be sure to take some pics of Saltspring to post. Also, I need to upload all of my ultrasounds.

I'm now 17 weeks and have an ultrasound scheduled for two weeks from now. I can't feel any of the baby's movements, at least not that I'm aware of. I read that first time moms often feel movements between 18 and 20 weeks. So a couple more weeks to go. I told my principal that I was pregnant. That was okay. I was very conscious about not expecting a certain kind of response.

I did have one beautiful experience with sharing my pregnancy news. I told a good friend who knows about all of my other pregnancy losses. She was so happy for me and it was genuine. We talked and talked about it. She has 3 girls herself. She's a bit like an adopted big sister for me because she's about 10 years older. I love her for making my announcement so special. I still haven't told my mom, of all people. My dad knows but the rest of my family doesn't. Malc and I plan to tell my mom next weekend when we meet her for brunch. I think that there is a part of me that is still hurting from when she asked me, "So, should I keep this crib? Will Malcolm and you be trying again?" God, that made me mad. It was like all she was concerned about was storage space and she wanted to get rid of that damn crib. Geez. Like, we don't want to store it and since someone gave it to you for us, it's your decision to make. It was so insensitive. To her credit, she did apologize and said she felt bad for hurting my feelings.

So, I'm going to keep going to this prenatal yoga. It was great and the instructor was creative and cool. She seemed so uninhibited. She did a lot of coaching throughout the class and on more than just where to put your feet or hands. She coached on the more psychological/emotional/spiritual side of pregnancy. So many of the women there were close to giving birth. There were only about 4 of us that were 4 months. That was a bit intimidating at first. Weird, I know. I think I need to start visualizing myself with a big, round belly. I don't think I can comprehend that I'm actually going to experience that this time around. I want to have positive visualizations. I'll make an effort with that this weekend. Oh, and I've lined up a massage! It will be heaven.

1 Comments:

Blogger Anna said...

Wow. Ouch. I remember that story about your Mum now, but I'd forgotten it. It is funny how these things all come up again with this follow-up pregnancy. I can relate to that process of needing to forgive the past but carefully protect yourself from further hurt from those who hurt you last time.

You are so right to acknowledge you need to take care of yourself. I hope you got that massage! It is harder to follow through on it. But a good start to recognise the need is there. Be kind. And truly , one or two months off the wait time is not going to be a problem I am sure! I have high hopes for this baby of yours. It seems to be going great! I am so happy! I hope you feel 100% soon.

10:54 PM  

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