The Complete Egg

The before, during and after of a molar pregnancy, with a side of chemo and a 12 month wait before ttc. And most recently: experience of a healthy pregnancy.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

sensitive *baby mentioned*

Blood test - hcg 0

Period - commenced day 31

T minus 3 days until we fly to Montreal. I'm feeling pretty mellow right now. I had a rough couple of days though. We went for a bbq at earthmomma's house. I love her, I love her partner, her friends and her gorgeous baby that I got to hold. I felt pretty tender (sensitive and open) the whole evening though. I kind of crashed after when we left. I felt so low and down and angry (yes, I'll admit it). Her baby is 11 weeks and beeeeauiful. And so chilled out. It was so nice to hold her. She was so tiny and perfect. I could have hung out all night with the baby. It was all the talk of pregnancy and babies with the mom and others that really got to me. I chose not to participate. It is so taken for granted how easy it is to have a baby. Can you imagine what a downer it would have been if I started talking about my pregnancies...that resulted in no babies and chemo. Course, maybe I wasn't just relaxed enough during my pregnancies. Earthmomma said how relaxed she was during the whole thing. Well, that's cause nothin went wrong, right? It's easy to be relaxed when you have experienced all that can go wrong.

I found out recently that another friend (single and 38), who so much wants to have a baby, has many fibroids and likely will not be able to get pregnant. Before finding this out, she hadn't made up her mind for sure if she was going to do the insemination. Now, the decision has sort of been made for her. She's grieving. I think she's happy that she's going to Europe soon for a few weeks.

And me, I'm trying not to start projecting too much into the future (if that's at all possible). We've agreed to go to Las Vagas for a friend's 40th birthday (even though in my mind I was trying to calculate how pregnant I might be). I want to be pregnant but I'm also scared. Trying to stay present and right now there is nothing to be afraid of. One step at a time.

So, I don't know if I'll be blogging on my trip. I'll just play it by ear.

'till then...

Friday, July 13, 2007

We go on holiday soon (the 18th). Expecting my period anytime now and also the results from my latest blood test. I wanted to get the results before I go away and usually it takes about 7 days to process.

Why don't I talk about my trip in order to distract me from thinking about my upcoming cycle. We're flying into Montreal and then heading up to Quebec city. I love Quebec city and haven't been there in about 10 years. I think it will be quite romantic for Malc and I. Then we'll drive and camp around the Gaspesie. Following that we will go to Novia Scotia. We'll take the ferry to Digby, then Annapolis Royal, then Halifax and the cute towns around there. Then we'll head up to the Cabot Trail and following that we'll spend some time in PEI. I've never been to the Maritimes and I'm quite excited.

We've been so social in the past couple of weeks. It's been fun. In the past couple of days I've felt strange though. Maybe a bit depressed or something. I have this attitude of "What's the point?". I don't feel really connected to myself or confident. I feel like I'm mourning. Again. I'm hoping that through connecting to nature on our trip that I'll be able to reconnect with that faith and innocence that I once knew. I feel kind of weighted down today. I know that there's nothing to wait for, that I have everything that I need right now. Love and joy are an inner state. Wow, I sound new agey. I still struggle with looking outside of myself for fulfillment. This quest to have a healthy pregnancy and baby and all the challenges that have come from the journey has posed many lessons in impermanence. Life is change and change and more change and the more I can let go, the easier time I will have. Even after having a child, I will have to let go of how I imagined motherhood would be and how my child would be. Will it get easier? There seem to be pockets of joy here and there. I'd like to sustain that joyful feeling that I can occasionally capture.

Until next time.

Monday, July 09, 2007

It's been busy again. We've done a lot of visiting. My dad was down visiting, an aunt turned 80 and had a big party, my nephew has graduated and has moved down to the city, and we had a wedding to go to. In between, I've been trying to plan our trip, go to the dentist and get my monthly blood test. I have to go up today to get my blood test. I thought I'd get it today so that I can get the results before we leave. We are thinking of trying in this next cycle. I've now sat here for 5 minutes reading and rereading that last sentence. It brings up a lot of fears. But those fears will always be there. What are my fears about? I guess one of my biggest fears is that I will have another pregnancy loss. Another fear is that the gtn will come back.

I was hoping that I'd be able to start this new pregnancy with a new doctor but the new doctor that we got a referral to is actually not accepting new patients. Crap. I was disappointed to hear that. Maybe that's a sign that I should see the midwives from the beginning. Basically I need an early ultrasound and a lot of hand-holding. Apparently, they work with a doctor to consult after a women's had a molar pregnancy. I want this pregnancy to be as non-medicalized as possible, considering that the last one was so medically managed (I know that it had to be).

Today is the first time I've had a day to myself in awhile. I have nothing to do (except go and get a blood test). I think I may go for a bike ride or maybe just a walk. It's a beautiful day out today. Out appartment is awesome in the summer. We have a beautiful patio that gets lots of light and a great view. Our appartment also stays cool because it is north-facing. I would hate to have a hot appartment.

I visited my dad yesterday at my aunt's. Whenever I see my aunt, she talks about the new babies in the family. We have a huge family. Some of my cousins have a lot of kids. It doesn't bother me too much but always have this fear that washes through me - like, will it not happen to me? We have decided to keep trying until it works. Of course I'm trying to be optimistic and focus on a positive outcome this upcoming time. Positive outcome, positive outcome. Staying relaxed. Breathing. Crying and breathing. The fact that it is just so out of my hands. And that first ultrasound. I hate that first early ultrasound. I get naseous just thinking about it. Other women have gone through what I am going through. I can draw on their strength.

Maybe I ought to start using the new beginnings forum, however I feel like it's only for when you are already pregnant. Maybe not though. I don't know. I could try and see if it helps. I know that no one else understands like these women who have been through it. I'm going to still try and capture the pregnancy ignorance bliss that I had in my first pregnancy. I know I cannot ever completely have it again but maybe I can somehow rediscover it.

I am just rambling. I can't believe it has been a year since I was last pregnant. It's gone fast. Unreal. A part of me feels like if I didn't want this so bad that it would come easily. Why is it that the things that we really want so badly often take a lot of patience to get? Do most people feel that way in some part of their life? I don't think it's the wanting it badly that makes it not happen though, is it? That would be pretty sad to think that the universe doesn't want what we want. Sometimes I think that the universe is ambivalent and impersonal about it all. Things happen and we have a choice about how we react and respond. That's where the faith comes in. If we can respond from a place of love and knowing that we will be okay no matter what, then that is the highest altitude because it can create more love instead of fear. That's what this pregnancy and baby represents to me is creating even more love in our lives.

Here are my affirmations for the day:

My body, mind and spirit is now ready to create a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby.

I release all fears concerning this new phase of trying to conceive and I willingly embrace the unknown.

I am a creative person and my body is eager to create and sustain new life.