Wow

Had to quickly post because I'm over the moon! We saw the heartbeat!! I'm still in shock. The midwife was able to get an appointment scheduled for last night at 8pm. It didn't give me a lot of time to panic because I was so occupied all day. But I got pretty scared walking into the ultrasound office (the one where my molar was found). Actually, the midwife appointment was somewhat emotionally painful too because I had to go through all of my history - pregnancy losses and all. We were fortunate to have a really nice ultrasound technician. She was amazing and she found the little pulsing grey speck so quickly. It all felt so unreal. I'm so relieved. No molar. Heartbeat. Measuring about the time we thought it should be. It's such a gift. Now, we just need to get through to the 13 week mark. Oh, and a heartrate of 112 which she said was good for 6 weeks 2 days. I'm allowing myself some hope and happiness today. Damn the worrying. This is a good feeling to soak in.

Bean a long and tiring day

Just a quick post. Thank you Anna and Alice for the comments and support. I go in for my appointment with the midwives tomorrow morning and then off to pro-d. I was looking at my calendar and realizing that I don't really know when we conceived. I'm only guessing. I've decided that I'm going to get them to book the ultrasound for as soon as possible just to make sure that there is indeed a pregnancy and it's in the right spot. I realize it may be early but I need to know at least that. I feel pregnant and I know that I don't have another molar, but I need to make sure.

I worked so hard today. I'm physically exhausted and I have to get up early tomorrow. So, off to bed. I'm still off coffee and I've found that it's evened out my energy levels (and moods) a lot. I'm trying to drink lots of water. I hope that I can keep it up. I've gone off the bean a few other times but I was never able to sustain it for very long. It's such a social drink and it's everywhere. I love the smell and the taste. As long as it's not around, I'm fine but it's when I'm tired and down that I cave. Okay, really must go to bed now. G'night.

Questions

Woke up with hot flash last night. It felt like some kind of hormonal thing. Felt vaguely sick in the morning but nothing too serious. I went into work and am trying to get into the swing of things, but frankly, I don't really feel that into it. I couldn't help but have flashbacks to last summer when I was setting up my room knowing that I probably wouldn't be able to teach there. There are endless reminders somehow right now of last September's madness. I guess that shouldn't be a surprise but it makes it all more in my face because I'm pregnant again. But as I've learned, getting pregnant and having a baby are not always an easy connect the dots. Shit. I need to know what's happening in there. 5 weeks, 5 days. No bleeding. Sore breasts. Crampy. Bloated feeling. That weird hot flash thing last night. That's about it. I have to decide when to book the ultrasound. Should it be before school starts or during the first stressful week? If I knew the outcome of the ultrasound then I would easily pick before school. But what if it shows there's nothing there or an underdeveloped embryo? Then I'll be totally distracted and heartbroken for that first week that is so important. What would you do? When would you have the ultrasound?

I love my husband

Okay, I think I've calmed down a bit. I have an appointment with the midwives next week. After the second time I called, they said they had a cancellation and they could fit me in first thing in the morning. They can schedule me for an early ultrasound. My friends have been emailing me names of their doctors. So far, the ones I've called are not taking new patients. I broke down and cried for an hour and then went to sleep. I know that I'm getting worked up. I headed over to babyfruit and read through the beginning stages of pregnancy 5. It was comforting. I feel the need to whine and moan. Today when I was crying, I realized that I am crying partly because I don't want to go back to that stressful school. I feel so negative and emotional today. Is it the going off coffee that's making me crazy? At only 5 weeks, I can't imagine the hormones are the cause. I feel traumatized by the medical system. The thought of getting back into that system makes my skin crawl. So, thank the goddess that the midwives can see me sooner than Sept.12th, the original booking the first time I called. I suspect there may be a few more weepy days before the first ultrasound. It's all so out of my hands.

