A Big Ho, Ho, Ho to Everyone

and for those of you not feeling very Christmassy...forgetaboutit! Sometimes it feels great to take a holiday from Christmas. I know that's what we did last year and it was the right thing to do.

I have a lull between my Dad leaving and going over to my brother's for Christmas dinner so I'm doing a bit of surfing and blogging. Why not? We had a nice 24 hours. I cooked a super yummy meal last night - stuffed pork loin with an apricot glaze, scalloped potatoes (very cheezy), salad, veggies. Mmmmm. I've had to reduce my portions somewhat because I feel so bloated and full after I eat a meal. It feels uncomfortable. And then comes the gas - woah, look out! My Dad and I went to midnight mass which was beautiful. Then today, Malc, my Dad and I opened gifts. Malc got me a diamond bracelet (awww) and his parents spoiled us. I especially liked the album they put together of Malcolm as a baby and small child. I have been asking to see baby pictures of Malcolm for a long time and his mom had said that they are all piled into a big box. That was very thoughtful of her to go through them and make a nice album. We'll see my mom and brother tonight and open gifts.

I'm feeling relaxed now. I had a stressful last week of school and was sleeping really badly. It seemed that I transferred all of my stress and anxiety to my pregnancy. I actually called the midwives to see if they could squeeze me in and check the heartbeat. Thankfully, the lovely receptionist did manage to fit me in. I think that the midwife was quite surprised to see me and was wondering what brought me in. "Random insecurities," I replied. Once I heard the heartbeat all the stress welled up and I started crying. I have to explain that I am not comfortable with crying - at all. I know that there is nothing wrong with it but I have such a hard time with it. I talked with the midwife a bit about the stress I've been going through and the insecurities that will well up. It's like I start to feel panic-y when I feel too confident. It's some kind of protection mechanism. I want to be open and vulnerable and enjoy the confident feelings. I thought that I had past these feelings but I see that it's a bit like a spiral and I will circle back to these feelings once in awhile.

Well, I ought to go get ready for dinner now. Hope everyone is able to try and feel some of the light and love today.

I've really enjoyed the comments that some people have been posting. Thank you for your well wishes and putting up with my spelling mistakes and overuse of certain words ("great" and "so" and "such"). I reread my posts after the fact and am too lazy to go back and change things. The comments help me to feel connected to a community. I've sort of fell off with the forum that I use to frequent. I'm not sure why. Maybe I'll try that out again. Anna, if you are reading, I'd like to email you so if you don't mind, would you share your email address in a comment?
Last week was a very long week and I was quite tired. It was the week after our Christmas party and I think I was playing catch up with sleep all week. It was a fantastic party though! What a nice energy. Friendly people and a good mix of people. Everyone was very sociable. I was glad it went so well. Sometimes throwing a party can be a bit anxiety producing. I was up quite late and I really wanted to go to bed at 10pm but everyone didn't leave until about 2:00.

This week we have the Christmas concert and then mostly a lot of fun crafts and movie days leading up to Christmas. We don't get off until the 21st this year so it's quite close to Christmas. Everyone is just done. I don't know how we'll pull off this concert but somehow it always comes together.

I'm feeling baby movement all the time now. Malcolm actually felt a kick too! It was amazing. That was in the 21st week. He was so amazed by the experience. It's interesting because it hasn't happened since. I've felt a lot of movement but he hasn't felt it on the outside. It must have been some fluke and the baby was positioned just right or gave a particularly hard kick or punch. I have truly been soaking in these incredible moments. It is such an amazing process growing new life inside of you. I feel very present and grateful.

Malcolm and I had the experience of being given baby "advice" at my staff Christmas party. I tried to hear it as storytelling instead of advice so that I wouldn't get annoyed. It seemed to work for me. I didn't take any of it personally and just listened for the love in their stories about their babies. Why do people feel the need to give advice about your expected baby? Everybody's experience is so personal and unique. I just don't think that you can generalize.

I also had the experience of talking with our secretary too, who had 3 miscarriages before her third child. We talked about the anxiety and insecurities that are present in the healthy pregnancy. It was cathartic to talk to someone who went through a very difficult time with pregnancy also. She's a lovely woman and talked very openly with me about that time in her life.

My students now know that I am pregnant. One little boy came in to class in the morning and flat out asked, "Are you pregnant?". So, I told the whole class and they are so excited. It has prompted many questions and comments. Many are thinking of names for the baby. The same grade one boy came in another morning and said, "My brother says that stress will harm the baby." He followed that by saying, "I don't really know what that means though". They've been coming out with some really funny things. I need to start writing more of what they say down.

So, I better be off to bed. I do reflect on how much love and well wishes are coming my way now that I am pregnant. I could have used this same kind of support with my pregnancy losses but maybe I was not open enough about the pain that I was going through. It felt so personal and I didn't want to share it but maybe I could have been open to receiving love and help. Mostly, I just felt like people wanted to avoid that pain. So, I'm sending out my love now to all the women who are trying to get pregnant or waiting to get pregnant or who have had a loss.

21 weeks on Sunday

Where does the time go? I am so tired tonight. It's been a long week. Report cards are done and now we're on to the fun hype of Christmas. It's been a good week all around.

Malc and I are throwing a Christmas party tomorrow night. I think I'm looking forward to it. I'm worried I'm going to fall asleep or want to fall asleep. I still have to go out and get a Christmas tree and the food. Then there's the preparing the food, which is fun but can be tiring. I am happy that we're doing this though. I would love to run away to Hawaii this Christmas. God, that would be great! Ooohhhh, the sun! I miss the sun. Actually, we have had a couple of cold, sunny days this week which has been great. Last weekend it was snowing and it was so beautiful. Then it rained. Monsooooooon rain. Unbelievable-crashing-down, Noah's-arc- floating-by, afraid-to-be-swept-away rain. Wacky weather.

I've been attending prenatal yoga. It's been great. I do feel a bit stupid and uncomfortable at times, with all the smooshy talk. Not sure that that makes sense. The teacher likes us to introduce ourselves, share how far along we are and how we're feeling. Sometimes I'm not interested in this. I want to do yoga. I get so much interaction during the day, I want me time and peacefulness. I don't want to have to give others my attention. Isn't that unreal? I sound like a selfish b*tch. I'm one of those people that does not recharge through meeting new people. And just because I'm going through a similar experience doesn't mean I'm going to connect with these other pregnant ladies. I think that shows how tired and cranky I am. If I was well-rested I might be a little more open and willing to meet new people. It is good knowing others with babies and small children.

I'm actually allowing myself to feel more confident lately. I did feel a bit insecure at the beginning of the week after I let the staff at my school know. It was the first time in a few weeks that I started to feel panicky about the baby again. Luckily, we had a midwife appointment on Tuesday and all was well. Wasn't sure how much I connected with this midwife though. There are 3 on the team. There's one on the team that I really like a lot. We did hear baby's heartbeat again.

The movements and kicks are still there and a little stronger. It's quite cool. I'd love to have a doppler and listen to the baby's heartbeat more often.

It was weird telling the staff. I'm glad they know but pregnancy is so commmon at our school that it's really not a big deal. Which is fine. There's no problem I guess. The teachers at my school are exceptional teachers. I think that everyone's a bit stretched thin by the amount of challenging classes and complexity of a big school with multiple programs. Ahhhhh. Time for bed. Time to relax. I am so ready for the holidays. Feeling grateful for everything though. Love, love, love.