Our Room with a View

Hawaii was balm for the spirit. What a beautiful place! I couldn't get over how it smells so good there. It is exactly the vacation we needed. Days went something like this: wake up with the sunrise, coffee, snorkelling, sun worship, mid day pina colada, read, lunch, more beach time, snooze, read, walk on the beach, make and have dinner, sip wine, talk, read, watch a movie. It was fabulous!

In general, I felt so good and enjoyed myself so much that I didn't think about all the "stuff" that usually seems to occupy my mind. I talked to my therapist today and she suggested setting aside a designated time each week to process/honor the "stuff". I could journal or talk about it or draw or whatever I need to do to recognize my grief. That way when I start to find myself dwelling on things then I can either stay with it at that time (if appropriate) or remind myself that I have a designated time when I can process it. It's to try to avoid being obessive. I think that's a good idea.

It was a good session. I reflected on how it is a fine line between obessing on the loss and honoring the grief. I think it was great how she added; "And only you can know when you're straying too much to one side or the other". We also talked about anxiety and how it is related to a feeling of loss of control and incertainty. She suggested that I try to uncover what I can be in control of and focus on that while letting go of what I can't control. If it were only that simple! It also came up that ultimately the choice about when to try and conceive again is mine. I have a bunch of information and I may feel more empowered by realizing and 'owning' that it is my decision (along with my husband's of course). At the same time, I can feel angry about all of this. That's part of the grief. I think I have been confused and I have been angry at myself for being conservative and choosing the 12 month wait versus the 6 month wait. What I realized was that the anger is an expression of the grief and whether I wait 6 months or 12 months is not truly the issue. It's not a huge difference in time really. Although it feels like it right now. It feels like it's prolonging the pain.

That's it for now. Will post more soon. I just had a thought. I might use this blog during my time set aside for honoring my grief. That way I won't really use this as a everyday journal. Instead, I will use it weekly as part of a time to really focus on/honor my grief. That seems to feel right at the moment.

Going on Vacation

I thought I'd write a quick post before we leave tomorrow. I won't be blogging while away and I'd going to notice what it's like to take a break from using the computer, reading forums and blogs and blogging. Perhaps these activities make me dwell more on my loss. I'm not sure.

I'm getting geared up for returning to work in the New Year. I'm actually looking forward to it. It's a chance for me to get creative again and feel purposeful even though I keep telling myself that being purposeful is doing whatever is in front of me. I consider it quite a privilege to work with young children. Even though they can drive me batty some days, they keep me young at heart and always seeing the world from a new perspective.

On a whole different topic, I've been looking a bit into EMDR. I think it's something that I may ask my therapist about to see if she can recommend someone who does it. It sounds really unusual but there seems to be a bunch of research backing up it's effectiveness for treating anxiety.

And as promised, my New Year collage which is still a work in process. Themes that I see are relaxation and nurturing activities, fun, laughter, pregnancy, babies and children, travel, dreaming, outdoor activity, adventure, relationships (new and old) and love.

Can't Sleep Again

Second night in a row. I think it's from the caffeine in that nice pot of tea I had today at the Art Gallery. What a great cafe they have there. The food is good, you can order beer or wine, the deserts are heavenly and the people are interesting to look at and listen to.

Did I mention how I hate not being able to sleep? Because usually I am such a good sleeper. My brother says he's a "good eater" and usually I'm a "good sleeper". I can sleep for 12 hours no problem. I absolutely hate lying in bed at night and trying to get to sleep. It's just not like that for me. I read from my book then I feel sleepy, turn out the light and go to sleep. That simple.

So as I was lying in bed tonight this thought was bugging me. I came across something that said that when we are fearful of something, it is more likely to manifest that fear. And I wonder: Is that really true? Because we all know that shit happens. All the time to all kinds of people, who are not fearing something shitty is going to happen to them. But if you are fearful of something and it continues to haunt you, does that really make it more likely to happen? I don't think that's true.

The reason I don't think that's true is because I don't think my worry about my second pregnancy caused me to have a molar pregnancy. The genetics were not in the egg. Period. It was bad luck. I think this is bothering me because at one point I think I believed that our thoughts create our reality. You know, the New Age patter. I think that it's a lot more complicated that that. I mean, there's what's happening and then there's our thoughts about what's happening. And I don't think it's that easy either. What do I know?

Not to say that I want to be fearful of things. I don't. I don't want to worry because I know it doesn't do any good. Well, at least most of me knows. There is still this small part that believes that the worry will keep the bad things from ever happening. A hopeless thought. I do want to focus on positive images instead of dwelling on scary "possibilities".

I've come to believe now that everytime I have a worry about the future, it is equivalent to a little meditation bell going off so that I can pull myself back to the present moment. This is one of my "great" lessons from this experience. It is a chance to practice being where I am in the moment. When I realize that I'm just sitting or standing or lying down, whenever I just ground myself in the here in and now, I feel more peaceful. Of course, it's easy for me to say that during these days when I have little to no demands on me. How will it be when life speeds up considerably in the New Year when I go back to work? The way I see it, it doesn't matter. If I'm feeling bad it's because I'm spinning off in my mind or maybe I just need a good cry or a hug or some exercise or more sleep.