Starting to freak out

Okay, so I stupidly decided to take another pregnancy test this morning, thinking that the line would darker than last time. Well, it wasn't. It was about the same. It was a sickening moment. Shouldn't my hcg be doubling? Shouldn't that make the line darker? To the internet. It seems like it may not necessarily be a bad sign. It seemed like the general consensus was to only trust beta-hcg blood tests and the early ultrasound. One site said to not even be that concerned with hcgs - that the ultrasound gave the most conclusive results. I'm only a little over 5 weeks. If this pregnancy is not going to take then I would prefer it ends sooner than later. And what's making it all worse is that I don't have a good f'ing doctor. I still don't know what to do. I know I don't want to see my gp. I'm leaning towards the midwives and they are so close. Their office is literally 100 feet away from where we live. I'm also emailing everyone I know to try and see if they can recommend a good doctor. I could go to a clinic but then I have to go back to that doctor for the results. I feel so hopeless today. I hate going into doctor's offices - it makes me feel sick. And now pregnancy is just associated with disappointments and sadness. I think today will be spent in bed underneath the covers.

5 weeks 1 day. It's so early. I'm trying to have faith. Malc has been helping to remind me about that. I am so lucky to have such a excellent human being in my life. He made me something to help me to remember to have faith and I want to figure out how to post it here.

I didn't sleep well last night. I think I'm filled with some anxiety and I was tossing and turning. I kept noticing any ache or pain and wondering if my breasts were still sore. I know that worrying is not helpful so I will try to find ways to deal with it. Light exercise will help. Laughing. Writing. Visiting with friends. Crying(?).

My current symptoms are sore boobs, slightly stuffed up (not sure if that's a symptom), gas and tearfulness. Okay, I don't think I've ever seen gas and tearfulness in a sentence together (ha!). I'm so aware of how it can all come crashing down like a house of cards.

Thank you Anna from "egg, sperm and mole" for your well wishes. Head over there to congratulate Anna on her pregnancy (yay!). It's nice to have someone to bravely lead the way on this rollercoaster. Also, congrats to Alice at "babymaking blues" and Lori at "Second Chances" on their pregnancies. It's an abundant, happy time!

I've been putting off blogging....just like I've been putting off other things. I've been putting off thinking about going back to work, and putting off contacting friends, and putting off taking pregnancy tests, and putting off going to the doctor.

I'm pregnant. Of course, I won't truly believe that until I have an ultrasound and see the heart beating. I have very few symptoms but that's been the same with the last two pregnancies. Even when my hcg was sky high with the molar, I wasn't sick or naseous. My breasts are sore, and I have some cramping and indigestion. Of course, it's really early right now and anything can happen. I wasn't going to write about this pregnancy until after the first ultrasound but then I thought how I want to document all my feelings and thoughts. So here it goes.

I felt really happy when I saw the two lines. I tested 6 days after I expected my period (that was this past Saturday). The line was not light but it was not as dark as the test line. I had some cramping yesterday and I know that that can be normal in early pregnancy or it can signal that you're having an early miscarriage. I wish I could know what's going on. I'm trying to send good vibes to the little speck inside. I want it to know it's wanted and loved. I am trying to calm down that part of me that insists on being doubtful.

I don't know what to do about a doctor. I don't want to go back to my doctor because I don't have a much of a connection with her. I got a referral from someone I trust, but her doctor isn't taking new patients. In fact, many doctors here are not taking new patients. The other route I can take is to walk over to the midwives office. They are really close and I went to see them during my first pregnancy. At least they could schedule me an early ultrasound. That's all I really want. I don't want to track my hcg unless they see nothing in my uterus. I also don't know when the best time would be to have an ultrasound but I'm thinking at the end of seven weeks.

I'm eating organic blueberries right now - mmmm. I'm giving up coffee. That's going to be a hard one for me but I'm committed to living healthy. I'm going to buy organic food, even though it's so damn expensive. I'm taking folic acid and have been for the past month. I'm trying to get some sunshine every day (vit D which is hard here because it's been rainy :(
I really want this pregnancy to work. I almost feel like I'm not getting too worked up because I don't want to scare it away. That sounds sad. Why can't I believe that the universe wants happy things for me?

Oh, and our trip! We had a lot of fun in the Maritimes. Malc was sick for the first week so that made it difficult but he made the best of it and I went off on my own. It was beautiful country and the people were really friendly. In some ways I wish it hadn't been so long because now I have to go back to work fairly soon but I'm sure it would have gone quickly if we were here too.

Anyone have any advice for me during this time? It's so early and I know how quickly it can go either way.

My affirmations for today:

My body is healthy and welcomes new life.
My thoughts about this pregnancy are positive and hopeful.
This healthy pregnancy is progressing very well.
I am releasing any fear that I have about being pregnant.
I trust my body and am confident that it knows what to do.