Introducing....baby!

Cute as pie already. This is some kind of cross section picture so that's why it looks like there's a stump instead of a hand. I want more details though. I had a whole list of questions but the technician was tight-lipped. I haven't got a call from the midwives about any abnormalities though so all is well. I tried calling them today but they're closed! I didn't know that they were closed on Fridays. That was a bit annoying. Oh well, when I called on Tuesday the receptionist (who is terrific) said that if I hadn't received a call, that everything was normal. She also said to call back on Thursday if I wanted to talk to a midwife.

So, I'm taking a mental health day. Well, also a sick day because my throat was hurting all week. I actually went to the doctor on Monday after my ultrasound to have her check things out. She took a throat swab, however it appears that there is nothing bacterial. That means it's viral. Fortunately, I woke up after sleeping in this morning and my throat pain is gone! It is such a relief. Having that pain everytime I swallowed really was getting me down. I can understand how people with chronic pain can be so grumpy. You just want relief.

My 18 week ultrasound went well. That is, there were no abnormalities found. But the technician was not the greatest. He didn't make it really inspiring if you know what I mean. It was all very clinical and factual and he wasn't forthcoming with information. Finally, after 20 minutes of him quietly making measurements, I said, "We just want to know if everything's okay. We've had a couple of pregnancy losses." At that point he said, "Everything looks fine." He only gave us a 30 second peek at the baby (who was all curled up with a beautiful looking spine). And we left with 2 not-great ultrasound pics. I was happy that everything looked fine but I thought the experience could have been more special. Oh well, I need to count my blessings.

Malc and I told my mom about the pregnancy last weekend. She was happy for us but she brought up the whole crib thing, "Aren't you glad I ended up storing the crib for you?" Gad. Shut up! We don't care about the fucking crib. I was mad she brought that up. I was so upset about that conversation. Has she forgotten about that? Sometimes I wonder about her memory. I have this feeling that we're going to look at the crib and be like, no thanks! Geez. Anyways, I'm letting that go. It's not important. Not I need to tell my brother and sister and the people at work.

It's beautiful here today - sunny and cold. I think I might take a stroll after I write a few more report cards. Feeling pretty good today.

It's late. I am going to bed soon but felt the urge to blog. I'm feeling pretty relaxed tonight even though my throat and ear hurt. It's annoying to hear myself complain about my sick symptoms. I think I'm on the mend. My cough is a lot better. I'm going to the doctor this week if my sore throat doesn't improve. I have a feeling that it's a virus but it's probably better to get it checked out. I probably should have got it checked out this week but it's so much work to prep for a sub and then rush back to Vancouver for the appointment. And probably just to be told to get lots of rest and drink lots of fluids. I've been talking to other people and they have had this virus for a long time. Okay, enough of that.

We had an amazing time on Saltspring. The chalet we booked was perfect and it was an amazing getaway. There way a fireplace and a two-person soaker tub and a view of the ocean. My massage was awesome. I need to get massages more often. We made awesome dinners and "holed-up" for one whole day. It was great. The weather was rainy which made it really nice to be cozy inside. I'm so glad we made that happen.

I'm starting to show. Especially after eating because I get very bloated. I'm getting used to this new body. I think I would be feeling better if I got some exercise. I plan to go to prenatal yoga tomorrow. I've also got to write reports. I think I'll take a day off to write them next week. Boring. I'm so boring.

I have an ultrasound this Monday. I'll be just 18 weeks. Sometimes I think I might be feeling movements inside. It feels like tiny bubbles popping, if that makes any sense.

I'm going to have to tell people at work soon. Most of them have guessed I think. I don't really care. I don't really want the attention though. It feels so personal and I don't much want to discuss it. I guess I'm introverted that way. I wonder who will be feeling upset to hear another pregnancy announcement. I know that there is one staff member for sure who is trying to get pregnant right now. She talks about it regularly.

So, off to bed.

Okay, so I did something stupid. I googled "choriocarcinoma and live birth". Why, you ask? I still have a cough which I'm 99% sure is still me getting over this cold (I've read that pregnant women take longer to recover from a cold/flu virus) but it got me to thinking, what would my symptoms be if the gtd came back while I was pregnant. This is my deepest fear that I rarely acknowledge. From my reading, I found out that the symptoms would be coughing up blood and pleural effusion due to cancer nodes in the lungs. Ugg. The risks are so small. But I started to mentally beat up on myself for being impatient and getting pregnant before the 12 month follow-up. I think my fears have now subsided somewhat. My cough seems to be subsiding. (Incidently, in the article I read, the woman and her baby lived and were currently healthy although she did have to go through many rounds of strong chemo after a caesarian section).

Why do I do these things? It's the control freak in me. I realize I have a lot of anxiety at times. I don't realize how much I am carrying in my body. I went to a prenatal yoga class on Thursday and it was so amazing. But what came up for me is how much stress and anxiety I am carrying. Through moving my body in a variety of ways - we were encouraged to dance, vocalize, laugh....it was quite creative - I was crying at a number of times. Finally, my body was being nutured and could hardly believe it! Why am I so hard on myself? I've been meaning to get a massage and instead I work myself so hard without many breaks. I always seem to be carrying heavy bags to work and little kids can be exhausting.

Woooooo. I'm letting it all out. We have a 3-day weekend and Malc and I are going away to Saltspring and I'm not taking any work with me. I woke up early this morning and I couldn't get back to sleep so I thought I'd get up to blog and maybe work on report cards. I'm all prepared for next week which feels great. Usually I'm working on Sunday and preparing. This is much better. I'll be sure to take some pics of Saltspring to post. Also, I need to upload all of my ultrasounds.

I'm now 17 weeks and have an ultrasound scheduled for two weeks from now. I can't feel any of the baby's movements, at least not that I'm aware of. I read that first time moms often feel movements between 18 and 20 weeks. So a couple more weeks to go. I told my principal that I was pregnant. That was okay. I was very conscious about not expecting a certain kind of response.

I did have one beautiful experience with sharing my pregnancy news. I told a good friend who knows about all of my other pregnancy losses. She was so happy for me and it was genuine. We talked and talked about it. She has 3 girls herself. She's a bit like an adopted big sister for me because she's about 10 years older. I love her for making my announcement so special. I still haven't told my mom, of all people. My dad knows but the rest of my family doesn't. Malc and I plan to tell my mom next weekend when we meet her for brunch. I think that there is a part of me that is still hurting from when she asked me, "So, should I keep this crib? Will Malcolm and you be trying again?" God, that made me mad. It was like all she was concerned about was storage space and she wanted to get rid of that damn crib. Geez. Like, we don't want to store it and since someone gave it to you for us, it's your decision to make. It was so insensitive. To her credit, she did apologize and said she felt bad for hurting my feelings.

So, I'm going to keep going to this prenatal yoga. It was great and the instructor was creative and cool. She seemed so uninhibited. She did a lot of coaching throughout the class and on more than just where to put your feet or hands. She coached on the more psychological/emotional/spiritual side of pregnancy. So many of the women there were close to giving birth. There were only about 4 of us that were 4 months. That was a bit intimidating at first. Weird, I know. I think I need to start visualizing myself with a big, round belly. I don't think I can comprehend that I'm actually going to experience that this time around. I want to have positive visualizations. I'll make an effort with that this weekend. Oh, and I've lined up a massage! It will be heaven.