I continue to wonder whether I'll keep blogging. I mean, I have my journals. I guess that I have enjoyed reading about other women's trials to have a baby. And there's this (big) part of me that wants this blog at some point to become about my new pregnancy and the birth of my first child. If it could help even one person who has a molar pregnancy and goes through the wait time, then this blog will be worth it.

I had a wise friend recently who said: "Yeah, your eyes have been opened by the things you have experienced and now, no matter where you are or who you are with, you will be those open eyes." And it took me a little while for that to sink in. In other words, I can have a deeper understanding of some things than I did before and bring that awareness to my relationships with others. It might be with a group where I am the only one with that understanding. The understanding that comes from living it. We are so interconnected and the internet really demonstrates it.

Settled

I'm getting excited about our trip to Hawaii which is coming up very soon. It'll be nice to be in a totally different, sunny location. I think that being in a different environment will help me to have some new perspectives on my life.

I've been feeling pretty good and taking things as they come. Life is quite simple right now without work. I pretty much do what I want which feels selfish but well-deserved. I go back to work in January so I know that things will change. I do however what to remember and take time to pamper myself, get enough exercise, going skiing again.

I've gotten really excited about downhill skiing in the last couple of days. I was given a pair of (used) skis and boots so I'm excited to try them out. We have a couple of local mountains which we could head up to on the weekend. It would do me good to have a fun hobby like that. I seem to do just fine when I don't spin off into the future. When I start thinking about the 9 month wait time, my thoughts become like a broken record. This is a huge exercise in patience.

Time has passed so quickly already. It is amazing how quickly the months pass.

Pregnancy loss in House and Vogue

Yesterday was the first time back to visit my class. I work at a big school with tons of staff. It was overwhelming to see staff, students and parents after everything I've been through in the past few months. It was emotional overload.

Today I read a great article in the new issue of Vogue. It was written by a man and he describes the (often lonely) journey that his wife and him took to have a baby. They had had several miscarriages before having their son. It was a beautiful article. You could feel the love he has for his wife and son. I definitely recommend that read.

Also, the episode of "House" last week showed Cuddy (not sure of spelling) crying in the lounge. House had told her that it was a good thing that she had not gotten pregnant because she'd make a terrible mother. Well, it turns out that she had had insemination 3 times. Two didn't take and one she lost. I was so glad that a popular show like House is giving voice to the issues of insemination and pregnancy loss. That show is breaking the silence about a number of things that people rarely talk about.

I am a mess right now. Inside me is a swirling pool of dark emotions. How do I honor this pain without becoming it?

Finally the tears are coming and I feel some release.

God I admire those who can find humour and laughter in tragic experiences. Or those who can write great songs or poetry in their pain.

Going to bed now. Blessed sleep.

Two Month Anniversary

Just got back from my blood test. It only took 45 minutes. Grrrrr.

On the bright side, today marks two months at zero. Only 10 months to go. Actually, 9 months because my last draw is Sept.14. I suppose that's because I was zero for the full month of October. Cool. So 9 months to go.

Is this all I can talk about? It seems like this is the place that I just let all of this out. I'm not funny, I'm not witty, in fact I feel like I'm repeating myself all the time. Shit.

Okay, what else is new with me? I'm going in to visit my class tomorrow. I haven't seen these 6 to 9 year olds for 5 months. It will be fun. I know that they can be super honest though so I'm trying to prepare for the questions that may come..."Ms. B..., are you going to die?" Then there's all the staff (60+), a bunch of whom I haven't met. "Hi, yes, I'm the one that was away having chemotherapy as a result of a pregnancy." Shit. Then there's the very pregnant staff members and the quite pregnant staff members and I'll want to say congratulations because I haven't had a chance to congratulate them. Oh my oh my. It's not like I can do it in small doses. Get it all over with at once. Right off! as Jerry Seinfeld would say. At least then I can come back in the New Year and not have to face all of that.

Has this turned into a rant?

At least we have Hawaii to look forward to. Quite frankly, I don't care about Christmas or New Years this year. In fact, I haven't gotten excited by any celebrations - birthdays, Thanksgiving, Halloween.

I've run out of complaining for the moment. That's it. What a boring post.

Looking Back

I can't believe that it is a new month again! Last december we hadn't been ttc yet. I was finishing up my first, full-time term of teaching. 2006 has been quite a year. Pregnant in February, miscarried in March, pregnant again in June, molar pregnancy diagnosed in July, chemo started at the end of August.

I started this blog as a way to process all of these experiences, to integrate them into my life. Much of the time, I feel like all of this has happened to someone else. Isn't it interesting how we form our stories of ourselves? I guess in some ways, these things did not happen to me but happened to the me of the past. It has left my mind reeling. The me of the past went through all of these things quite courageously, I must say. Why is the me of the present so obsessed about reliving it all?

Another reason that I started this blog was to share my experiences and create community. I've met a lot of women who have had a molar pregnancy through mymolarpregnancy.com. That has made a huge difference to be able to speak to women who have and are going through this. Also, two women emailed me after reading my blog to share their own experiences. This meant a lot. Since writing this blog, I have found hundreds of other blogs by women who are trying to conceive. I realize that I am not alone on this path.

Soon I will be back to work. I wonder how things will change. Will the feelings of loss intensify or diminish? I imagine I will continue to ride the wave as I have been doing.